Hi everyone, My Internet was down all afternoon and night until this morning. Haven't seen all the posts let alone have a chance to respond. Actually cat, I agree with your motivations as to why my W is doing what she is. That along with the fact that she hasn't been happy, really truly happy for a long time. The thing is she has never been happy for long her entire life. It's a mearickle she was for as long as she was until she became depressed. I have seen her get angry at her closest friends and just stop communicating with them until they just drop out of her life. She has trust issues that are huge and have been part of what is happening now. She is angry at her mother for how she handled her life and sees her mom as a failure because she never was able to move on with her life after her father hurt her so badly.
A big part of her motivation for leaving has been the desire to prove to herself and the world that she can be independent. That she has the skills and ability to take care of herself as this is important to her. To her happiness comes from outside yourself as she has been unhappy and can't understand why I can't make her feel happy. She is a follower and most of her new friends aren't married and have trouble with men in general. They blame the men in their lives for all the bad and see being independent as important. What my W fails to see is that she is putting so much of her meaning in life in her job and friends and that can and will come back to hurt her in the end.
I really don't hate her or not have compassion for her pain. It's just that she seems so caught up in proving to the world that she is her own person, that she can take care of herself she stopped taking care of her marriage and kids. Of course it's fun to hang out with friends. It's nice to get away from the grind of kids and day to day. So when she goes away for work she enjoys being on her own. She comes home and she has to deal with teenagers and be in the place she was stuck depressed for so long.
If she would have gone to MC with me maybe we could have found a way to make things better. But her father refused to try when her parents divorced and it didn't work for them so she sees it as a waste of time and money. If moving was so important to her I would have moved and done what she is now but she assumed that I wouldn't do that. She assumes much about me, how I feel, what I want and doesn't talk and won't believe she is wrong about it even if she is.
I too wouldn't be standing if not for the kids. Of course I doubt we would be here if we didn't have them. She was so not wanting the kind of childhood she had for them she went extremely over-board in making them the most important thing in her life. This kicked her in the butt when they got older and pushed her away.
She has told me many times that she sees her father as the "winner" and her mother as the loser in life after D. Her dad sails around the world. Does whatever he wants while her mom made her kids the important thing and never remarried or even had another relationship with a man. My W doesn't want this to happen to her. She is proud of the fact that she has always been the one to break off her past relationships saying "I was always the winner". I know she thinks I was as unhappy as she was. She still thinks I'll be happier with her out of my life. It just doesn't occur to her that she has the power to decide to be happy or not. Add to this mix that her father has cancer, won't accept her married and is wanting to make up for all his past bad behavior and sees "helping" her do what he did (abandon her M and family) as a way to do that and it's no wonder things have become so bad.
I accept this is happening. I have no choice. I see so much fog and unknowns ahead just when I really badly needed someone to help me get restarted in my life when the company I worked for closed. I was scared and worried and more unsure than I had been in many, many years. I feel so betrayed by my W for doing what she is. That when she needed me I was there for her but now she refuses to do the same for me and that is so very painful. I'm very, very hurt by her refusal to try. By her putting so many other things and people ahead of our M and me. I have tried so hard to be the best H and father I could. I did everything I knew how to be that person. I didn't always succeed but I always had my heart in the "right" place. I failed. I failed by trying too hard at times and doing the wrong things for the right reasons. I failed because I believed in love and the power it has to heal past hurts. I failed because I really believed that loyalty and devotion and understanding and putting the other person first was the answer. Now I see that is wrong. Now I see I should have been more concerned with what I wanted. I should have demanded not asked or compromised. I refuse to let this happen again. I will no longer put anyone's needs ahead of my own. I just can't take another major set back another betrayal by someone I trusted. I never wanted anything but a family. I never needed "stuff" to make me happy I just wanted to have that one special person to raise kids with and than have grand kids to enjoy together. I wanted to someday be able to look back at what we accomplished together and enjoy the fruits of our hard work. Not fight over who gets who on this holiday and have to deal with the pain this is going to cause. To spend my next several years alone and wondering if I will ever find someone and if I can ever trust them if I do.
I didn't do anything to justify what my W has done and continues to do. I have never heard anyone who got a D say they just stopped being happy. There is always a reason. What reason can I point to and at least feel that there wasn't any hope. Nothing could have saved this?
