Originally Posted By: cq1


It seems as though, all the things I read and believe in that will help save my marriage are all bundled up in my mind and Im trying to do all at once and getting no reaction from w.




And therein lies your problem, cq.

You sound a lot like me, frankly. I too am a "pleaser" -- a classic "Mr. Nice Guy." Did all the things for my wife, too -- wrote her song lyrics, bought her flowers, helped with the dishes and the kids . . . all of it. Said I loved her (and I did . . .and I DO!), but when I did my self-study stuff during her affair I learned that it was as much CO-DEPENDENCE as it was also LOVE.

Have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More?" Excellent read.

What I'm getting at, as you've got to learn a brand new paradigm here -- a new way of looking at things. Rather than come at situations from a standpoint of "If I do ______, what will my wife think? Will it make her angry? How will her anger make ME feel?" (or, conversely, "Will she be pleased? Will she notice? That would make me FEEL GOOD!") . . . you instead have to come at it as:

What is the thing that God Himself would have me do in this situation, if He were standing right in front of me?

(If you're not a man of faith, then maybe "What is the RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation, my wife's opinion of it notwithstanding?")

I sense that are going thru your life trying to please your wife, and as you found, that's a cheeseless tunnel (notice that once you made your business successful, and you had two homes, that she still wasn't happy).

Our spouses are meant to be our FROSTING, not our CAKE. Learn to bake your own cake . . . use this time to figure out who CQ is, and what his core beliefs are. If your wife ends up coming around and becoming your frosting again . . . great. Mine did, and our marriage has never been stronger.

If not, you will have become a far better and stronger man, a role model to your kids, and you'll have a much, MUCH higher chance of happiness and success in your next relationship.

Make sense?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)