Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #5

[ericmsant2]

Matt

Sometimes I have a hard time reading your thread...it brings me back to when I was parked on the crazy train and for the life of me could not figure out why I could not get off.

Was it love?

Was it my religious beliefs?

Was it fear?

Was it the kids?

Was it me?

And....just as I would put ONE itsy bitsy toe out....BOOM...I was right back on the train.

Lemme show you something...

I texted back that I would talk to her when she came home

This ^^^ is YOU being logical and stating YOUR position.

she didn't like this as she texted "What's to talk about"?

This ^^^^ is her totally ignoring YOUR position.

So, I again text no big deal, just something my lawyer said.

This ^^^ is YOU CAVING and then having to JUSTIFY YOUR POSITION.

At a first glance seems pretty normal - right? EXCEPT you have created an interesting dynamic between you and her. In part, because you are pissed and afraid to loose her. Psstt...guess what she knows this. So as I am sure you understand by now, MLC is about HER NEEDS, HER WANTS, HER POSITION. Sorry dude, you do not matter.

Can you see the dynamic? Can you see why she will continue to do things that you do not agree with? Can you see that until YOU change this dynamic that nothing will change. You will say "the Sky is blue"...."she will say it is PURPLE"...you will then respond "no honey it really is blue" - and BOOM...she gotcha again.

When you are comfortable with yourself, when you truly drop the rope, you will state what you need to state and will stop responding to her. Your responses are YOUR ATTEMPT to have her "get it".

DB is about doing what works...

You have tried the I can talk to her till she "get's it" approach. Maybe it is time to change your approach.

As usual, as soon as she hears something she doesn't like, she starts to talk over me and not let me finish.

Why should she listen to you. YOu are the one after all that is crazy. Right?

I tell her that my L doesn't want me to do this but as long as she's in agreement that the car remains CP even after I sign, I will do that as I can't see how I would not be OK with her keeping the car.

Notice your response? You started negotiating with her. YOU GAVE IN. YOu did not stand your ground. Lemme ask you a question....

If your kid came home and asked you if he could snort coke in his room, away from you, so that you would not see it. What would you say? Chance are NO. Right?

Would you continue to debate this with your kid? Chances are NO. So why are you trying to debate everything with her? Psstt..hint.....IMO, cause deep down inside you still are tying to talk your way out of this. Psstt another hint - It aint gonna work.

She MUST find fault with me in every interaction!

Have we not mentioned that she is going to keep doing that. Know what the problem is? YOU HAVE AN EXPECTATION that SHE WILL STOP - at some point. And when that does not work...you cave...you try and negotiate with her. Guess what that does? It hands the power of the R over to her.

I tell her to stop, please, I'm trying to do something for you. She then tells me that when she got the text she got VERY angry and asked why I didn't say more than just I'll talk later. I tell her what would you have me say "Lawyer doesn't want me to sign"?, don't you think that would have been worse?

See above comments on the dynamic that you have created.

"My lawyer does not want me to sign"

That ^^^ buddy is FEAR. Why? First off, your L works for YOU. YOUR L advices and YOU decide how to proceed. Do you think she is stupid and does not know this. Your response screamed of Fear. Instead of OWNING your choice...you blamed the poor old Lawyer.

IMO, your response should have been straight to the point. NO. When she pushed...your response could have been. "I will not have this conversation now". When she pushed again. Your response could have been " (insert sounds of you walking away) ".

She then tells me that she doesn't trust me. I stop her there and tell her that she was my best friend and the person I loved more than any other for 25 years. I still love her and care deeply for her, even if not in the same way as before and I would never hurt her on purpose.

This is YOU trying to talk your way out of it again. Have you considered that by continuing to try and express what YOU want that you are telling her that what SHE WANTS is not important.

Think about it.

That she needs to stop listening to people who tell her that I'm going to do awful things because I'm not that kind of person.

OMG, I remember doing this...you are actually making excuses for HER. Nah..it cannot be her CHOICE...it must be her friends. Bul*chit. It is her choice. Love her enough to let her LIVE her choices.

That I want her to be happy, with me or without and I hope she finds the thing she needs so bad.

DO you really? Tell me how you feel if she takes you to the cleaners...drives around in the new BMW with a new dude...the BMW BTW, you are paying for. Comm'on dude. Really. YOu want her to be happy - then cut the cord. Let her live her choices and her life - you live YOURS.

I'll post more later..

Tell me what you think about the above...