Validation: Cheat Sheet

[25yearsmlc]

Love this Wonka. Will add a few at the bottom, along with my DB coach's advice on what else NOT to say...

Here are some validating statements
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"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."

"You may be right." For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was detrimental to the kids)?"

For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)."

"I hadn't thought of it that way"
"I can see how it would feel that way"
"I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through"
"I am gonna have to think about that a little more"
"Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that"
"I can see you're really serious about this"
"I see this is important to you"
"I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this"
"I understand why you might feel that way"
"Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough."
"Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that"
"I am sorry that you feel that way"
"I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"

Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!

"Wow, that's a lot to deal with"
"That sounds discouraging"
"That sounds like it would really hurt"
"It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx"
"It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you"
"I can see that you are really upset"
"Would you like to talk about it"
"That really bothered you, didn't it?"
"How did you feel when xxxxxx?"
"What bothers you the most about it"
"What would help you feel better"
"I can see you are really uncomfortable about this"
"I can understand why you would be upset"
"So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"

If H/W talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.

WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday.
You: Oh? How is he doing?

WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend.
You: Did you have a good time?

WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend.
You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.

If H/W asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.

WAS: How was your weekend?
You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.

WAS: Where were you last night?
You: I was at the gym.

WAS: What are you doing tonight?
You: Probably going out to dinner.

Validate his/her feelings, let his/her know you agree with him/her when that is true, but avoid criticism when you don't agree. you don't have to pretend to agree if you think he/she's wrong, but you can say it in a diplomatic way, like "I think differently, but I understand your reasons for feeling that way." (and then don't continue to argue about it.)

Per my DB coach:
Questions such as "Why would you do/say X"? Are designed to make the recipient defensive.

Not saying we do this on purpose, b/c I never saw it that way. But I CAN see how the recipient would at least subconsciously feel attacked.

and I KNOW I wasted a year of my life asking my h that very question. I never got a "good" answer. So, lose the whole "WHY??" b/c it's such a waste of time.

Also, asking "HOW CAN YOU DO/SAY X??" is also to be avoided.


So, no "why's and How's" if it's about a choice they made/are making.

They don't help US. Also, there are times in these ordeals that a WAS/MLCer will say something that revises the marital history AND OR

reveals how THEY viewed an event. It's not the same thing. Sometimes the same event really is experienced very differently.

EXAMPLE: I've been in the car with h/family on a long trip. One afternoon of it we drove up into the Pacific NW. I was the passenger, he drove.

For h the trip was stressful driving,worrying about some fires, and the traffic was heavy at times.

The kids were either sleeping or discussing their musical tastes, which is not of great interest to H or me.

FOR ME, the scenery was breath taking. I read aloud to h, which he requested I do.
But we had really different feelings when the drive was over.

Same drive, different experience.


Sometimes the WAS/MLC will say something that reveals to us how different their experience was AND OR that we played a role in hurting them even if we were not the only cause.

A good response to first learning this, is "Wow, I'm so sorry I hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." It CAN be okay to add in, that you did not know. But that can lead you to places you don't want...

IF they say something you really disagree with (or cannot recall at all), you can say essentially the same thing as above

But insert first: "Wow, that's not how I recall it all , but I"m sorry IT hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Both responses accept that YOU would make some changes, (so the marriage would be better/different than the one they are leaving....)

Neither response escalates the discussion and both validate the spouses perception. And you don't feel insane or like a doormat for agreeing with something you do Not agree with.

And finally, just b/c you don't recall something they claim you said, or did, does not mean your memory is better than theirs or that they are lying.

Good list Wonka!