Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

If there's one thing this journey has taught me it's that I need to trust my gut and intuition. Last Saturday I had the urge to check my H's phone and for a few days prior I started randomly thinking about his OW from last summer. Well, I checked his phone and sure enough the OW had texted him. I was shocked, well mostly shocked. I thought he was done with her months ago!

That night his girlfriend messaged me in Facebook asking if we could talk. She said she thought we were divorced 2 years ago so I called her to find out what in the world was going on. I thought he only met her during our separation last summer but it turns out they dated and lived together for the better part of the last 2 years. He even hired her to work for him and for the past few months he's worked side by side with her.

From the beginning I sensed so many things, now things all make sense to me. In a way I feel bad for her because he lied very thoroughly to her about being divorced already. On the flip side, he said I shouldn't believe anything she says because she's does drugs and pops pills. Amazing isn't it? That he could be living with her and having our son around her yet he thinks telling me that will make me focus on her rather than questioning his horrible judgement on having her in his life.

Oh, and remember that personal counseling he was going to in order to work on himself? It turns out they were going to couples counseling and they were talking about getting married. I could be wrong but it makes no sense to me that he'd be working on marrying her while we are still married and I thought working things out between us.

What a mess.

On the bright side, seeing the extent of his craziness and willingness to lie has confirmed in my mind that he has a mental illness that isn't just something that will go away. Instead of focusing on the cheating and lying etc, I can focus on getting him real help. I don't feel any obligation to accept him back until he really gets counseling and accepts that the way he handles things is outside the realm of what is ok.

This week should feel like the craziest yet but I feel calm, relaxed and in control. His world and mind can keep spinning but mine is calm and unaffected.