Thanks Everyone and yes, you are all so very right. I really was trying to express (not well) that I'm seeing exactly what you have all been saying. Although I do like your post Eric, I guess I didn't see the dynamic until you pointed it out so well. I actually was glad I had that talk with her. I really saw every aspect of her craziness all in one conversation! I saw just what you point out Mach and Eric, you just can't have a rational conversation no matter what the subject matter. I saw her like I saw my daughter a few years ago when she was going through a rebellious stage, the always circling back to what she wants and thinks. The having to find a way that I'm the one being unfair or not seeing the reality of what is really happening here. The trying to justify or min. the results of her poor choices. Of course it was weird that she was naked for part of the conversation! She had just come home and for the first time in a very long time she got naked in front of me like it was no big deal. Very odd that.
I also saw real fear. Fear of what is coming even if it is her that is driving that way. Fear of what I may become or feel towards her. If she really thinks what she is doing is so right why would she be so afraid of what I may or may not do in the future? She is the one that blames her fears on what others are telling her I will do (she said several times "Everyone told me that you would ____ but I didn't want to believe them". Thing is I hadn't actually DONE anything! And Just who is "everyone"? that turned out to be dad and her twice divorced friend)
I was so much LESS angry after watching her body language and hearing her need so badly to place some kind of blame on me for anything she feels or does. I'm glad I had this talk. I see her so much more as a scared little girl who is so wrapped up in what SHE wants but at the same time doesn't want to be seen as "bad". She has always been somewhat selfish with the people she knows will allow it. She is one of those people that would rather do something that makes her look good to the people around her like at work or at the school in front of the other parents but at the same time wouldn't do the same for the people who she knows love or care about her. It's the same dynamic with her father. He hasn't done Sheet for her most of his life but all he need do is ask and she would do whatever he wants, not a single complaint. Her mom who has always been there for her asks for something and all she does is complain about her being so damn "needy". It's just magnified in her now that she's MLC.
My lawyer really was the one who didn't want me to do this but I didn't think it was worth the battle in the end. I guess it was wrong of me but I really wanted her to know that I didn't have to do this, that I was in my rights to refuse to do it but chose not to. Defin. weakness on my part! I see so clearly what her behavior has done to me and the way I do things! I never would have felt the need to show this in the past but would have just done it. Why the hell does it matter that she see's that I didn't need to? Because I'm still buying into her "You're the one who caused this" crap! She will never see anything but what she wants and I could be a saint or give her a kidney and she would still find some way that it isn't anything but what she deserves me to do for her. I really thought I was done with that but I guess I still need to work on it.
I understand that I can't stop her from doing anything. I understand that no matter what I say she will keep doing what she is doing. Part of me does think that she may someday come out of her MLC and see just what she has lost and that part of me doesn't want her thinking that I will reject her out of hand and be afraid to come and talk to me when she starts to see how she was just as at fault for what happened. I really believe that her being in her own place, totally "in control of her own life" (like anyone ever is!)won't do a damn thing to make her any happier. I guess part of me is still hanging on to some tiny hope. Hate seeing that in me but if I'm to be honest it's there. Something else I need to work on.
For now she is gone for the weekend and I have to be there for my D14. She is going out with some friends tomorrow and is looking forward to it. Now that my W is going, we will be able to have her friends come over. My W was freaked by our house being small that she never wanted to have friends of the kids over. That was all in her head and now my D will be able to hang out at her house with her friends! Starting to see some defin. pluses to not having a crazy person sharing my life!
