What to do

[Ben2010]

This would have been a great opportunity to show concern in a brief way such as "It seems to me that you're tired...have you had a long day at work?"

I asked her what was wrong? She told me that it was stress from work and everything else.

It is not "playing games" when you have a deeply wounded WAW wanting space from you to figure out her stuff. What is so wrong with that? You will need to accept that W may not contact you or want to talk with you as much as YOU want to. She's on a different timetable than you. The sooner you realize this, the better your emotions will be.

The part about playing games that Im referring to is telling me that she is going to call me and not calling me at all for like 2 days. I understand that she needs time and space, but Im not just here to be used when she wants someone to talk to and no one else is around.

No talk until she's ready to work on the M?! The M is long gone. How about reframing this in your mind to use the opportunities to show W the 'new' Ben? You can't expect the WAW to go from 0 to 120 mph in working on the M. It is not how it works at all.

Ok, so the reason I went to this was because she has already agreed to go to counseling and a date. She seems to be forcing this to me though. The date is called off at this time and I feel like that might have been a mistake by me. She also told me earlier in that same day that she "didnt want to fix things." Not sure how to take that. Maybe it means right now, maybe it means never.

Ben, you handled this part very well. Nice job!

Thanks, I thought I did well on that too. Though I think she will be skeptical about it until I can prove consistently that I have changed.

I wouldn't put down such a hard line to W on this...unless she's in active affair with OM. Another way would be, "I will not have any discussions with you on the M until you've ended things with the OM, give me access to your phone/emails because it is disrespectful to me and our M.

Not really sure where you get the OM thing from. I dont think she is involved with anyone else. Although such a radical change in her behavior has made me question it. I didnt deliver that in a mean way either. It was more of explanatory saying that I know that she will need time and that I wasnt putting a limit on it for her.



As Sandi has mentioned several times here in DB, it takes a while for the WAS to start missing the true essence of their spouses and friendship with them that the start thinking about coming home. It is a long journey back home which is why we all stress the importance of keeping the road home paved smooth for them.

This is the part that I am going to have the most trouble with. The patience thing is not something Im good at. Everytime I think of contacting her I call my brother instead. Thankfully he is almost always available for me to talk to. I feel like he might be getting tired of hearing it though.

Thanks for your comments Wonka. It is always appreciated from an outside view.