It feels good...knowing I am definitely on the right path for me.
Unfortunately...and I'm just putting my thoughts down here and acknowledge that I can't mind-read or predict the future, but... I'm getting the vibe that if my wife is going to have a change of heart about her chosen path, it's not going to be until after she's moved out and we're living separately. We carry on for the most part like a happily married couple, minus the love and affection. She says just doesn't feel it for me. Which seems weird in light of how much we enjoy each other's company, and how much fun we've been having going out together and when we're hanging out at home with friends and family. And it is hard seeing her express love and affection toward just about everyone else except me (needless to say I STFU about it).
W actually brought up her feelings a week or so ago... She asked me how I was able to be the great guy I've been being--how I was able to be everything she wanted in a relationship--despite the fact that she knew she wasn't able to do the same for me in return. I wasn't sure how to respond... But what I told her was that given our history, I wouldn't expect her to be in a place right now where she felt like doing the same for me in return, and what she was seeing from me was my work on becoming the type of man I want to be, regardless of our status. And that ultimately, in a way, I owed her a debt of gratitude for helping me to see what type of man that is. Married or not, relationship or not, this is my effort to become a better person...everything else flows from that.
I try not to think about it too much, but it is strange to me that W will on the one hand pull me aside to give me a hug and tell me how much she's been enjoying "us" lately, and then on the other hand remark about how she wishes she had feelings for me that she just doesn't have. I'm her best friend she says... And it really is feeling like we've returned to that place where I'm pining away for that girl that I'm "just friends" with because my feelings aren't reciprocated.
She deserves everything she wants in a relationship. More and more I'm realizing so do I. I'm not pushing her in that regard. In fact I'm mum about it. But more and more I'm finding myself saying in my head "I'm ready to be loved."
Last edited by stumps; 06/13/1403:58 AM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Well... it is an admittedly nebulous concept, but...
I think what it means, for me, is that I am moving toward a place where I believe it is better to be on my own than with a person who doesn't reciprocate my feelings toward them and the effort I put into the relationship.
Granted, I flip-flop on this internally, and so I'm not acting on these feelings. Yet. The major consideration is my kids, and the fact that I think they deserve an intact family and two full-time parents. My W and I chose to bring them into this world and I believe we have a life-long responsibility toward them. And my W and I chose to make our wedding vows, and I meant them and believe I have a life-long responsibility to keep them (barring certain extreme circumstances). And there is the fact that my W is my best friend and we do still truly enjoy each other's company.
But I have come to see "love" as a decision...a process... a verb. It's something you choose to do and express toward another person. W still sees love as an emotion that you fall under the spell of...something that happens to you, and if you don't feel it, then it isn't there and that is the sign that the relationship is over and you should move on.
W said to me the other day that she wants to be able to move past her negative feelings about our marital history, but she "just can't". She said she wants to still love me, but she "just doesn't, not in the way a wife should love her husband." How can you argue with that? You can't.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Can you argue with it? Yes. You can. Might be pointless, though...
Look, the fact that your W hasn't booked yet speaks volumes. Her feelings didn't get to where they are overnight... a couple of weeks... or months. It was a gradual thing.
Her feelings are going to change back the same way. It is a process. You need to keep showing her what kind of man you are.. that you are working towards. To just cave now could show her that you aren't in it for the long haul. Show her you are.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
W still sees love as an emotion that you fall under the spell of.
Quote:
The major consideration is my kids... My W and I chose to bring them into this world and I believe we have a life-long responsibility toward them. And my W and I chose to make our wedding vows, and I meant them and believe I have a life-long responsibility to keep them (barring certain extreme circumstances). And there is the fact that my W is my best friend and we do still truly enjoy each other's company.
And the emotion you're under the spell of right now is________
She wants to, that's probably 75% more than most people on this forum are getting.
What are you doing to be the man with whom she can have those feelings?
Love is a verb goes both ways.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And the emotion you're under the spell of right now is________
I'm not sure how to fill in that blank... maybe "fear", but maybe I'm just taking W at her word...or, sometimes I think she is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. She believes she can't get past it...so she won't get past it.
Originally Posted By: labug
What are you doing to be the man with whom she can have those feelings?
Love is a verb goes both ways.
I wouldn't dare to answer that question for myself (not at this stage anyway!). But going off my W's feedback, I would say everything humanly possible! Really. I don't want to break my arm patting myself on the back too hard, but W has told me repeatedly that I am doing and being everything she ever wanted... Sometimes I think that's part of the "problem" from her perspective. She's finally getting everything she wanted, but it's not changing her feelings, so her assumption is her feelings will never change. But she doesn't want to leave just yet because she's afraid if she does "some other woman will snatch up" the new me (her words, not mine). I think that's why I've been wondering lately if she is going to have a change of heart, it won't be until after we've separated and I'm not around anymore.
You know... the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder..."
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So things have been continuing in the same vein with little to no change... W and I get along like a pretty normal couple, albeit a platonic one. Still having a date night once a week, hanging with neighbors, stuff with the kids, etc. W asks for acts of service (one of her LLs) and I fulfill them. W has made comments a couple of times alluding to the future (e.g., "If our financial situation is ever going to change one of us will probably have to find a new job.") but I don't place too much stock in them. W in fact just texted to me to ask if I wanted to have a "patio date" when she got back from shopping. All of this is great, but I know that in part she is doing all of these things in hopes that they will lead to a change in her emotional connection to me, and that hasn't happened... yet. Just trying to remain patient and let things happen at their own pace, and enjoy the fact that she is trying. I know that's a lot more than a lot of folks around here are getting...
Would love some feedback on this... W asked me this morning if I would be willing for the two of us to meet with my IC. W sees her own IC, but I think she has been feeling stuck...like her IC is a great sympathetic ear, but doesn't provide much practical advise on how to achieve what W says she wants to achieve...which is to regain an emotional connection to me. W said that she has seen all the great progress I have made, and that the holistic/spiritual orientation my IC practices is very attractive to W (her IC is very "clinical"), and that W feels like she and the both of us could benefit from meeting with my IC because my IC already knows our background and we wouldn't have to meet with someone knew who would need to be brought up to speed on our history. I asked W if there was anything in particular she wanted to discuss, and she said no, that she just felt like some joint counseling would be beneficial (I agree) and she thought my IC would be good for the reasons I just listened. Has anybody here done this? Brought their WAS in for some joint sessions with their own IC. I'm actually open to the idea...I can't think of much I've discussed with my IC that I wouldn't want coming out in a joint session (and I don't think my IC would divulge anything without following my lead first anyway), but I'm wondering if anyone here has experience with this and can advise for or against it.
I did ask my W if my IC said no, if she would be willing to meet with someone else recommended by my IC, and she said yes.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
