Why does my H work so much? Well... here are some thoughts.
When we first married one of the things I REALLY admired about him was that he was able to put work aside at the end of the day. When he was at work, he was at work, when he was at home, he was at home. He worked hard and he worked weekends/evenings when necessary (he has a white collar job) but ONLY when necessary. My dad had a similar kind of job and growing up we just never knew when he was going to show up, how late he was going to work, etc. Sometimes he worked into the wee hours. So H having a bright line between what was reasonable and what wasn't was very appealing.
When he took this job we knew there would be significantly more travel but the job itself is a great opportunity for really taking his career to a new level. After BD he expressed amazement that he had allowed himself to be so sidetracked by OW. He even said, "I can't believe I did all that. I've been totally distracted at work. I can do better." So there was a little bit of panic involved that he found that he was "that guy." This much was sincere. I don't know what has changed in him since then, but he's still in touch with her (I can't tell how much).
After BD he didn't take any time at all off for US, even though the MC was his idea, the repairing the R was his idea, etc. Since a lot of his schedule was already set at that time I could see that it was difficult for him to get away and didn't object. As time has gone by, though, it's one of the things that really made me into the flaming shrew I became the last 3 months or so before he finally moved out. He has made zero time for us. Then I find out he never really stopped contacting OW at all and I think his working so much is partly an excuse to stay in touch with her. If he took time off to be with his family then he wouldn't have the means to keep in touch with her, since they mostly communicate through work channels.
What are my goals?
1. Reinstate my professional certification 2. Find a job 3. Get the separation agreement/property settlement implemented so I have some security 4. Continue GAL 5. Not gain back the marital crisis weight loss 6. Clear out the house in case I have to be ready to sell
I don't know what my goals re: H should be. I don't know how I feel about him right now. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever really cared about my happiness. He's a very withdrawn, but somewhat demanding guy (MC calls it an ADD bubble) and now that I'm experiencing a certain amount of liberty from worrying about him all the time I'm wondering what I hope for from the R. He called last night and was reasonably friendly, which confuses me. My kids clearly, urgently want him to come home and for our family to be repaired. I don't want to hurt my kids but I also WILL NOT go back to the relationship as it was. I think if I didn't love him I wouldn't have felt confused after our brief chat last night, because it was nice to hear his voice, but I will no longer compromise on only being with someone who really cares about me and appreciates my caring about him.
I welcome suggestions. I am still in IC but a lot of our conversation has been about navigating this time, less about what I want from the future. I described DR/DB to C and he's on board with it but more concerned with helping me adjust healthfully at this time.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
