What to do

[Ben2010]

I appreciate your kind words Sandi.

I just had a breakdown in front of my boss and he pulled me aside to talk to me. Told me that he will help me in any way that he can.

I know that she speaks in absolutes right now, but its still hard to accept. The counselor today was even telling me how hard it will be to overcome her family. I have done it before, they told her not to marry me before we got married. Now Im sure they are telling her "we told you so." I dont even know why they would say that about me to begin with. I guess no one is good enough for their daughter.

If it helps, I was very torn and confused. I changed my mind a thousand times a day. Now what may seem odd is that it was not my LBH that talked me into staying in the M. Remember, he could do nothing right, in my eyes. It was, however, total strangers who got my attention and told me the truth of what was happening to me.....and what was needed to get through the mess I was in.

The problem with this is that she isnt reaching out to anyone except her family. I wish she would do some reading or reach out to the preacher in our church. I dont think I would want her to come here though. Then she might stumble accross my post and realize what Im trying to do and see how desperate I am, that when she sees me its only a show because I dont want to breakdown in front of her.

I pray everynight for God to soften her heart and guide her towards reconciliation. I know he cant make her love me, but he can lead her in the right direction or prod her. I know she loves me now or it wouldnt be a separation, it would be D proceedings already.

I know that I cant affect what she will do or how long it will take. I will still continue my C and medication. I have been hanging out over at my brother's house lately and will hang out with him again tonight to kind of clear my mind of this. It only helps moderately. Im trying to do 180s, I would never go shopping before because I dont like it. When she found out that I went to get new clothes, she told me that it pissed her off. That I would never do that before. I just said that I needed some new clothes.

I also would not want her to return by way of pressure. I want her to come back because she realizes that she wants me in her life as a H. I find it very hard to not operate based on emotions as this is all I feel right now. I have never cried so much about anything in all my life. Funny because she always used to complain that when we broke up before that I never cried for her like I did a previous GF. Ironically I cry way more over her. You guys help me try to keep going and I thank all of you for it. Its not even something that you could put a price on.

I will not turn to drugs or alcohol if thats what you mean by way of escape. I dont like either of them. I dont think that I can attend our church this Sunday as I told her that we shouldnt talk and I think it will look like I have collapsed. I will go to the other church and ler her have her space. This way she wont be forced into talking to me to keep up appearances.

Thanks for all your insight Sandi. It means alot.