I had a dream last night that we were on our vacation, H and I were "making out" and he stopped it and said it couldn't happen. Basically shutting down any chance for us to reconnect. Don't remember all the details but obviously my fears are coming to life in my dream.
Last night I was playing softball, smiling, laughing, having fun, no thoughts about my situation. Then it dawned on me that that is how I need to behave when I see my H. However, I am really worried that my emotions are going to take over and not only ruin my chances to connect with H but also ruin my vacation.
It still is so sad to me that after 17+ we have so little communication. I also just realized that our anniversary (not legal, but celebatory) is 2 days after we come home (to different locations). We also met around the same time in 1991 and reconnected in that time frame in 1996.
Just wanted to get these thoughts out before I went for a run (yay me!) I have some thoughts I have to form more concretely but I will be looking for advice before I leave for vacation. Especially since I only have one appt with my IC beforehand, she is on vacation the week before I go on vacation.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since