So, the basic situation is this: WAH and I have been separated off and on for over three years now. In that time, we've had a daughter, f#cked like rabbits, and basically been really good friends.
Recently, my H's roommates broke up. So he has to find a new place to live. I had been working my butt off to make tons of room in my apartment so he might move in with me on a trial basis. My sister even flew 3,000 miles to help me.
Wednesday, H took me out to dinner to tell me he was getting an apartment. This is exactly what I told him would be the last straw for me... because it means I can't go back to school.
I've been a stay at home mom for 8 of the 9 1/2 years we've been together. I was always supposed to go back to college but stuff kept happening... like my H walking out on me. I've been gearing up to go back for ages now - I'm due to enroll in my classes NOW. But if H gets an apartment... we can't afford daycare for me to finish school.
That, and given H's history, I don't trust him a damn bit with his own apartment.
He tried to spin this apartment cr@p as the only way he can see us ever getting back together. Because he needs his own space. Uh, what the hell do you call the last three f#cking years!!!??? He even asked if I would decorate it. Despite the fact that I've been telling him for a month now that if he gets his own apartment... that's it. I can't go any further down this stupid road. He's all like, "But I agreed to go to counselling." Yeah, to learn to be better "co-parents"... I don't want to f-in co-parent with him. I've been waiting and working my butt off for three years to save OUR MARRIAGE not go learn to be co-parents. He's like, "I'm willing to be convinced." I'm like, "You stonewall me on every d@mn thing I need from you for the work I'm doing in my therapy, for parenting our kids.... My lease is up in a month. You want me to stay here with NO COMMITMENT FROM YOU????!!!"
I'm heartbroken. It seems that my only option if I want to go back to school is to go home to FL... 3,000 miles away. Which is what I told my H would have to happen if he got an apartment. Because that's the only way I can afford this and because I can't go to grad school while I'm caring for a teenager and a toddler BY MYSELF with no support system with a lousy WAH who I can't even get a hold of when our DD is having a medical emergency. I need someone here in the evenings who can cook, put kids to bed, and keep them out of my hair while I'm studying. I told him all this. That what he's offering isn't good enough. That it's not enough for me to be able to get my life back on track. If I start now, and never stop, never have to take time off because I can't pay for this semester, never have to leave work to take care of kids or parents... I'll reach the same level of accomplishment and stability - I'll NEVER make as much money as he does - in my career that my H already has at 30... WHEN I'M FIFTY-FIVE!!!!!!!! I'm so angry!
Today is the anniversary of our first time... It's really the only anniversary we really have beside our wedding anniversary. Ironically, it's his mother's birthday and my father's birthday. And it happened that way totally by accident.
::sigh:: I'm super depressed about this situation. I bought Uhaul boxes today, spent all day listening to our song, left a message with the MC I had a referral to... I'm all over the map. I'm feeling super hopeless. This is not how I wanted things to go. But I guess I'm preparing to move to FL at the end of July. Because short of my H changing his mind about this idiotic apartment crap... I can't afford to stay here.
I don't want a divorce. I don't want to move. I don't want to lose my H. But I want my life back. I want to finish school and have a career and not be stuck and dependent and anxious about my future. H just doesn't get that. He never thinks about the future - he admits. I just don't know what else to do. I feel forced into this decision... giving away or selling all my stuff, hitching a uhaul trailer to my little hatchback, and moving my kids, cat, and I 3,000 miles.... How can he do the one thing I told him would make it impossible for me to achieve the things I need to? Not finishing school was a HUGE part of what screwed up our marriage! How can he be so stupid as to expect ME to keep working on this when HE still won't make a commitment???
