So, the basic situation is this: WAH and I have been separated off and on for over three years now. In that time, we've had a daughter, f#cked like rabbits, and basically been really good friends.
Recently, my H's roommates broke up. So he has to find a new place to live. I had been working my butt off to make tons of room in my apartment so he might move in with me on a trial basis. My sister even flew 3,000 miles to help me.
Wednesday, H took me out to dinner to tell me he was getting an apartment. This is exactly what I told him would be the last straw for me... because it means I can't go back to school.
I've been a stay at home mom for 8 of the 9 1/2 years we've been together. I was always supposed to go back to college but stuff kept happening... like my H walking out on me. I've been gearing up to go back for ages now - I'm due to enroll in my classes NOW. But if H gets an apartment... we can't afford daycare for me to finish school.
That, and given H's history, I don't trust him a damn bit with his own apartment.
He tried to spin this apartment cr@p as the only way he can see us ever getting back together. Because he needs his own space. Uh, what the hell do you call the last three f#cking years!!!??? He even asked if I would decorate it. Despite the fact that I've been telling him for a month now that if he gets his own apartment... that's it. I can't go any further down this stupid road. He's all like, "But I agreed to go to counselling." Yeah, to learn to be better "co-parents"... I don't want to f-in co-parent with him. I've been waiting and working my butt off for three years to save OUR MARRIAGE not go learn to be co-parents. He's like, "I'm willing to be convinced." I'm like, "You stonewall me on every d@mn thing I need from you for the work I'm doing in my therapy, for parenting our kids.... My lease is up in a month. You want me to stay here with NO COMMITMENT FROM YOU????!!!"
I'm heartbroken. It seems that my only option if I want to go back to school is to go home to FL... 3,000 miles away. Which is what I told my H would have to happen if he got an apartment. Because that's the only way I can afford this and because I can't go to grad school while I'm caring for a teenager and a toddler BY MYSELF with no support system with a lousy WAH who I can't even get a hold of when our DD is having a medical emergency. I need someone here in the evenings who can cook, put kids to bed, and keep them out of my hair while I'm studying. I told him all this. That what he's offering isn't good enough. That it's not enough for me to be able to get my life back on track. If I start now, and never stop, never have to take time off because I can't pay for this semester, never have to leave work to take care of kids or parents... I'll reach the same level of accomplishment and stability - I'll NEVER make as much money as he does - in my career that my H already has at 30... WHEN I'M FIFTY-FIVE!!!!!!!! I'm so angry!
Today is the anniversary of our first time... It's really the only anniversary we really have beside our wedding anniversary. Ironically, it's his mother's birthday and my father's birthday. And it happened that way totally by accident.
::sigh:: I'm super depressed about this situation. I bought Uhaul boxes today, spent all day listening to our song, left a message with the MC I had a referral to... I'm all over the map. I'm feeling super hopeless. This is not how I wanted things to go. But I guess I'm preparing to move to FL at the end of July. Because short of my H changing his mind about this idiotic apartment crap... I can't afford to stay here.
I don't want a divorce. I don't want to move. I don't want to lose my H. But I want my life back. I want to finish school and have a career and not be stuck and dependent and anxious about my future. H just doesn't get that. He never thinks about the future - he admits. I just don't know what else to do. I feel forced into this decision... giving away or selling all my stuff, hitching a uhaul trailer to my little hatchback, and moving my kids, cat, and I 3,000 miles.... How can he do the one thing I told him would make it impossible for me to achieve the things I need to? Not finishing school was a HUGE part of what screwed up our marriage! How can he be so stupid as to expect ME to keep working on this when HE still won't make a commitment???
I dont even know what to say about this situation. That is ridiculous. I dont see where you have a choice here but to move. He sounds very selfish and like an a$$hole. He made a commitment when he chose to marry you in the first place. Sounds like you are a safety net in this situation. I wish you the best of luck on this and hope you make the right choice, not that I see a good one at all.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
You have a choice: submit to his choices or stand up and live for yourself.
Granted, the options available aren't great. It sounds like he's been eating cake for a long time and intends to continue eating cake. Don't you deserve a lot, lot better?
Do what you need to do to make your life what you want. Friends don't steamroll one another's needs. Florida in July isn't where I'd want to be either, but it's a hell of a lot better than limbo.
Be strong. Move on. He's not worth it. You've done enough.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
M 28 H 27, soon to be 28 S 11 (mine but H's been "dad" exclusively for six years now) Married 08/2008 Together since 02/2005 Friends since 09/2000
My husband walked out almost five weeks ago. Didn't see it coming. We've had problems - big ones - but frankly, there's no one to blame. Lot of it was because of circumstances. He's got dissociative problems so he's all over the map - on top of being on the fence about things - so it's difficult for me to know what approach to take!
I don't normally respond until I have read the entire thread, however this blew me away.
Quote:
You want me to stay here with NO COMMITMENT FROM YOU????!!!"
Why are you so surprised and pi$$ed? When you did the following:
Quote:
WAH and I have been separated off and on for over three years now. In that time, we've had a daughter, f#cked like rabbits, and basically been really good friends.
Did you have his commitment when you were doing all of that? If you thought you did, and you were duped ...then D his sorry a$$, get him for all you can and move on. Or.......if you thought by doing those things it would draw him back.......you were wrong, so D his sorry a$$ and move on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, everyone for the replies. I guess... it's over.
I did feel over the years that I was doing what he needed me to do to bring us closer. And at a couple points, he was trying to piece and I just missed it. Three years wasted. He still won't say he doesn't love me or that it's hopeless. But he's making it impossible for me to stay here and achieve anything in my life.
At this point... I suppose... short of any unlikely reversal from my H... all I can do is get rid of what won't fit in a Uhaul trailer and get out of town. I'm stunned and depressed. Been walking around in a daze since Wednesday... not good since I now have a monumental amount of crap to do.
Can't believe this is happening. Things had been really great between us lately. But I suppose, ultimately, I'm just not that important to him... despite the fact that my goals would provide huge benefits and stability to everyone. I'm really trying to not be selfish... just practical.
He's really angry with me right now about moving. But he still plans to go get his stupid apartment this weekend. Told him he could have most of the furniture. Most of it is cheaper to replace than to haul 3,000 miles. This really s#cks.
Well, no f-in clue what the heck is going on now. H is wanting to negotiate a way for me to stay up here for a while longer - in other words, he doesn't want me to move with the kids. I don't want to stay here, even though I don't want to lose him. There just isn't enough reason for me to stay here. So I told him, fine, this is everything I want and need if you want me to stay here and if you can't agree to this and stick to it, I'm moving. We're still negotiating. I told him flat out that outside of a loving, committed marriage I have zero reason to live here. And just like he won't give up the things that are important to him to move to FL with the kids and I "just 'cause," I'm not going to stay here "just cause" without him agreeing and committing in writing to a long list of things. I gave him my initial list and am waiting for his response. I fully expect that he will reject about 70% of it entirely and I'm packing and decluttering my apartment in preparation to move.
This whole thing is sort of a 180 for me. Yes, I'm trying to "negotiate" but I'm setting the bar for my cooperation really high. He's got to give quite a bit for a change. I've been a total marshmallow with this guy, overly accommodating, etc. So, being assertive and firm about my needs and wants is a little... uncomfortable for me. But, d@mn it, I'm not staying here without getting what I need to be content. Not getting by, not living in limbo like I have been... I'm only staying here if he can agree to the things *I* need to be ok for a change.
Honestly, I'll never be happy with staying. But, if he does agree to what I want, it could work out enough that I'd be willing to not move the kids away from their dad right away. Obviously, I'm conflicted.
We've got a very limited amount of time to work out an agreement. So, frankly, if I don't hear back from him in a couple days, I'm just going to tell him to go f--- himself, that he's not giving this the attention and urgency it needs which would be so typical for him. And I'm done with his typical, lazy, inattentive, irresponsible, unhelpful, uninvolved behavior. I've been warning him for months now that I'm really reaching the point where I'm fed up with him and that I have definitely reached the point where having my own life away from him is immensely more attractive than putting up with the current state of things.
I'm going to say it again... You need to make sure YOUR needs are met. You have ONE life to meet your goals and ONE chance to be a great mom to your kids. Your H has been stringing you along for three years. Do you feel like giving him a drop dead list NOW means anything?
Keep packing. Think really clearly about this. I'm as in favor of marriage as anyone, but you two have been separated for more than half of the time since the wedding. You've established a dynamic that thoroughly favors him and his needs and that is a habit that is going to be very, very hard to alter from this point forward. What if he does agree to your list now? And then in six months decides that's not working for him? Do you have any enforcement mechanisms in place to protect yourself?
Stay strong, wings. You can do better than stick around for this.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
