"The Show Must Go On"

[wishing, hoping]

I don't know why, but I am feeling nervous. Sixth sense or paranoia? I am not sure which.

I told H I was willing to keep the language regarding the $3000 as the same, but I know my attorney wants to add language to protect me in the event H cannot refinance the house. I need that language, hands down, but I don't know how H will react and honestly I want this to be done. I am spent emotionally and mentally and financially.

I have been doing much soul searching and I know I suffer from depression/anxiety. I don't do things because I am nervous and scared. I could see myself becoming a hermit if I didn't have the kids. I have been so busy I have forgotten to take my anxiety meds and now I can tell a complete difference from when I do take them from when I don't. It kind of svcks to know there is really something wrong with me and I will need to take these meds for the rest of my life in order to keep myself calm. I often wonder if I had been proactive and accepted the fact I have anxiety issues and gotten on meds earlier if I could have saved my marriage.

I am not saying I was 100% at fault, but I do have to accept some responsibility. H wasn't happy. I was totally invested in the kids' lives and he came second. And I was stressed out all the time and could be sort of a b*tch. Who wants to come home to that, right? BUT he chose to take the coward's way out and have a back up plan before he could tell me he was done. And he lied from beginning to end about everything. If he was so done, what was he afraid of?

I often wonder if H is having an MLC, or if he was just done? We all know no matter what that something ain't right in his head. And it really doesn't matter because now this is about me and I can't fix H no matter what the problem really is. I wasn't happy either. Now let's see what I can do to fix it.

I have sold a few items on Craigslist. Not a lot, but it's a start. I also have some items on a garage sale site for my town. It's hard to sell because the sites are so flooded, but I guess persistence is key.

I started riding my bike again for the first time in about 30 years. It felt weird. Really weird, but yet exhilarating. I kinda feel silly on this bike but I suppose I just need to get used to it.

Finished one side of the paper mache pinata for D's birthday. It's gonna look awesome when it's finished. I wish I could post pictures to the forum. LOL. I also got a cool idea to paper mache over soda bottles and make rockets out of them with streamers under them. Sometimes these ideas come popping into my head and I get so excited I can't stand it.

Also in good news, I can pay off my washer and dryer and bring them home. No more laundromat. I hope I can find someone to help me unload and hook them up. The debt is being chiseled away little by little. And I am keeping my head above water. Once I have no legal fees to pay I should be doing much better, although I am wondering how I am gonna pay off this lawyer.

Just keep on keeping on I guess.

WH