MM, Just want to say you are younger than I am and probably have different views about F-buddy type R's and such but let me give you some thoughts about how most men I know think about sex and R's. He has been with you for a very long time and feels comfortable having you as a partner. He see's that he won't be hurting you or leading you on as he has made it clear that he only wants a sex based R even after all the years you have been together and you can't get the wrong idea. He will be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and have sex when HE wants it even saying it's more about HIM and HIS needs "right now" than yours. Maybe later when he feels "better" it will be about more than HIM just getting off.
Please! You are not a toy to be played with whenever HE wants! The others are right about his telling you he kissed his dog walker and he will use the RE agent that "wants" him. Guy talk for "I'm interested in them but I will have to work to get them. You, all I need do is say "I want you now" and you will take whatever I want to give! No work, no guilt that I'm "using" another person...what a set up.
Let me tell you a story that is totally true. I was engaged a very long time ago to my HS sweetheart. She ended up leaving me for a guy she was working with and I was heart broken. We were together 7 years! This guy was nothing special. He was just what she decided she wanted and that was that. I pursued her for a while but decided to stop and accept that things were over. Remember, she started "dating" this guy BEFORE breaking up with me. A few months after I stopped pursuing her she called me and asked to meet. I thought that maybe she wanted to tell me she was getting married (an old friend told me was)in person or something like that so I said sure.
Well we met and had dinner and what she said to me was something I will never forget. She told me that she liked this new guy and was going to get married. The problem was the sex they had was bad! First she asked me "But that's not the most important thing, right?" I told her I couldn't tell her, that was up to her. Then she asked if I wanted to have a sex based R with her! Just sex, nothing else and she would just stay with him and get married.
I had loved her for a long time. Had great sex together (we were young and really learned together)and all I could think was I could never settle for that! Not fair to me, to her soon to be H, even to her! Did I want to be an object for her to play with whenever she wanted? No way. I turned her down and never saw her again. I hear she is D now.
MM, you have value as more than an object. He will never want you again until he really thinks he can't have you! If my ex had asked for more than sex, was willing to leave the other guy I might have said yes, worth a try. But not only sex, not enough. Tell him he can't have the milk unless he buys the cow! Tell him that if wants sex with you so much he will need to prove to YOU that HE is worthy of YOU.
Even my soon to be exW has said many times if you want a woman to be interested, stop being interested in her! Suddenly that guy starts being much more interesting since she knows she has to work for his attention. Works the same with guys. People don't value what they know they can have whenever they want. They value that which they must work for. Make him work! I'm willing to bet the day he really thinks he CAN'T have you when he wants you he will want you so much more. For 20 years you have been available to him on HIS terms. Time to change the dynamic and make yourself available only on YOUR terms!
Believe me I know it hurts now to lose what you thought was a life long partner. That all you want to do is find the right words or actions to make then see how big a mistake they are making...can't they see how perfect you are together, all the history, the good and bad times you went through? Right now the answer is NO, they can't. Really stinks, I know but it's reality. Will they ever be able to see what you KNOW to be true? Maybe, maybe not. But for that to happen YOU must change the sitch. Right now he doesn't see anything but a distorted view of the past. Make up your mind to really, really drop the rope until he knows he will lose you unless he makes changes. Until he feels that he CAN lose you, he will never value you! Stupid, yes. Counter intuitive? Yes. But oh so very true!
