"He was expressing how he will be using that real estate agent that is attracted to him." -- THIS IS GUY TALK TELLING YOU HE IS GOING TO TRY TO DATE HER.
him telling you he kissed the dog walker is his way of saying he dated her.
"He mentioned that its important to have relationships with other men." -- THIS IS GUY TALK FOR GO DATE OTHER MEN.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Starsky ~ red/green... agree... my actions are confusing.... I encouraged this yesterday!!
KenF ~ thank you but incorrect. If he was going to try to date the agent, he would not be spending time with me or to offer exclusive & be willing to see where it goes (he is not that guy).... He went on 2 dates with dog walker, thats done. I do not recall being told to have relationships with other men...???
What I see, is a guy who truly loves what he had & wants the opportunity to decide for "himself" that he wants it (this was true, even within our R). I just don't know how to back off far enough to allow this to happen.
I don't really require the "dates" either... I just want time spent. Off work. Together. "dating" is not his style, as he doesn't have the time or energy for full dating.<<< admitted truth from him.
The way I see it is that I have 2 options:
1) slow the F way way down & accept his game play/rules without expectations. He admits he is afraid to give me an inch cuz I do run the mile with it. ...TOTALLY GUILTY OF THIS !!
2) Kick his arse to the curb. In a mature way that states: until you figure out what you want, I cannot partake.
I sit on the fence wondering is there a way to do both??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I do #1... I cannot be angry/resentful (and I am) because that fuels his fear of taking a mile when offered an inch. I need to show that his effort yesterday was OK, but there is no pressure & I am fine. We can just have "fun" (without sex) & see how it goes.
If I do #2... I need to be consistent & stick to my boundaries. If I keep accepting "less" than what I want, he will continue to test & lower the bar. Therefore I need to not accept it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend told me that sex from a man is a form of communication and a way to connect (I believe this is very true from my Xbf). This is his way of communicating "more" to me... without expectations.
I know he wants to be in a successful fun exclusive & committed relationship again...with me. He says this... he doesn't need to. I need to believe it will sort itself out & not fear my actions or lack of actions will affect the outcome.
Dropping the rope.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, Just want to say you are younger than I am and probably have different views about F-buddy type R's and such but let me give you some thoughts about how most men I know think about sex and R's. He has been with you for a very long time and feels comfortable having you as a partner. He see's that he won't be hurting you or leading you on as he has made it clear that he only wants a sex based R even after all the years you have been together and you can't get the wrong idea. He will be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and have sex when HE wants it even saying it's more about HIM and HIS needs "right now" than yours. Maybe later when he feels "better" it will be about more than HIM just getting off.
Please! You are not a toy to be played with whenever HE wants! The others are right about his telling you he kissed his dog walker and he will use the RE agent that "wants" him. Guy talk for "I'm interested in them but I will have to work to get them. You, all I need do is say "I want you now" and you will take whatever I want to give! No work, no guilt that I'm "using" another person...what a set up.
Let me tell you a story that is totally true. I was engaged a very long time ago to my HS sweetheart. She ended up leaving me for a guy she was working with and I was heart broken. We were together 7 years! This guy was nothing special. He was just what she decided she wanted and that was that. I pursued her for a while but decided to stop and accept that things were over. Remember, she started "dating" this guy BEFORE breaking up with me. A few months after I stopped pursuing her she called me and asked to meet. I thought that maybe she wanted to tell me she was getting married (an old friend told me was)in person or something like that so I said sure.
Well we met and had dinner and what she said to me was something I will never forget. She told me that she liked this new guy and was going to get married. The problem was the sex they had was bad! First she asked me "But that's not the most important thing, right?" I told her I couldn't tell her, that was up to her. Then she asked if I wanted to have a sex based R with her! Just sex, nothing else and she would just stay with him and get married.
I had loved her for a long time. Had great sex together (we were young and really learned together)and all I could think was I could never settle for that! Not fair to me, to her soon to be H, even to her! Did I want to be an object for her to play with whenever she wanted? No way. I turned her down and never saw her again. I hear she is D now.
MM, you have value as more than an object. He will never want you again until he really thinks he can't have you! If my ex had asked for more than sex, was willing to leave the other guy I might have said yes, worth a try. But not only sex, not enough. Tell him he can't have the milk unless he buys the cow! Tell him that if wants sex with you so much he will need to prove to YOU that HE is worthy of YOU.
Even my soon to be exW has said many times if you want a woman to be interested, stop being interested in her! Suddenly that guy starts being much more interesting since she knows she has to work for his attention. Works the same with guys. People don't value what they know they can have whenever they want. They value that which they must work for. Make him work! I'm willing to bet the day he really thinks he CAN'T have you when he wants you he will want you so much more. For 20 years you have been available to him on HIS terms. Time to change the dynamic and make yourself available only on YOUR terms!
Believe me I know it hurts now to lose what you thought was a life long partner. That all you want to do is find the right words or actions to make then see how big a mistake they are making...can't they see how perfect you are together, all the history, the good and bad times you went through? Right now the answer is NO, they can't. Really stinks, I know but it's reality. Will they ever be able to see what you KNOW to be true? Maybe, maybe not. But for that to happen YOU must change the sitch. Right now he doesn't see anything but a distorted view of the past. Make up your mind to really, really drop the rope until he knows he will lose you unless he makes changes. Until he feels that he CAN lose you, he will never value you! Stupid, yes. Counter intuitive? Yes. But oh so very true!
These threads are like one of those viral videos of a car crash or something...
I wanna look away, yet I feel compelled to witness the outcome....
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
I don't really require the "dates" either... I just want time spent. Off work. Together. "dating" is not his style, as he doesn't have the time or energy for full dating.<<< admitted truth from him.
Do you really want to commit to someone who doesn't have the time or energy, to date you ???
I guess that, as a little girl, you dreamed of being the Princess, and having Prince Charming come to the window below your Castle window, and blow the horn for you to come out, because he was in a hurry....
Sounds wonderfully...superficial
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
The way I see it is that I have 2 options:
1) slow the F way way down & accept his game play/rules without expectations. He admits he is afraid to give me an inch cuz I do run the mile with it. ...TOTALLY GUILTY OF THIS !!
2) Kick his arse to the curb. In a mature way that states: until you figure out what you want, I cannot partake.
I sit on the fence wondering is there a way to do both??
Yes, there IS a way....
And you are doing that now..
One is your words, and the other is your actions....
Oh...and you left out the part where you come here, and bitch about how he won't commit to you fully, and change, so that you can have your superficial Princess life....
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
If I do #1... I cannot be angry/resentful (and I am) because that fuels his fear of taking a mile when offered an inch. I need to show that his effort yesterday was OK, but there is no pressure & I am fine. We can just have "fun" (without sex) & see how it goes.
If I do #2... I need to be consistent & stick to my boundaries. If I keep accepting "less" than what I want, he will continue to test & lower the bar. Therefore I need to not accept it!
#1 and #2...
They BOTH sound like #2 to me....
Originally Posted By: makingmagic
My friend told me that sex from a man is a form of communication and a way to connect (I believe this is very true from my Xbf). This is his way of communicating "more" to me... without expectations.
Maybe you should take it upon yourself to research the difference between the way a Man and Woman attach through emotional and physical needs....
Originally Posted By: MM
I know he wants to be in a successful fun exclusive & committed relationship again...with me. He says this... he doesn't need to. I need to believe it will sort itself out & not fear my actions or lack of actions will affect the outcome.
Sooo, just because he says this, I guess it is okay to believe everything that he says....
Cause he has been soo freakin honest in the past....
MM, making love is a form of communication. Having sex is F-ing. It can mean every thing to a man but it can also mean nothing besides a temporary replacement for his hand.
MM your SO does NOT want to be in a "successful fun exclusive & committed relationship again...with me." If he wanted to have fun with you, he would take you out on dates. He would be happy for you two to be seen in public together. He would have the right answer for people who question if you are back together -- YES.
I had such high hopes that ericmsant2's post had sunk in when you said that you had realized that he did only want a F-buddy and finally told him NO. You wrote: "After I left, I went straight to a friends house & realized:
NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!"
Remember that. Remind yourself of that, your own words, seventy times a day if you need to. You cannot do both options #1 and 2. I vote for #2. Kick his sorry ass to the curb. Drop the rope. Drop it. Let go of his F-ing pants leg.
I will leave you with a quote from the awesome ericmsant2:
"You ask how can I leave him. The answer is simple - Tell him to Go F*ck off. Tell him that you will not be his personal f-buddy. And even if he has a pecker the size of king kong and can use it better than any porn star....I still say .....Hey XBF - Go F yourself."
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
