I haven't wrote in awhile. I may be changing forums to the big D. The divorce date is set to August 4th, when we'll officially be divorced. When I got those papers with that date I just melted apart. It truly is the end and it's coming up fast. It's just kind of the stab in the heart it's over for sure thing.
Some good and bad and so much things I have learned from them.
The bad, divorce is stressful as hell. I would never want to go through it again. I had to face up to myself as not being as great of a wife as I originally saw myself. I had to become completely independent again and that was painful.
The good, I found a great job and a great apartment near the beach this last month. I have taken care of my health better, have lost weight and dressed up better. I have even relished the dating scene (not as a serious idea though). I realized I allowed his parents to step over me, and I have learned to grown a pair and slowly stand up for myself. In short, I have become a very awesome person. That may be a bit egotistic but I figure after this last year I deserve a break and a good laugh.
I talk to ex like a friend more than a lover now. We have humorous banter only, but nothing too serious, and nothing that is continuous for a long period of time. I can say I still love him as someone I once knew, but I have no feelings for him as I did when we were married. I find myself having feelings for someone else in my life now (nothing serious yet), and I feel like at this point it's no longer about saving my marriage but about leaving on friendly terms.
I think the moment my ex told me he no longer loved me months ago, whether he meant it or not, is the moment I started to drop the rope. The lack of respect that continued just enforced that feeling. I have enough self-respect to not allow someone to speak to me that way. I did my part in trying to save the marriage, but more importantly I saved myself; the marriage was just the casualty. My ex I think still sees me as to blame in the entire destruction, and sees the marriage as never "meant" to be. But as we know on this website no marriage is ever perfect, and no marriage will thrive and save itself without any help. No marriage is meant to be, in the sense that everything will end up like a fairy tale. At least I figured this part out if I ever get married again. :P But now my focus on me so marital bless is a bit out of the picture for now. For the first time in my life I have managed to make myself happy without any help from anyone else. I have struggled hard to find a great job, a great location, and a great place in school, and by the end of the year in making those goals I have succeeded. It just makes me wonder what else I can accomplish in this next year by myself. I'm very excited to see where life takes me.
No marriage is meant to be, in the sense that everything will end up like a fairy tale. At least I figured this part out if I ever get married again. :P But now my focus on me so marital bless is a bit out of the picture for now. For the first time in my life I have managed to make myself happy without any help from anyone else. I have struggled hard to find a great job, a great location, and a great place in school, and by the end of the year in making those goals I have succeeded. It just makes me wonder what else I can accomplish in this next year by myself. 