Continuing my DB'ing journey...

[T384]

It's just the wondering. I know I can't change it.

[T384]

I'm struggling with how I DB while holding out for what I want with the lawyers.

I am holding firm on what I want regarding my premarital assets, custody etc. I feel this will make him resent me more

Also by me being quiet what do you guys expect or think will happen? I know I should expect nothing.

[woundedfool]

It's just the wondering. I know I can't change it.

So... if you know you have no control... What does it help you to wonder (worry)?

I am holding firm on what I want regarding my premarital assets, custody etc. I feel this will make him resent me more

It might make him resent you, but as long as they are valid reasons, then it is on him.

However, I should mention... be careful about "holding firm", while I appreciate you might want to hold firm on the antique chair that is a family heirloom. Don't confuse that with the scented candle collection. Keep your eye on the big picture things.

Also by me being quiet what do you guys expect or think will happen? I know I should expect nothing.

I guess I don't understand this part of the question. What are you going to be quiet about?

[T384]

It's not about material things it's about a good chunk of change I have tied up in boats vehicles etc that were pre marital that he is hiding and wants half of.

That's what I am holding firm on. Also holding firm on custody. He asked for sole custody and me to have visitation determined by the judge. I offered him to have the boys every other weekend and he could see them the 3 week nights it am at work like he is currently doing but that they stay the night in their home. My oldest son cries to me that he doesn't want to go anywhere with his dad or live with him. He is pretty smart for his age and I hide as much as I can from him that I feel he doesn't need to know. My theory is the boys lives shouldn't have to be completely uprooted due to H's decisions

My lawyer feels (based on limited interaction with H lawyer) that he wants the kids to spite me and to not pay child support. She believes if we offer reduced child support from H and not to go after him because of being paid under the table he will let me have the boys. I'm hoping this is true. His actions have shown he really cares more about himself than the boys.

[T384]

Also by me being quiet what do you guys expect or think will happen? I know I should expect nothing.

I guess I don't understand this part of the question. What are you going to be quiet about? [/quote]

Sorry I didn't make sense I am multitasking and not always great at that plus I am always on my phone hence the typing errors.

I meant should would you think he will notice or try to reach out? Or would that not happen since he is so involved in his relationship? My goal with my DB coach was that he would come around more often. Meaning he wouldn't only come to the house when I wasn't home.

[woundedfool]

It's not about material things it's about a good chunk of change I have tied up in boats vehicles etc that were pre marital that he is hiding and wants half of.

As said before, IANAL. But what does your attorney say:

about the assets themselves?
that he is hiding them?
are they indeed pre-marital?

Also holding firm on custody. He asked for sole custody and me to have visitation determined by the judge.

What does your attorney say? Seems unlikely he would get sole custody without a home (or at least apt).

I offered him to have the boys every other weekend

Leave those offers to your attorney to make.

My lawyer feels (based on limited interaction with H lawyer) that he wants the kids to spite me and to not pay child support.

Does your attorney have any belief that he could get sole custody?

Personal note, while I fully feel you are a capable responsible person. At my core I am a believer in 50/50 custody unless heath, safety, ability to provide or distance is an issue.

While it stinks the weeks I do not have S8, that has become my "personal time" to stay in touch with "me" (and get all sorts of other stuff done).

I meant should would you think he will notice or try to reach out? Or would that not happen since he is so involved in his relationship? My goal with my DB coach was that he would come around more often. Meaning he wouldn't only come to the house when I wasn't home.

He will notice....The relationship is a distraction of his own making, that is why you should not get involved. If you get involved, he can blame you when it ultimately falls apart (for whatever reason) do not try to force it, do not reach out. Stay your course.

[T384]

It's not about material things it's about a good chunk of change I have tied up in boats vehicles etc that were pre marital that he is hiding and wants half of.

As said before, IANAL. But what does your attorney say:

about the assets themselves?
that he is hiding them?
are they indeed pre-marital?

Yes they are premarital. We are in the works to try and get them returned. He thinks because I purchased them while we were together (not married) with my own money that he is entitled to half. My L says he has no right or leg to stand on with them

Also holding firm on custody. He asked for sole custody and me to have visitation determined by the judge.

What does your attorney say? Seems unlikely he would get sole custody without a home (or at least apt).

He will not get sole custody. At best he will get 50% time shared.

I offered him to have the boys every other weekend

Leave those offers to your attorney to make.

This was when he asked me face to face the night he suckered me into an argument when I first joined DB

My lawyer feels (based on limited interaction with H lawyer) that he wants the kids to spite me and to not pay child support.

Does your attorney have any belief that he could get sole custody?

Personal note, while I fully feel you are a capable responsible person. At my core I am a believer in 50/50 custody unless heath, safety, ability to provide or distance is an issue.

While it stinks the weeks I do not have S8, that has become my "personal time" to stay in touch with "me" (and get all sorts of other stuff done).

It is not in the boys best interest to be with him 50% of the time. It is in their best interest to have time with their dad. His boss is an ex convict and he is living with him and a teenager. It is not an environment that I want my boys in. Even if he does get his own apartment the boys should not have to be shuffled back and forth one night on one off. I have a calendar of every visit text call etc. he has seen them 3x a week (about 3 hours a week) for the last 4 months. He has taken them ONE Saturday when I told him he had to. All other times he refuses or doesn't even ask. My attorney told me to stop offering him to take the boys on the weekend.

I meant should would you think he will notice or try to reach out? Or would that not happen since he is so involved in his relationship? My goal with my DB coach was that he would come around more often. Meaning he wouldn't only come to the house when I wasn't home.

He will notice....The relationship is a distraction of his own making, that is why you should not get involved. If you get involved, he can blame you when it ultimately falls apart (for whatever reason) do not try to force it, do not reach out. Stay your course.

I have not gotten involved at all. Since him acknowledging it I have not brought it up. He actually hasn't even tried to reach out to me since he told me about it. He has been completely dark with me minus a random are you at work text and basketball the other night. I think since he knows I know now he doesn't feel the need to go out of his way to talk to me.

I have no intention if reaching out. This weekend will be VERY hard for me. Knowing they are away. Together. alone. Father's Day. Ugh. Just [censored]

[woundedfool]

This weekend will be VERY hard for me.

Take stock in the good for YOU this weekend.

Tell me a few things that are good?

Knowing they are away. Together. alone.

Say it with me: "___ __"

[T384]

Haha LET GO!

How does everyone else seem to let go so easily? Lol I guess it must just be me. I am having a hard time accepting how terrible he has handled this. How he just walked out. How he stole money from my account while the boys and I were out if the country. That he can still do all of that. Never tell me he filed for divorce and then blame me for why he is dating someone, but wait they didn't start dating until just recently and only because I accused him - eye roll

What is good - I will be taking the boys to the water park tomorrow with MIL. Tomorrow night a few friends and I are doing the local bike pub crawl (we live at the beach so it should be fun) Sunday is boat day as usual so I know the boys are looking forward to deep sea fishing and riding the jetski. Monday we are taking them to legoland with MIL. That is the good in my life - my boys

[Maybell]

T, why do you think anyone here finds it easy? All I read on the forum is people struggling with it, doing well and then backsliding and trying again.

This is still new for you. You've had a lot of blows and crises over a short period of time. You're juggling the loss of your husband and personal insults and legal machinations all at once. Your poor 6yo... I feel for you all.

I'm glad you have a great weekend planned. Enjoy it. Use it as detachment practice.