Help please

[labug]

Thanks for answering the questions-I know it called for some mind-reading but it takes a certain amount of understanding and compassion for us and our spouse to get through this intact. By intact I don't necessarily mean R-wise, I mean to get through it as a whole, even better perhaps, person.

There's mind-reading that tries to give a meaning and a crafted response to everything our spouse does and then there's understanding born of many years together. That usually culminates in "OK, I see how we got here, now where to I go from here?"

Often what we see and begin to understand, if we let ourselves, is that some big issues belong to our H. They're things we can't fix. Yes, we have our stuff and we should work on that but all the problems in the M aren't ours. We can take 100% responsibility for our 50% but no more.

Armchair psych 101, worth what you pay-people who do things to excess, be it substances, work, sex, affairs, video games, fixing, hovering, controlling are attempting to fill up some hole in them. Only the owner of that problem can fix the problem. It's so early in your sitch that you don't know what your H will do, let this unfold if you have the patience. He seems to want to work on things but he's lost right now and probably has a lot of guilt. Right now I wouldn't spend too much time wondering if you really want to be in the marriage-that answer will surface in due time.

About the house and the kids and schools, etc, don't borrow trouble. Truly try to take this a day at a time because you don't know what the next hour holds, let alone 3 months down the line. I've had the benefit of a few more years of doing this and I can tell you that most things I worried about (in and out of the M) didn't come true and those that did were handled once I got there. Worrying wouldn't have changed anything.

I'm not saying don't acknowledge that you have some fear around these issues but don't get caught up in the fear. Figure out where the fear comes from and is it rational. I, too. was worried about selling the house. It scared me to think of having to do all that on my own, packing, moving, blah, blah, blah. But when I really focused on what I was feeling, I was angry at H and afraid I'd somehow mess up big time with the sale.

So I let myself be angry for a while, called him lots of names in my head and then knew that wasn't helpful and let that go. Fear about messing up the sale/moving was also baseless, my RE agent is a very good friend, she wouldn't let me do something stupid. As for moving, I've done hard things, including moving, I could do it again.

In simple terms, I quit playing victim.

Your fears may be different, just don't get stuck in the fear. Go further.

DBing is simple, it's not easy but it is simple.

Let him go, let him face his demons if he has that ability. Don't interfere with his process.

Create a life that you want. Move furniture, throw stuff out, eat cereal for dinner without guilt, take a painting class, get a weekly massage, take long walks, fly a kite with the kids, do belly flops in the pool. Let go of the life you thought you had and create a reality-based life.

Will there be sadness? Yes. Will there be giggles and moments of ahhhhhh? Yes. That's life.

You seem like a smart, resourceful woman with a sense of humor. You will be fine, some of this may hurt like he!!, but you'll get to the other side.

Just don't take your baggage with you.

Dig out the Maybell you were before you got married. Get to know her again.