what do I do...

[sandi2]

Here is why I asked who took advantage of her the other times:

I got the ilybinilwy. Not once but at least three times in our 7 years. We've been together for 21 years.

You said that you had turned to OM this last time she gave you the ILYBINILWY and he said he'd get you two back together. So was he offering counseling or emotional support to her and it turned into an A, or was the A going on before you talked to him? Do you know?

I believe people can be taken advantage of when they are emotionally weak. When a woman feels "done" with her H and the M, she also feels empty & dead on the inside. It is very hard to live day in and day out with that kind of void. Many people find some way to fill the void and often times choose unhealthy ways of escaping the reality within their four walls at home.

The best information I received was learning about the PEAs. Whether it's an emotional or physical A, chemicals are released and floods her brain, making her feel very much the way one feels when they first fall in love. According to research, science has proven this chemical is strongly addictive. Now you may know all about it, but I didn't.

Being so strongly addicted, the affair partners will return to each other by some means of contact (sight, voice, email, text, etc.) and it is like getting a "fix" for their craving. It is the excitement that rushes over them and gives those "feel good--in love" emotions.

Your M can't be fixed as long as she has OM in her head. And she's not going to get him out of her head as long as she goes to hang out at his house. There are facts you have to know.....and this is one of those facts. The A will not be over until she breaks her addiction. In order to break it, she has to have no contact with OM whatsoever. Even going to his house when he's not there can trigger those chemicals b/c the environment is his domain.

While going through the no contact, she will feel the emotional withdrawal, and it's very difficult. But it's not impossible. It will take several weeks of hard withdrawal and then probably months until completely getting through it. And this is with her cooperation!! It's not something you can force her to do if she won't agree. You can't control her. And that is another fact.

You can, however, have boundaries. You set them to protect yourself.......not to punish or control her. Just as you have personal boundaries you do not allow another person to cross and disrespect or harm you......you have to have them in relationships. It is important you think this out. Only you know what you can live with or can't live without. Only you know your deal breakers.

I do not suggest throwing ultimatums at her. They seldom work with a WAW in an A. Whatever you do tell her.......you had better be prepared to back it up! You could yell and bark and threaten, but if there is no consequences for her ......it is blowing in the wind. Powerless! So look up relationship boundaries and think before you speak. Never tell her anything expecting a desired reaction. It will backfire.

You asked why she has no remorse. One reason, I believe, is b/c of her emotional state before the A. I think women tend to blame their H for their unhappiness in the M. She usually holds a lot of resentment and bitterness. That works just like a cancer. It takes a lot to heal from it. Remember, she felt completely done with you......so why (in her mind) should she feel sorry that another man made her feel good. She doesn't want to save your M. That is another fact. You cannot look at her and wonder why she doesn't feel like you do toward the M or the A. She just doesn't. I would bet my life that if she was made to admit.....she would feel more guilty over betraying her friend than you. Cold hard fact. She doesn't feel she owes you. She feels she was entitled to some happiness. LBH's don't understand and get hurt that she doesn't apologize. Well, she simply doesn't feel she should have to do it b/c she had been checked out a long time ago. Her resentment is too strong. There is no mystery to it, guys. You think she is the girl you married, but she isn't. Her feelings are not the same.

Number one priority is to take care of yourself. Go to the doctor if you can't eat or sleep and depressed. Get a lot of exercise. And this is very important.......get a life outside of that house.

Next, set personal goals. Make them about you......not her. Break it down into small steps. What do you need to do to improve yourself.

Get a calendar and work it. Have every week planned with some GAL activities, even though your heart won't be in it at first.

Have some source of emotional outlet. Something to help rid the anger and pain. Whatever you can do physically to work it out.

Have a source of inspiration. Everyone needs soul food. If you know your source, get as much as you can.