Georgia and mirage, Thanks for the kind words. I know they are trying to get me to see how I am feeding the dynamic and it does help. You think you aren't but when others point it out you stop and say "I see that!". It also helps to know I'm not alone and that others have seen the same. At times it feels like no one else out there could possibly had a S as crazy acting as mine!
I think the hardest part is that you know there is a chance that they can make it out and realize just what they left behind. You see ex-MLCers talk about how they finally did start to see where they messed up and it may not be as hopeless as it seems. But for them to get there you have to just totally give up, move on and let them do their own work. That I'm beginning to see may just be the hardest part! Especially when they are tearing down the world around you and causing so much pain to you and those you love.
Starting to see some defin. pluses to not having a crazy person sharing my life!
Just a quick note. Eric's right on the money. You'll "share" your life with a crazy person for as long as you keep doing it. Until you change. Local proximity is meaningless; crazy knows no boundaries. Trust me on that
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Don't count on the MLC'er making it out. I wrote a lot in the past about that subject. It small pickings in the MLC Hall of Fame. Very few make it there.
I am, and dont hold me to it as I don't count anymore 4-5 yrs post bomb. I raised our kids mostly on my own after EXW left, but just last week my daughter was calling her mother as she was to pick her up at 7 pm on a Saturday from a friends house. Her mother did not answer several calls. My daughter called her Mom's boyfriend to find out why she isn't answering. The BF said your on your own your mothers too drunk to get you.
I still pick up the pieces 4-5 yrs later but the poor behavior continues and I am the rock in my daughters life. She knows that, but it was getting out of the way and moving on that changed that dynamic for me and I am thankful to the people here for pushing the DB handbook.
Again, a few and I emphasize a few can get past the fog of MLC. Many are still there years down the road.
Don't waste any more time waiting. Have a life of value, one that another person would love to join in.
Mirage, thanks for such an "optimistic" post. Not. Are you sure you are on the right forum? Why post on the subject of most MLCers not making it on the marriage saving website? I understand that DB means more than just saving your marriage. But, I come on this site for support and some hope. Otherwise I can listen all day long to my friends and family about how my M cannot be saved and H is never going to come out of it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Some times you hit nerves when you post on this board. I am a firm believer in saving yourself first and making the most of your life. My point and I'll say this once, I would still be waiting 4-5 years later on a spouse that still is off the ranch when it comes to behavior.
I'm in a better place because of what is believed and followed here.
I am on the correct board, if it offends you , maybe ask yourself why.
Sorry for the hijack Matt, I understand this is your thread. I won't comment further on this.
I really don't want this to sound like I am defending Mirage here, although it will read that way...
I don't think that Mirage is trying to steal anyone's hope. I think that he is being very realistic with his thoughts and perception...
Not sure if you know this..
Mirage went through MLC, and survived out the other side, and his views are very different than what we normally see here. It doesn't make them right, or wrong....just very different.
Take what you need from this, and throw the rest away....
YOU determine your own hope here...
He said the FEW make it out....not none
If there is a one in one hundred chance, somebody has to be the one....
Bright, There is a 50/50 chance that someone in MLC will make it thru. No one knows who will and who won't. Some make it thru and return to the person they once were, i.e, more mature and a bit wiser from the trip. Others return from the trip have some of the "quirks/habits" that they took up during that trip remain w/them the rest of their lives. Then there are the few lost souls that remain mlc bound, i.e., angry, resentful and continue to act like middle/old age teenagers.
Again, there is a 50/50 change that they will return and yes, there is always hope...but the question is...how long do you wait, i.e., 5, 10, 15 or longer years? While you are hanging around, live your life to the fullest because there is no guarantee that if your spouse makes it thru that you'll want to reconcile. It's important that you keep hope alive, leave the door ajar, but live your life as if he/she may never return. You can't put your life on hold w/thoughts of "what if" each and every day.
My xh is one of those that is lost and he's been a changed man for a very long time. His changes began in the mid 1990's and he's not the same person that I knew and still exhibts a lot of teenage behavior in the way he thinks, what he purchases, bills, etc.
Like Mach said, read the postings and take away what you can use to help you w/your journey.
It is a personal choice to decide on whether to continue standing or not. That is the "power" that the LBS has that they often don't realize they truly have it until much later.
I echo what Mirage said ^^ as a former MLCer. I've posted elsewhere that I feel lucky to have come out to the other side. In reading Mirage's posting, I take it that he wanted to counsel Matt to be 'realistic' when it comes to the MLC thinggammy.
I wanted to know why you are asking your 14 year if she thinks its a good idea for you to go out to a meetup? I'm thinking it may not be appropriate for you to do that.
I am noticing that you read what is written to you,then you say you agree and you get it. Then you post a really long answer indicating that you are still thinking and doing all the things you said you got.
She is in crisis. That means she will not be thinking rationally. It means she will say and do things that dont make any sense. It means she is in selfish, teenager mode. It means that she will blame you for everything.
No amount of you trying to understand, no amount of talking or reasoning, no amount of you telling her that you love her is going to make any difference while she is in one. It just isnt.
You cannot continue to blame her actions on her father or her divorced friends. While she isnt fully rational, she is making her own choices.
The sooner you get your mind around it all, the better off you will be. You are getting in your own way here, Matt. Stop it.
This is what is happening. Hard and sucky as it is. The woman you once knew is gone for now.
But you can have empathy for her. You can honor your marriage and your wife by allowing her to walk her journey.
She cant walk it if you are standing in the way. You keep holding onto her pants leg. She keeps trying harder and harder to get you off.
She cant hear you right now. She just cant.
So, your job is to look after you and your kids and to get out of the way of her path.
I know its difficult. I know it is heartbreaking. I know you feel that she is destroying everything and you cant understand why.
She is in terrible pain, Matt. Can you imagine feeling so badly that you are willing to destroy everything you have known because of it?
Leave her to figure herself out. She cannot move forward in this if she is still looking over her shoulder at you.
Love her enough to let her go and love you enough to walk your own journey.
Make a conscious decision today. Say to yourself, I cannot understand it and thats ok. Some things just are. They arent meant to be understood.
You have been given this amazing opportunity to become your best self. Take it.
Show your children how to navigate through life's turmoils with dignity and courage. What an extraordinary gift you have been given. Show them well.
Let it go. Accept what is. Remember you will get through it.
I haven't read your entire thread yet, but your sitch sounds a lot like mine.
I'll be quick.
Please.
Please.
PLEASE do not end up like me.
Read my thread. URworthy, JOB, AJM, Eric, Mach, Wonka...all of them will tell you that I was (and probably am to an extent) stuck. Very stuck. Listen to these people and take their advice.
Let her go.
Sure, it is ok to want what was, but don't hope for it or expect it man. It's not going to happen anytime soon. Your wife is not the same. She has changed....REALLY changed. Not even close to the person that she was.
Mirage? He's just being realistic buddy. That is all. He's trying to help.
It [censored].
It hurts.
When I came to this board three and a half years ago, the three words that I hated the most were: LET HER GO. I still hate those words, but you have to do it.
As I said, read my story. It is very similar to yours. From what I understand, AJM's is similar as well.
Don't make the mistakes I did.
Please.
It's for you.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
