Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Thanks rayzzz your encouragement is really comforting. Admittedly I write positive to make sure I stay positive (trying to create a "positive spiral" of sorts). And it's working pretty well.

Amid the pep talk you do bring up a serious issue, that will be central going forward. How to deal with depression. My wife was adopted, and grew up a large family where she felt alienated (other kids were biological, not the same race), and not treated/considered on the same foot as others. So abandonment issues, not feeling loved, etc. Her bio parents also had history of such depression, so there's likely a biological component in addition to environmental.

She does show off and on signs of depression. At the beginning of our relationship, in fact, she was planning to kill herself. She was even thinking of setting me up with one of her friends so I wouldn't be alone! Thankfully, she went to therapy and was on meds for a short while.

Breakdowns can be triggered "by me", e.g. I don't respond or show interest and she'll go silent for a day. Jealousy can be a factor too. But other triggers can be at play too, for instance spending time with her parents dredges up bad memories and/or feelings.

Right before the breakup she was starting to feel "lost" (her words). She tried to get therapy. I got the gold plated private insurance at work - which is not that common here in the UK - specifically so she could get free sessions. She tried but they messed her around. She was throwing herself into her work and being successful, but in her words that was to avoid thinking about how numb she felt and how little connected we were.

This numbness is basically what she calls her malaise. She says that she doesn't know what being loved or loving someone feels like. She doesn't feel love, anger.

Enters other man. Signs her songs on the guitar, invites her to come work and hang out at his home, talks to her about his love of Jesus (though his version of Jesus seems to have a casual attitude to the sanctity of marriage, but anyway). She liked how it made her feel, so she kept on seeing him. I eventually caught her "officially" (because I saw it coming).

And here we are.