"Man The F*** Up" The Ultimate 180

[25yearsmlc]

I read the other thread and saw your apology note, and supported that.

But I'm still not clear on your history b/c I think there are a few diff threads..yes?

I"m not sure of your age, for instance.

But the way you blame her right after admitting that you played a role, shows that your w is not the only confused person here.

If she lost respect for you and You say you understand why, then....that's that.

I mean in terms of an answer, you have it already. In terms of HOW SHE sees things, which is what dictates HER actions,

my guess is that Bond is correct in saying she believes she already tried. You ignored her and went about your life, depressed b/c of financial troubles and b/c a grandparent died.

I get it. My dad died, and it was a HUGE event in my life. Decades later, My mil died and it does affect spouses.

My h was a rock while my dad died but my dad was sick for just 8 weeks and then passed. MIL was sick for 2 years, but I still stepped it up for my h.

But I'm also human. When h snapped at me during his mother's illness, more than once, I noticed... and since we had just begun to piece, I STRONGLY urged "us" to attend Retrovaille. I would no longer be complacent.

As much as it sukks to leave someone while a parent is dying, (& I probably would not have left him regardless of what he did --within reason--but I'd have left him as soon as she passed way, HAD THERE BEEN NO CHANGE IN HIM...

there was very little reserve in me, to deal with any big issue again. Not after all the DBing. For ME, that's a one time deal.

Well, thank God we went. Retrovaille is excellent and it is for marriages in crisis.

Anyhow, I say all this b/c I think a grandparent dying is a typical life stressor. I know that iT's big--I"m not minimizing it, but it's also a "natural" thing to happen in the normal course of a life....Make sense?

I mean, what could she assume about how you'd react, to you two having a sick child, or if SHE became ill what type of partner would you be....if you became so depressed you could not function well, or you became nasty or whatever it was, that SHE saw and got to deal with every day...b/c your grandfather was sick and died?

See, I don't know what your neglect means or what you truly believe you did, so I can only guess. I do know you seem to have grossly underestimated the troubles your m had.

I mean, that's a fair statement, isn't it? Were you too distracted by your problems or did you think she'd wait it out, or were you even aware of how lonely she felt?

As for "all" your friends choosing her, why do you think that is? Surely even if she is bad mouthing you up the wazoo, SOME of them must "know" the real you.
(And geez, you need better friends if they are all hitting on her).

So, is it something in you that you are not seeing, or something they see in you that is not really there?

Your thoughts?