What I would like for you to do is to do your own de-briefing here and think back on what aspects you could have improved on.
-What did you learn from this interaction?
I think that I learned that being a pushover and letting the W do what she wants all the time right now is the wrong move. I also learned alot about what she thinks is wrong with the R. First time that she ever admitted any fault.
-Which part(s) that you wish for a do-over?
I dont know about that one yet. Ill have to think about it and get back to you.
-What were the take-aways from W's comments?
I think that I got to feel how much pain she was in and that it seemed to me like she was scared more than anything. Seems like she is putting up a barrier and is very scared of letting me in. I feel very ashamed that my W is scared of me. In fact just typing this is bringing tears to my eyes thinking about it.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Ok Wonka, I think the part that I would do over if I could would be to tell her that she can come "see" me when shes ready to talk about the R. Our face to face convos are much better than on the phone. But I guess if she calls me I can ask her to come over so we can talk about it.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
"I dont want this to come off as mean or anything, but I cant play these games anymore. It seems that we arent getting anywhere with talking because it just turns into a fight. I dont think we should talk anymore until you are ready to work on the M."
Why did you use "play these games" here? I don't see anything in your posts that reads like W is playing games. What games is she playing?
I think what you said above and the ending of your convo may lead to issues. She may think that you are putting it on her. The middle portion of the convo was well done. You'll have to stay with those points and validate when she is ready to talk again.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
I said play these games because she didnt want to do NC at first. Said that she wanted to talk on the phone. So sometimes she tells me that she is going to call and doesnt call or text or anything. i call that a game. It is on her to decide what she wants to do here. She didnt argue the games part of this. I dont know what specific parts you think will cause an issue?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Ben, when I was the WAW, almost everything my H tried to do applied pressure to me. And when I felt pressure, I drew farther away from him. These types of talks causes pressure on her. Many LBH's tell the WAW something b/c they are looking for an reaction. However, it seldom is the reaction they wanted.
In a way, you have placed pressure on yourself by telling her to contact you when she's ready to work on the M. That means you cannot contact her. You can't have another talk with her, thinking it will cause her to want to reconcile sooner.
How successful this discussion has been is yet to be determined by you and how much you keep away from her. You only thought it had been tough before! Now it starts getting down to the pain.
The WAW has to feel freedom. That is a test of your love for her.....to let her be. It doesn't mean giving her a D, it just means leaving her alone without you trying to influence her decision. If she feels you aren't pressing her, and you GAL while improving yourself.....then I believe there's a chance for this M. Again, you don't tell her this. You live it. It's up to her to decide.
So, what are you going to do to help yourself get through those times you are hurting and lonely.....wanting to reach out to her? You'd better have a plan in place b/c you cannot depend upon your emotions to carry you through this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I didnt look at it that way, but I see what youre saying here. I looked at it as a withdrawal from her. I am in pain really badly right now. It also doesnt help that the Wellbutrin that Im on causes me not to get sleep. The one positive that I took out of this was that she finally talked to me about the issues without yelling or getting angry. I know that I cant contact her now. Its going to be very hard on me. In my mind I feel like she is out living it up and Im stuck here dealing with this and it hurts so bad. I dont have a plan really, I have my brother and one good friend to rely on with this. They have both been very understanding and helpful in listening to me through this so far. I will try to keep myself busy at work and hopefully figure a sleep solution so that I dont have to sit and wonder what shes doing. I pray for the strength to make it through this.
What am I supposed to do about the Church thing now that I have done this?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I know exactly how you're feeling. I went one month of NC with my WAW. I couldn't sleep either. Go to your doctor and see if he can prescribe something to help you sleep.
Without sleep, the depression gets worse drastically.
As much as you don't beleive it, I don't think your WAW is out living it up. My WAW started posted all kinds of fun pics on Facebook like she was having a blast (her eyes looked empty though, like she was faking everything). She finally texted me on Monday and told me that "life felt weird". Just goes to show that this isn't easy for the WAW either.
Prepare yourself my friend, this is going to be the hardest part of your journey. Every single time you think you are going to backslide, come post your thoughts here so we can talk you off the ledge and help prevent you making a mistake.
