Ok need the advice of the vets here...I have been LRTing her for quit a while, seems like there is no response. Yesterday I think I screwed up, she called me to tell me that she finally got the job promotion she has been waiting for for almost 5 years, I congratulated her and then left her flowers and a card at the house while she was at work...later on at night I get a text from her that says "Thank you so much for the flowers and card, it really means a lot to me!!". So I took it as a small step forward, like she is thanking me. But today I see in the bank account that she paid another 500 bucks to her lawyers trust...im assuming she is still full steam ahead on the divorce, not sure about what to do...im going to continue LRTing which is making me feel better about myself, but when I think about her spending almost 4 grand to divorce me it pissess me off that after 15 years!!! also all her friends at work keep telling her she deserves to be happy and all that bull...urghhh please vets chime in on this, would love your thoughts.
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
at night I get a text from her that says "Thank you so much for the flowers and card, it really means a lot to me!!". So I took it as a small step forward, like she is thanking me. But today I see in the bank account that she paid another 500 bucks to her lawyers trust...im assuming she is still full steam ahead on the divorce, ...
Would you have received the "Thanks so much ..it really means alot to me" if you didnt give her the cards and flowers? Your LRT seems to be working great! Thats why your coming out of being dark was SO effective and perfectly timed. Don't mind read. Who knows if she paid the lawyers before the lawyer or after the gesture? what matters is she has this positive memory of you that will fill up her love bank. Thats why it just messes with us when we know our S bank, phone bill activity. I know it cant be helped sometime but I check my bank account only when necessary...to keep my brain out of the swirl. Keep up the good work with LRT! Its working and if you can powerfully do a like gesture , not frequently but at the right time it will bear fruit over time. Let patience do its work. You are doing it man.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Oad, while I am not a vet, I understand your upset with her going forward with the divorce. My stbxH unilaterally decided our marriage was over after 20+ years together and he retained a mediation lawyer. Like you, I told him I wasn't going to pay a dime for this because it was not my decision and not what I wanted. As much as it hurt to go to the meetings I had to accept the fact that I can't control him, he is going to do this whether I like it or not, so I better make sure I watch out for myself financially. Believe me, the first night we met the lawyer, I remember sitting there next to him wondering what the h_ll were we doing there. Even said to him as we left the office, "I hope some day you can sit down with me and tell me how we got to this place." That comment was met with no response and a sort of blank look. Update, the divorce is to be final in Aug and he is still just going forward with this and not looking back.It's so sad.
I guess the advice I have for you is to continue what you are doing, LRT and start GAL (getting a life), because you have no control in her decisions. It may be she goes through with this - you can't fight it because of the state's no fault law (one I wholeheartedly DISAGREE with!!! - unless there's physical or emotional abuse, drug addiction, alcoholism, I think couples should be required to try for a year by going to counseling sessions and require documentation, but I digress). My state has the same law, so I figured I needed to participate so he also couldn't unilaterally decide my financial future either. You can only control yourself - you can't control her. This is her journey, one you are not invited to share. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? I highly recommend it. She should too.
And remember what Michelle said in DR about LRT, you may DB (LRT) until the cows come home and it still may not work - basically that it is not a guaranteed fix. More reason for you to prepare yourself for the undesireable outcome by strengthening yourself.
Oad, I am sorry you are here. But you are at the best place given your situation. Don't worry about people not posting (saw your earlier posts-is there anybody out there?) I went through that to. Keep posting. People will show up. And go to other sites and post. Will cause those folks to look you up, read your sitch, and offer help.
It's painful, gut-wrenching, and something none of us should ever have to go through, but the reality is, you are here. So do the best for yourself and know you have all of us here to help you out. As someone else posted to you, read Sandi's list everyday. Just read a lot about this topic and what people can do for themselves.
Hope this helps. (((Hugs)))
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
And if you chose to start living your life 'as if' they are not coming back (which you should strive for - easier said than done but worth it), doesn't mean you have given up. Even with the clock running and getting close to midnight for me (so to speak) I still have hope that maybe he will change his mind. The chances are pretty much nil at this point since he has someone else right now. But I have heard of stranger things happening.
Unfortunately, you are just starting this whole thing, and it will take some time to get your bearings, but scroll through the posts and find those whose sitches are similar to yours. I know of several men here who will, once they get on to you, be there to help! Mach 1, Mr. Bond, and Cadet (who I think has already contacted you)are some of the men vets I can quickly think of off the top of my head - and there are some really great women out there as well~!!!! We all have so much to learn from one another.
Hang in there, Oad.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Thanks for all the responses...I just found out she filed the paper work on Friday, now what???? Im so mad and hurt that she is starting to disgust me...I cant be in the same room with her because I want to send her to hell....
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
Ok, so she filed. That's all it is. You are not divorced. It's just part of the process. Ya, it's painful and it's hurtful. But again, can't control her actions, so how are you going to handle it is the big question. How many months does it take to finalize a divorce in your state (I'm assuming you are in the US). Where I live, it's 6 months. So depending on the time frame you may have a fair chunk of time to do what is in your power to maybe turn this train around.
Again, just because she has done this doesn't mean it's 'game-over.' Continue with your DBing (sounds like you are are on track with that), and continue being strong for your daughters. They need you to be present now more than ever because they know what's going on and are probably feeling insecure and afraid (been there). (BTW, Happy Father's Day - I know it's not one of the better ones but revel in time spent with your girls - THEY adore you.) And continue working on becoming the best man you can be - one she would be foolish to walk away from. It's may be hard for your W to see it or accept it because she is busy focusing on herself.
For the hurt and anger, well being a woman, for me the release is to cry and/or scream when I am alone at home or in my car where no one can see or hear me. And I run. Maybe for you a punching bag???? Or any physical activity like running, weight lifting, well, you surf so that's good, but something that makes you grunt and be vocal is helpful. Hey, just cry if you feel like it because you can't keep this stuff pent up. It will only escalate into some action you may be very sorry for later. And think about a visit to a therapist.
Spend as much time with your girls because they make you happy.
If you can, feel some empathy for your W - she is in great pain as well or else she wouldn't be doing this. She sounds to me to be in full blown MLC. As one of the posters said, it's very common around that age..all the behaviors (weight loss, anti-aging cream, etc....) screams of it. Read up on MLC on the internet if you haven't already, however, if you are like most of us here that's one of the first things we do.
Also, check out Matt165's posts. Some of his postings are long, but the advice he is getting could apply to you.
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
T-boned thanks for your response, I guess you are right..there is still time...funny update...on Saturday during the day we got into an argument...well it was one sided I just kept saying that im not going to fight anymore, she kept saying that I think she is wrong and im a manipulator and liar...etc..etc..which is not true at all...I finally calmly told her that his is why I agree with the divorce and the sooner the better..so I left. On Sunday morning I went by the house to pick up the girls. They gave me my fathers day cards. She sat next to us and was looking at us smiling(she looked sad to me). When I got up from the couch and walked by her she reached out and rubbed my arm and said Happy Fathers Day...I pulled my arm away and said thanks and went out to the back yard. When I came in she was on the couch hugging the girls for a while...I avoided her completely. Then as I was leaving with the girls she followed us to the door and stayed looking at us while I loaded the girls into the car(I decided not to even say bye to her). She then called out my name and said bye...I turned to her and said 'Later" and left...funny how when you are ignoring them they seem to be more nice?? anyways the DB book says that even if you fight it maybe a good thing depending on how they react the next day...which she seemed to be more open to communicating with me, since this worked I guess I will stick to this method for a while...kind of like indifference to her..any thoughts?
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
well now today I didn't contact her at all...she sent me a text asking how the girls are...then followed with one asking for my attorneys phone because her attorney wants to set up a meeting..seems she is still full steam with this divorce. she also just texted me again asking for the girls to call her goodnight...she has never done this before...on one side it seems LRT is working little by little...on the other hand seems she is full steam ahead with D...
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
