of course you should be seeing an IC. You're very stressed and very angry. Although those emotions are unsurprising, they're also not healthy to have around for long periods of time.
From your description, there have been years of weird behaviors and stressors and depression in your w, and I cannot imagine it not affecting YOU. (Which begs the question, "Why are you 'so shocked' by all this?")
She's not acting out of the blue, in her eyes.
What she believes is that she has been unhappy for a long time. And you'd agree with that, I think. I am not a shrink but I can guess at her motivations...
So the open wound in her heart, (her dad's rejection of her) seemed like a causal factor in the depression (like you said.) Then lo & behold, he shows up to fix it all!! Her reaction and desire to "get it right THIS time", does not surprise me. It's her attempt at healing and getting closure. But Matt, I'm just GUESSING...and YOU MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SHE IS DOING WHAT SHE IS DOING...
Yet you still must accept it. THAT can be hard to wrap your brain around but it's reality.
Part of GAL is taking care of yourself. You really cannot GAL or detach if you are unwell yourself.
We've all been there and done that.
My h had been put thru A LOT of stressful schooling i.e., veterinary school and THEN medical school AND then residency and THEN a crazy fellowship he did not need... and THEN he HAD to live in Alaska...again! Not what a rational person does, imo.
Who do you think raised our kids? ME. I worked full time after putting myself thru law school and college. And I did all the child care activities too, and in all those years of work and raising kids, and kids getting sick, I cannot say for sure that he ever took a day off work to stay at home with the kids (not counting their hospital stays and surgeries).
So, We really do "get it". It's not fair. It's not understandable to US.
So Maybe Al Anon meetings will help you let go - b/c you are still trying to control things more than you realize.
Letting go of what we cannot control anyhow, is really hard but SO freeing.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 06/11/1407:26 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 said it well, Matt. The others have reinforced it. You will remain "stuck" unless and until you accept that what is, is.
An IC can be incredibly helpful if you find a good one.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi everyone, My Internet was down all afternoon and night until this morning. Haven't seen all the posts let alone have a chance to respond. Actually cat, I agree with your motivations as to why my W is doing what she is. That along with the fact that she hasn't been happy, really truly happy for a long time. The thing is she has never been happy for long her entire life. It's a mearickle she was for as long as she was until she became depressed. I have seen her get angry at her closest friends and just stop communicating with them until they just drop out of her life. She has trust issues that are huge and have been part of what is happening now. She is angry at her mother for how she handled her life and sees her mom as a failure because she never was able to move on with her life after her father hurt her so badly.
A big part of her motivation for leaving has been the desire to prove to herself and the world that she can be independent. That she has the skills and ability to take care of herself as this is important to her. To her happiness comes from outside yourself as she has been unhappy and can't understand why I can't make her feel happy. She is a follower and most of her new friends aren't married and have trouble with men in general. They blame the men in their lives for all the bad and see being independent as important. What my W fails to see is that she is putting so much of her meaning in life in her job and friends and that can and will come back to hurt her in the end.
I really don't hate her or not have compassion for her pain. It's just that she seems so caught up in proving to the world that she is her own person, that she can take care of herself she stopped taking care of her marriage and kids. Of course it's fun to hang out with friends. It's nice to get away from the grind of kids and day to day. So when she goes away for work she enjoys being on her own. She comes home and she has to deal with teenagers and be in the place she was stuck depressed for so long.
If she would have gone to MC with me maybe we could have found a way to make things better. But her father refused to try when her parents divorced and it didn't work for them so she sees it as a waste of time and money. If moving was so important to her I would have moved and done what she is now but she assumed that I wouldn't do that. She assumes much about me, how I feel, what I want and doesn't talk and won't believe she is wrong about it even if she is.
I too wouldn't be standing if not for the kids. Of course I doubt we would be here if we didn't have them. She was so not wanting the kind of childhood she had for them she went extremely over-board in making them the most important thing in her life. This kicked her in the butt when they got older and pushed her away.
She has told me many times that she sees her father as the "winner" and her mother as the loser in life after D. Her dad sails around the world. Does whatever he wants while her mom made her kids the important thing and never remarried or even had another relationship with a man. My W doesn't want this to happen to her. She is proud of the fact that she has always been the one to break off her past relationships saying "I was always the winner". I know she thinks I was as unhappy as she was. She still thinks I'll be happier with her out of my life. It just doesn't occur to her that she has the power to decide to be happy or not. Add to this mix that her father has cancer, won't accept her married and is wanting to make up for all his past bad behavior and sees "helping" her do what he did (abandon her M and family) as a way to do that and it's no wonder things have become so bad.
I accept this is happening. I have no choice. I see so much fog and unknowns ahead just when I really badly needed someone to help me get restarted in my life when the company I worked for closed. I was scared and worried and more unsure than I had been in many, many years. I feel so betrayed by my W for doing what she is. That when she needed me I was there for her but now she refuses to do the same for me and that is so very painful. I'm very, very hurt by her refusal to try. By her putting so many other things and people ahead of our M and me. I have tried so hard to be the best H and father I could. I did everything I knew how to be that person. I didn't always succeed but I always had my heart in the "right" place. I failed. I failed by trying too hard at times and doing the wrong things for the right reasons. I failed because I believed in love and the power it has to heal past hurts. I failed because I really believed that loyalty and devotion and understanding and putting the other person first was the answer. Now I see that is wrong. Now I see I should have been more concerned with what I wanted. I should have demanded not asked or compromised. I refuse to let this happen again. I will no longer put anyone's needs ahead of my own. I just can't take another major set back another betrayal by someone I trusted. I never wanted anything but a family. I never needed "stuff" to make me happy I just wanted to have that one special person to raise kids with and than have grand kids to enjoy together. I wanted to someday be able to look back at what we accomplished together and enjoy the fruits of our hard work. Not fight over who gets who on this holiday and have to deal with the pain this is going to cause. To spend my next several years alone and wondering if I will ever find someone and if I can ever trust them if I do.
I didn't do anything to justify what my W has done and continues to do. I have never heard anyone who got a D say they just stopped being happy. There is always a reason. What reason can I point to and at least feel that there wasn't any hope. Nothing could have saved this?
Hi Mach, I think she thinks she is. I still don't think what she is doing is rational or reasonable but I can see that others could feel that way. She has become so much more focused and is now done being nice to me. Before she knew she could find a place, move in, etc. She was at least nice. Not anymore. Of course she was only that way in front of the kids. Just this morning she inferred that I would steal money from her in the future if she didn't wipe all her account numbers from our computer! I have never given her any reason to think I would do something like that! Something one of her D friends or her father told her to do. By the time she leaves I'll be capable of being an axe murderer in her mind. Never mind the 20 years of me being a stand up husband!
Hi Mach, I think she thinks she is. I still don't think what she is doing is rational or reasonable but I can see that others could feel that way. She has become so much more focused and is now done being nice to me. Before she knew she could find a place, move in, etc. She was at least nice. Not anymore. Of course she was only that way in front of the kids. Just this morning she inferred that I would steal money from her in the future if she didn't wipe all her account numbers from our computer! I have never given her any reason to think I would do something like that! Something one of her D friends or her father told her to do. By the time she leaves I'll be capable of being an axe murderer in her mind. Never mind the 20 years of me being a stand up husband!
So what would you suggest, that the success rate of having a rational , reasonable conversation, with an irrational, unreasonable person is ???
You are so right Mach! I would say the odds are quite low (less than zero?). Very good point. I got a text from her that she wants me to sign paperwork so she can refinance the car she uses most. The trouble is she can't do this according to her own D petition! She can't call it separate property as it's in both our names and was paid for from joint funds (mostly what I made). She seems to think that we will just keep the cars that we each use most and couldn't afford to get her own place as long as her payment was so high. Well, I'm fairly certain that in the end I will be fine with her keeping that car, that's not the point. The point is it's part of what we negotiate in the final settlement. If something goes wrong and she gets angry at me before the D is final, what's to stop her from trying to stop me from getting the other car? I'm very willing to bet that she told her L that it was separate property (was on DP that way) not bothering to tell him it didn't match the defin. of SP. She needs to talk to her L but of course she won't do that. She just wants me to smile and sign. I called into my L and will wait until he gets back to me before I tell her what I will do (or not).
On the good side I did some GALing last night and had a lot of fun. Went out with a meetup group and did trivia night at a place near where my W is moving. I asked my D14 if she thought I should go and she was all for it! Great group of people and it was nice getting some female attention as well. (mostly women in group)
The only bad part is that my life is so much about my family I kept almost bringing up my W all night. I had to keep stopping myself and thinking "not my W anymore". Just like last night when I called my W sweetheart by mistake saying goodnight. Need to stop doing that!
By the way what everyone told me would happen is starting. She has been saying things to her side of the family that I am close with, now that she has filed, that put me in a very bad light. Let this be a warning to all the LBS's on here that have MLCers that are being "nice" or not bad mouthing you. It WILL happen as soon as they start getting push back and are asked why would they just leave their S's and families. They can't stand being seen as anything but the victim. As soon as anyone starts to think they are the "bad" one, they will start finding ways to cut you down and make themselves look like the victim!
I once asked someone who was batchit crazy if they knew they were crazy. At the time they were in an insane asylum. The response was...... "I'm not crazy - you are".
At that point the nurse walked in and gave them their blue pills.
I tried to reason with this person. Unfortunately, as they were foaming at the mouth...they start to talk to the blue elephants that I could not see.
I kept trying....
Went back everyday....for about 2 years...Hoping...praying...that maybe they would see it.
At the end of 2 years....
The hospital kept me...
When I asked why the response was....
Your crazy.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
If she would have gone to MC with me maybe we could have found a way to make things better. But her father refused to try when her parents divorced and it didn't work for them so she sees it as a waste of time and money. If moving was so important to her I would have moved and done what she is now but she assumed that I wouldn't do that. She assumes much about me, how I feel, what I want and doesn't talk and won't believe she is wrong about it even if she is.
Matt, while You do the same to her in this regard, (b/c most of your posts are your interpretations of her behaviors, and or what else she has done/said)
the main thing is, your posts are still all about HER. Tell us SOME GAL activity you are doing. Please do not say you have no time for anything but spinning about your wife. It's not true.
You're allowing this to consume your time/head space and energy. There IS a choice for you to make. Unfortunately it seems You're starting to choose being stuck. Is that really what you want to model for your ds? Did you say that is what your wife saw her mother do...right?
And how's the decision about an IC for you going? How about your d's seeing a counselor? Most insurance plans provide for this...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
