choosing door #2 - next part in my journey

[TL72*]

cczamo - thanks for posting. Yes it is definitely in God's hands.
I did procrastinate on the refi, I just applied last night and it is moving forward. I had to talk myself into it, rates are going to go up and I made myself a list in my journal that said "what are you afraid of?" because I felt fear in relation to the refi. I listed what was in my head swirling around about it and thought that's just silly. You HAVE to do this. It isn't going to kill you, not going to land you in jail, either they approve or deny, life goes on then you go to plan B. Nothing to be afraid of there! So I did it. I felt a huge sense of relief. I will have a lot of paperwork and crap to deal with but you know in the end it will all be worth it because it will be MY house, I owe him nothing for it and it's an investment for me. It made me feel proud that I could do this without him. Eff him. hahah yes I still have spurts of anger about this. Still saying the mantra, it does help me with forgiveness and I'm so glad it has helped you too. For your insecurities, make a list of good traits about yourself, read them - believe them. read them over and over every day. Helps to boost your self confidence, remember this isn't about you as far as why he left - you ARE worth it. It's ok to cry, in fact you should always find time to cry and not hold in that grief, that's how you work through it, go for a walk, listen to loud music, exercise, yell, do what works for you just don't' hold it in. As far as the house bothering me, you know it did while he was still living in it before the move out, once he moved out....and i wiped it of most things HIM - now I love it, it is my sanctuary. I moved furniture around, there is not a single picture of him in existence in my house, all the wedding stuff gone, I only have a couple things that remind me of him - the wall clock was his mothers but it's nice so I went ahead and kept it although I may replace it and give it back, there's some garage stuff that he left but i don't spend a lot of time in there and it's useful but eventually i'll clear that out too. I fell into a new routine with my dogs and just feel good when I'm at home, safe. He too took almost nothing and got a new apt and all new furniture etc so good for him. I want to paint but finances are tight when you're paying the mortgage and all the bills and taking care of 5 pets when you used to have a 2 person income for all that. It is what it is! Really trying to not be a "victim" in all this and just get on with living my own life. I know what you mean about them talking to you about THEIR stuff, mine was doing that, he didn't this last Sunday, usually he talks about work and never asks me a thing about anything, completely self centered and I just listen and nod my head and I don't bring up anything. This time he asked me if I was wearing new jeans. I answered yes and that was the extent of it lol. He doesn't compliment but notices things. On your divorce question - NO I absolutely did not send a card or a letter. I wrote a good bye letter for ME in my journal that was to him. Not for him to ever read it was just a way to get out the emotions. Goodbye to snoring, goodbye to mood swings and road rage, good bye to my broken dreams, it went on and on and it did help me heal some. I think that is a personal decision, but I would not do it myself. I thought of it as pursuing. the only time I contact him first is if there was something urgent or D related, and I did email him a Happy Birthday email, and it only said just that, Happy Birthday! Now I don't contact him at all and let him contact me if he needs something. Do you have to go to your D hearing on July 8th? I did not have to go, it was like any other day to me. I went out with friends for a drink and listened to music and felt ok about things. Try and keep yourself in a positive frame of mind. I start counting my blessings when I feel a pity party coming on. I have so much to be thankful for and now that I met someone fun that treats me so well, I feel like wow, God does have a plan for me, and it does not consist of me dwelling on the past. I learned so much from the marriage, just taking the positive stuff with me and learning not to repeat past mistakes. We all hopefully get up that mountain in our own time,at our own pace, we all deal with things in a different way so you'll get there, then there will be a new mountain to climb hugs to you, take care