Has she stuck with any plan yet? This decision will be no different.
Originally Posted By: recng
She's probably just trying to be "nice" and bracing me beforehand before she tells me she's going to continue on with OM. When she tells me, my plan is to show no emotion and just say ok.
Expect nothing. Even if she says she wants to R, it seems like that'll change in about a week.
Sorry, Rec, it seems like you are on the double roller coaster ride with WAW + pregnancy. I really feel for you and hope for the best.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
So the talk started of course as W saying really feels that the baby should be in OM's life and her life as well. I asked W if she was going to continue to be with OM and she said probably. She basically admitted she's too scared to be alone and she's needs somebody. She said since I don't want to be with her in that situation she has to.
I asked W what she really wants at this point. She first said she wishes this never happened. I asked her what about from this point going forward and she said she's never really thought about it. She did say ideally it would be with me.
She has been in contact with OM while she's been there, but she said it's been good to be gone to clear her head.
There was also a lot of blame put my way. She was crying about how I let her go. I shouldn't have let her move out. I should have looked into whether she was having an affair. I should have moved with her three weeks ago when they were broke up. She even said that if we slept together during that period it would have been over between OM and her!!! This is obvious rationalization and blame shifting right?
I tried to stand up for myself, accept responsibility for my faults, and not to defend myself constantly to her. I've told her I can't go back in time and fix things, I can only go forward.
She also mentioned how she hates how a bunch of her family and friends are going to abandon her if she continues with OM. And W said it's not fair the same won't happen to me. I told W that's their decision, not mine. I also told W that I could easily finalize the divorce, give up one her, find somebody else, and nobody would blame me and everybody would be happy for me. But I haven't given up on her. I asked why does she think that is? She responded it's because I lover her.
By the end of the conversation she relented that she is still confused about everything and needs more time to think it over.
Here's my thinking: she is basically swayed by whoever talks to her last. If OM talks to her she wants to do what he wants. If I talk to her she is more open to me.
I think she wants me to pursue her. I didn't do it very well when we first started dating. I didn't do it enough when we were married. I feel like she's just waiting on me to make a move.
I'm considering flying out there for 24 hours to be with her. Somebody talk me out of this... Her mom and sister have been praying non stop about this the past few days. I don't know. I just feel like I should go.
"This is obvious rationalization and blame shifting right?"
Yes. She can't take responsibility for her own f*ck ups. I mean you didn't force her to have sex with the other guy. And she didn't just fall on his d*ck on accident and get pregnant. That was all her choice as an adult.
"I think she wants me to pursue her. I didn't do it very well when we first started dating. I didn't do it enough when we were married. I feel like she's just waiting on me to make a move."
Personally I wouldn't.
"I'm considering flying out there for 24 hours to be with her. Somebody talk me out of this... Her mom and sister have been praying non stop about this the past few days. I don't know. I just feel like I should go."
I wouldn't. But if you do, only do it with certain conditions in mind. Or you could think of it this way. She wants to go with the OM, then let him have her. She's going to be a joy to be around in her state of mind. Let her be his problem.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wow.... All I can say is wow. I have read your story from start to finish. I thought my life and M was in a bad spot. You are truly a good guy with a big heart. You are the definition of a guy who believes in marriage. I hate what you are going through, but I admire you for where you are mentally and emotionally given your circumstances. Keep doing what your heart tells you man. Personally, I would have hit my breaking point (or so I say without having walked in your shoes) a while ago and walked. Your W is definitely manipulating you, which I am sure you see. Your heart wants what we all want, which is our family back. I hope your prayers lead you to a solution which gives you joy in your future.
Best of luck to you...I will be following your story.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Ok, I came to my senses. Not going out there. It's time to wrap this up. She wants to be with OM. She wants him to raise the kid. It's a done deal. Nothing I can do about it at this point. Just going to live my life and be happy.
W told me she wants to come back this weekend and wants me to pay for the airplane ticket. I just laughed and told her no.
My big decision is whether I just accept the kids pretty much full time with her getting them every other weekend or if I try to fight in court to get full custody and she only gets visitation..... I'll probably just go with what she's agreeing to. I don't want a big fight and have this thing drag on. I don't really want my kids around the OM or his drugged out mom, and I can't really trust my W to not bring them around her... but she said she wouldn't.
I'm guessing once W has the baby things are going to go sideways for her. I have a hard time believing they end up together, but you never know. I'm not waiting around though. I'm pretty sure that by the end of the year she will show interest to me again in some way... maybe even several times.
It's been quite the journey. A lot of chance for personal growth. I'm a lot more confident then when I started out. I have a lot better idea of what my role is in a relationship. This isn't going to defeat me, not a chance. I'm sure I'll still have some low points hit me, but I'll handle it.
I'll update from time to time. Who knows, maybe I'll get sucked back into the manipulation again, lol.
I'm really glad you came to your senses. She is very messed up and will probably continue in that state for some time. She has disrespected you about as much as one could, and has tried to use you for her advantage ever since this started.
Don't listen to her when she tries to lay all that pursuit business at your feet. She has constantly let it be known which man she wanted to be with.
You can do much better than her. I hope you will move forward and have a good life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So this morning she emailed me another apology email. This is probably like the 5th one I've gotten from her since I filed the D. It doesn't really phase me when she sends these things and I don't even think to respond.
W said she was sorry for being a bad wife. For treating me horribly the last year and I didn't deserve any of it. She said I'm the most kind and loving person she knows. She doesn't know and wishes she knew why she's giving me up. She said she doesn't think she deserves me and I deserve better than her.
I wouldn't bother even posting that as it has no real meaning, but a few hours before she was going to board her plane she texted me if I was considering flying out there to be with her. I told her I did, but I wasn't going to. She said she had thought the same thing about me flying out there. Then she says she's thinking about not getting on the flight. Lol. You can't make this stuff up.
Anyways after talking about it a little bit, I asked her what she wants and she says she hasn't figured it out. I told W if she flies back and OM picks her up at the airport then her decision is made. I asked her if she wants us to not be over yet. W responded in some ways no.
W also mentioned how she prayed the night before and wanted God to give her a sign to not get on the flight. As she checked into her first flight the plane was oversold and they were giving out vouchers to people to give up their flights.
Even with that she still did get on the flight. I expect that OM will pick her up.
Some times I think I'm in the middle of a chick flick or something. I'm just not sure whether I'm the bad guy or the good guy, lol.
This ^^^^^ doesn't seem to be posted by the confident dude from yesterday. What happened to him? That guy knew what he wanted.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I'm just not sure whether I'm the bad guy or the good guy, lol.
Sure you know, and don't forget it!
I'm sorry, but even when women KNOW the LBH is a good man.....and the OM can't measure up, it doesn't cause attraction for her. She sees you being the better dad and better provider. She sees you as much better security. But she clearly is attracted to that sorry excuse for a man.
One thing that will eat at her is the fact he ran around and had an A with a M woman with children. If that doesn't cause her concern about a future with him, what would? She is headed for a bad life with him. I hope you can see yourself as the survivor in this mess. In my opinion, you are the winner and she just chose a looser.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This ^^^^^ doesn't seem to be posted by the confident dude from yesterday. What happened to him? That guy knew what he wanted.
Don't worry Nettles, I feel just fine. I actually just find what she does kind of entertaining. I'm still living life. Finally got back on my normal diet. I was in very good shape last summer and this happened and I was stress eating the past few months. Anyways I've started nipping that back down. My weekend is pretty much full, and the following weekend, and the following weekend. And I've got stuff during the week as well. Believe me I'm good.
I will always care for W. No matter what she did. And you know what. I don't expect anything in return. It doesn't mean I'm going to bend over backward for her or cater to her in any way. I'll stand up for myself. I'll find somebody better. I'll be just fine. And I'll enjoy watching the train wreck of her life when the baby comes in a few months. Her family's not going to help. OM's family is a wreck. I don't know how they're going to do it. But guess what I don't have to care.
My pastor told me today that at some point down the road when she's lost everything she's going to need a friend and that may have to be me. And while right now I don't intend to ever be friends with her.... I can't predict the future.
