Let's dissect your convo with W with the goal of learning about the WAW mind and using validation skills effectively. Ok? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I asked her if she would come over and we could have a talk last night. She agreed to it but not without getting really snippy and asking about what. I just told her the whole situation. I had given up on her coming over about the time that she pulled up. She asked me to come down to her car. I have a feeling that she didnt want to come in the apartment because she thinks that I would just keep talking and not let her leave.
Becareful of mindreading. W has her own reasons for wanting you to come to her car. You just don't know the why part. It's as simple as that. Although I suspect it might be hard for the WAS to enter the marital home as reminders of you and the M are all over the place.
So I went down to her car and she made small talk for a bit. Didnt seem to be in a bad mood but seemed really tired and stressed out.
This would have been a great opportunity to show concern in a brief way such as "It seems to me that you're tired...have you had a long day at work?"
I let her finish what she wanted to talk about and then I told her this:
"I dont want this to come off as mean or anything, but I cant play these games anymore. It seems that we arent getting anywhere with talking because it just turns into a fight. I dont think we should talk anymore until you are ready to work on the M."
It is not "playing games" when you have a deeply wounded WAW wanting space from you to figure out her stuff. What is so wrong with that? You will need to accept that W may not contact you or want to talk with you as much as YOU want to. She's on a different timetable than you. The sooner you realize this, the better your emotions will be.
No talk until she's ready to work on the M?! The M is long gone. How about reframing this in your mind to use the opportunities to show W the 'new' Ben? You can't expect the WAW to go from 0 to 120 mph in working on the M. It is not how it works at all.
You need to build up on each interaction one by one. How that is done is by doing several things: 1) Light & Breezy 2) No R talk unless W talks 3) Validate effectively when opportunities arise at the moment
To my surprise that opened the flood gates. She wasnt yelling or anything but she told me everything that bothered her. I sat back and listened validating some of it. Admitting that she had every right to feel that way.
Her feelings are as equally valid as yours. They may change next week, next month, next year.
She of course said the usual "why didnt you try and fix this before." I told her that i understood her frustration with it but that it was better late than never. She also told me that she wasnt sure if my changes were going to last. I said "these changes are for me, I want to be a better person for me, if you happen to be there then you will benefit as well."
Ben, you handled this part very well. Nice job!
She also explained that she was just afraid that it would go back to the same thing. I told her that I understood that too, but that I was in this for the long haul. We discussed the 5LL which surprisingly she read already. I told her that it opened my eyes and that it could be so simple for us to have a happy M. She said that she has tried to tell me before so many times and even tried to get me to read the book. I do remember that, I told her that I was just an idiot and didnt understand what was going on or what I was doing. I also said that anyone who gets married should have to read that book first.
How about saying, "Thank you for telling me. I didn't realize how important this was to you and I apologize for not being attentive to your feelings. This is something I'd do differently now.
She ended the night by driving me up to the door and asking if she should call me in a week or so. I said "no you should call me when you are ready to work on the R." She hugged me and that was the night.
I wouldn't put down such a hard line to W on this...unless she's in active affair with OM. Another way would be, "I will not have any discussions with you on the M until you've ended things with the OM, give me access to your phone/emails because it is disrespectful to me and our M.
Overall I felt pretty good about it. Now is the hard part though. I have to make sure that I dont contact her at all until she calls me. I want her to get a real look at what a S or D would be like and see if thats really what she wants. I know its early on for me, but sometimes you have to play for all the marbles.
As Sandi has mentioned several times here in DB, it takes a while for the WAS to start missing the true essence of their spouses and friendship with them that the start thinking about coming home. It is a long journey back home which is why we all stress the importance of keeping the road home paved smooth for them.
