Good morning all, Had some reveling interactions with my W last night. She wants me to sign paperwork so she can refinance her car (actually our car since I paid the down payment and most of the payments) but my lawyer didn't like the idea. I thought about it and I figure there is no way that I will ever try and keep that car in the D settlement so why not do this.
She texted me yesterday morning asking if I could meet at her bank at a certain time. I waited to talk to my lawyer before answering and after I did, I texted back that I would talk to her when she came home. I could tell she didn't like this as she texted "What's to talk about"? So, I again text no big deal, just something my lawyer said.
So she gets home last night and I talk to her. As usual, as soon as she hears something she doesn't like, she starts to talk over me and not let me finish. I tell her that my L doesn't want me to do this but as long as she's in agreement that the car remains CP even after I sign, I will do that as I can't see how I would not be OK with her keeping the car. Of course not good enough for her. She HAS to say that it's MY fault as I should have refinanced HER car years ago. She MUST find fault with me in every interaction! I tell her to stop, please, I'm trying to do something for you. She then tells me that when she got the text she got VERY angry and asked why I didn't say more than just I'll talk later. I tell her what would you have me say "Lawyer doesn't want me to sign"?, don't you think that would have been worse?
She then tells me that she doesn't trust me. I stop her there and tell her that she was my best friend and the person I loved more than any other for 25 years. I still love her and care deeply for her, even if not in the same way as before and I would never hurt her on purpose. That she needs to stop listening to people who tell her that I'm going to do awful things because I'm not that kind of person. That I want her to be happy, with me or without and I hope she finds the thing she needs so bad. She tells me "There's a fine line between love and hate. I know you're angry with me." It's like her being so worried that I'm going to steal from her bank accounts if she accidentally leaves her info on a payment site. I tell her I would never do something like that, I'd never steal, let alone from her. She says "Maybe not now but what happens in a few months and you don't have much money".
This is all very enlightening to me. I have never given her reason to believe I would ever steal from anyone, let alone her. I have been so understanding and caring towards her and want her to be happy. I worked and she didn't for most of our marriage and not once did I say anything but this is our money and because I really felt that way! Now she sees me as someone she "can't trust" and worries about me stealing money? It's almost to the point now where she is telling herself I'm not who I am, that I'm this bad person who would be easy to leave. That I'm going to do vindictive things and in the 25 years we have been together I have never been vindictive. I swear she is thinking how she would act and feel if things were reversed! (a little mind reading there) and that is what she is thinking I'll do. Not to mention her father and "friends"...some friends, telling her at first that I was such a great guy and not to leave to now that she made up her mind, telling her all the horrible things I'll do because that's what their EX did!
I am angry at her for sure. Mostly because she refused to even try and just decided to walk away from a 20 year marriage. Add to that she filed before she even left after saying she wasn't and of course I'm angry. But I also have been supportive throughout this whole ordeal. I could have been awful, I could have let her totally on her own. I tried to understand that she was hurting (yes, 25 I have) and have NEVER been mean or done something to hurt her. She has made up most of what she keeps saying are reasons (changing history) and actually thinks me capable of things I wouldn't do to my worst enemy. I guess that she must think like this if only to tell herself she's right about leaving. I don't see how, with her believing that I'm now this other person, how she will ever be able to see me any other way. My M is truly and completely over. As long as she has people like her father telling her how justified she is in doing what she is doing, I don't ever see her turning back. She still is even saying how "easy' our D is going to be and believes this. We don't have anything to settle with the lawyers is her new mantra (yeah, right). Now, this morning she asked me about the private school for our D! Up until now, she has refused to even consider her going and moved 28 miles away for the "good schools" (again, not really true, IMO. It is also where her friends all live) now she wants to talk about this? She is all over the map and what she thinks one day changes the next, just like everyone said would happen. Why can't she see the way she is being? Do they really not have the ability to see how crazy they are acting? Of course the answer to that is they can't. Just like Eric said when you're crazy, everyone else are the crazy ones!
The worst part for me is that I just can't shake the feeling that we could have gotten through this. If she had been at all willing to try, to maybe go to MC or made some effort, we could have made it. We'll never know now as there is no stopping her and I can never see her changing her mind or admitting she made a mistake once she is gone. Just not like her. Too bad for all the people she is going to hurt and that includes herself. I doubt she will ever find anyone who will care as much for her as I have and still do. I'm sure that even I will stop caring over time and I see the damage she causes. Last year she had close to a nervous break down. She honestly thought I would rather she were dead. Accused me of feeding her things with lots of fat so she would have a heart attack or stroke! This was when she went back on AD's. I, of course, didn't feel that way nor did I do anything to make her think I felt that way. It was in her own head, just like all the things she sees me thinking now.
She is going away to visit her father this weekend. I will be doing some GAL activities myself. I really need to move forward as the slim hope that anything will ever change is now gone.
