M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will be able to feed himself for the rest of his life.
Learn the lessons MM. This is more about you learning about you then it is about getting him back.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Making, this is so so sad. I read this whole thread. I am just stunned and so sorry you are allowing this person to be in your life. It is as if you think there will never be someone out there to SHARE in a relationship which is mutually satisfying.
Note I used " share ". Not " give " you the relationship. This person is SCREAMING at you in behavior and words.
He is just not into you. He smells your fear and desperation, which is suffocating him. He knows he can occasionally get a piece of axx and that you have no self-respect. If you don't have it, he'll NEVER have it.
You can say you have it, but the fact that you are in this situation, prolonging it, allowing it... well that too SCREAMS !
Please look these up : Signs you are in a toxic relationship
Why men pull away
Red flags of a bad relationship
Why you keep hanging on, when it is time to let go
How to get the relationship, not the man you want
Nice girls finish last
MM you are swimming upstream. He has you wrapped and you are accepting poor behavior and modeling poor behavior. Only when you let go and move on, will you gain a better perspective. You are too close to this situation to see how absolutely self-hating you are. You make excuses for him and your behavior. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A PERSON ! YOU can only change YOU! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing hoping the outcome will be different. Even though you believe you are not doing the same thing ...you ARE. You are constantly throwing yourself at a person that has NO respect for you. Has NO intention of becoming what you want. Knows he has the upper hand, and doesn't want it or you.
Yup, this is a 4x8. This is a losing battle, let go . PLEASE.
Be the BEST mom ever, and show your daughter how strong you are. Get a life, and STOP focusing on him. If you won't work on you, then focus on your daughter .
Get into counseling and work on loving and accepting you. I don't care how often I read you do, your actions, words, and excuses are OBVIOUS to anyone that you don't. If we can see it, and not witness it, imagine how easily he can !
Hugs and a pump. <3
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I agree with Eric and Gabby. I think you cannot separate the personal R from the business R..........and you cannot separate the sexual R from a truly loving R. Sex is not love. It's sex! If he goes without it long enough he would pull anyone to him and start groping.
When you were a young dating teenager, were you easy? B/c one of the first things my mother taught me was that men would take a woman in secret but when he took a woman to be seen in public, it would be one he respected. I know, old fashion, but I thought of it when he didn't want to show anyone else that there was anything between you. And you bought his excuse!
I just have to wonder at your confusion over his action. He's horny! He has not asked you out any of the times you thought he was trying......even though you jump into wanting to know what to say and how to act IF he does. Has he yet? Why should he when he gets to run his mouth and hands over you without the dating? Were you trying to intice him.......using sex to get what you wanted? Not the first woman in history to do that, and won't be the last.
Magic, you only see what you "hope" is him making a change of behavior. Sweetie he hasn't changed anything! He told sexual jokes and implied and even bluntly told you he wanted you sexually, but that's all. Not to insult the men, but really, doesn't a single guy seldom turn it down if it's free, clean, and no strings attached? Oh, you talk about strings to him, but he's watching your behavior. What did you do that made him feel he could grab you and start going over you like a map? Maybe nothing, but I know you are thinking you should reward him now.
If he was truly interested in a R with you (other than sex) he would have called that night, or at the very least, made an attempt to approach you today and say something to let you know his intentions are somewhere other than your pants. And it should be without you coaxing him. If he made no move toward you today and acited as if it was just another day at work.........and you don't get a FU attitude, then I don't know what it will take to make you walk away and not look back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If he made no move toward you today and acited as if it was just another day at work.........and you don't get a FU attitude, then I don't know what it will take to make you walk away and not look back.
Apparently, something more than any (and all!) of us can give.
MM I don't post to you as a rule. You are getting some great advice, really good help that most people would pay serious money to get!
One thing however that I would stress is that there is something wrong with him. The posters are tending to blame you for putting up with him. He comes across to me as an exploitative man. I think he may be more in thrall to your strange dynamic than some posters would suggest, but that does not make it healthy.
I suggest that you read the Lundy Bancroft book - 'Why does he do that?' to understand how abusive people get such a hold on the people they abuse.
You are in thrall to him, it is like a drug. You are addicted to him. If he were serous about getting away then he would do it. sit down nicely with you and work out a fair settlement. Breaking up doesn't have to be nasty, even if it is painful.
You are the victim in all of this, and the first step is to recognise this and understand that you HAVE to break free, and that you may need help to do this.
I suspect that you are often gripped by fear - perhaps don;t even realise how fearful you are.
You are worth so much more than this man. I don't care whether he is 'not that into you' or whatever. It doesn't give him the right to behave like this.
Me: confusing? No... I know what I want I am clear. It is you who is all over the place
Me: Are you confused about our Wednesday evening kiss, talks, etc?
Xbf: I do want to enjoy nice times with you... thats why I invited you to family party, and want to have some fun on the seadoo, patio, etc. I know I need to work on myself. My priority is stabilizing the location for our business. I would like to buy it and make it a "social place" as well as work for us.
Me: does "fun" to you equal sex?
Xbf: Lets not discuss that topic anymore. It is hard on me.
Me: I understand and am very sorry. I was not leading you on. I want it too.
Xbf: I enjoyed our Wednesday kiss/etc. it made me feel attractive again. And if I was ever questioning my attraction to you, It is very clear.
Me: There is more to me than sex. I am loveable, caring & fun. I am the whole package. Sex is only part of what I want.
Xbf: Well thats all I want right now, for the most part.
Me: ok then & walked away.
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THE VIEW FROM MY BACKSIDE:
If ever I need to hear what I just heard ITS NOW... I heard it!!!
He is selfish, confused, commitment issues, doesn't know what he wants, and is only wanting sex from me.
I am insulted & wanted to text him last night to say so... but, I didn't. Its not like it would matter anyway.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, How many more times do you need to hear his responses to your relationship questions? Each and every time he is very honest w/you about where he's at and yet, you can't seem to "hear" what he's saying.
His focus/attention is on the business. Yes, he wants fun and a nice little f@ck buddy waiting there to accommodate his needs w/o no strings attached. He is NOT confused. Open your eyes and your ears and truly listen to what he's saying.
What will it take to get you to hear what he's saying? Magic, what price are you willing to pay to accommodate his needs and yes, think that sex will bring him back to you? What price are you willing to pay to lose what self respect that you've gained in the last few months?
Magic, get the financials done because this man knows exactly what he's doing and the longer he dangles carrots in front of you, you will follow him to the ends of the earth and believe all of the bs he's been feeing. Heck, his shovel of bs is getting larger by the day and there you sit, sweet, little Magic just hoping and wanting him to give you the attention that you think you need. Magic, take back your self respect and drop this PIA and get on w/your life. He's not going to change for you or anyone else because he likes his life just the way it is. Really? Why would he change? He's got a good worker and he can feed her a line of bs and she's right there each and every day working and he thinks you'll not rock the boat because he knows you so well. It's time to drop that rope, get your financials done and blow him a kiss as you ride off in the sunset.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
