Cat, Thanks for the First Right of Refusal clause info. VERY helpful. As for 180's and GAL's I've done many. I stopped doing the things that I had been for years. I went from trying to include my W in everything I did with the kids to just doing them although she knew she was always welcome to come along. I stopped even once asking her where she was going or even caring. I gave her NOTHING but space and support only if she asked. I never once lost my temper no matter what crap she wanted to spew my way. (There were a couple times that I did lose my temper but only when it was something huge like the filing after she said she wasn't going to ( 5 days after) and when it concerned my D14 being sent away 1000 miles for more than a month ALONE to live out of state with her father).
I've been going out and doing things with a couple meetup groups and am going again tonight. I spend my time with my kids, never ask my W to spend time with me for any reason. Of course I also let her get away with asking me to "help" her and did way too many things she should have been doing herself. Heck I even stopped trying to defend myself when she started to spew at me about how I did this or that wrong and just agreed I could have done it differently. I stopped getting involved in her arguments with the girls, even when she would say "Tell your D that she needs to _____" and let her work it out herself.
You have to keep in mind, cat, that my W went from not filing, saying we need to go together to find what school in what area would be best before she left, in no hurry at all, to filing (knowing I didn't have money for my own lawyer), renting a house in a certain school district (one SHE thought was good but I doubt that was her biggest concern), refinancing a car she has no right to under the terms of her own D petition, cutting me off from any money AFTER not telling me and losing hundreds of $'s of the money I would now need to live and my using what little money I had to pay her bills and putting herself as primary custodian of our D on the petition, all in less than 10 days!
I have no control and haven't for a long time so that is an issue. Cat picking someone who shares the same values when it comes to things like D isn't "control", it's choosing someone who shares the same values. To me whether or not you think marriage is something you think is disposable on a whim isn't control anymore than someone picking someone who is the same religion.
Far from ignoring comments, I try to answer EVERYONE who posts, long or short and try not to dismiss anything out of hand.
Hard not to live in fear when you never know what is coming next especially when it concerns someone I know is not of sound mind AND they are now wanting to have total control over my D's life but claims she didn't "know" what was in the D petition and by the way, you don't need to get a lawyer. Someone who I really doubt can take care of herself and her D on her own in any way that is healthy considering what she has done over the last couple years. (Stopped cooking meals, working late or going out with her friends almost every night, missing school meetings, not being able to pick up even one of the girls and then telling me I spend too much time at home, when was I supposed to go out when she couldn't be bothered being there for them), losing so much weight she looks like she is dying and constantly saying she feels like she IS dying, can't function without meds for her depression anxiety but says that will all just stop as soon as she moves out because her Dr. said so. Let's not get into the typical MLC stuff like changing history, spending all the money, blaming, etc.
I certainly don't think anyone here is stupid or has no idea what they are talking about but you really seem to think that I do. It's not hard because I'm choosing to make it hard, it's hard because of the speed things are moving and the fact that I didn't have enough prepared in time. That's on me because I should have known not to trust that she would do whatever she said she would and the fact that I haven't had the time I need since I realized just how far she was going so fast.
Listen cat, I do appreciate everyone here, including you. It does seem that you and I have some fundamental differences in our belief systems about everyone having the "right" to make whatever choice they want for whatever reason and no matter who gets hurt or how that goes against what they swore to do or not do it's OK. Believing that D is wrong unless every attempt is made to save the marriage or in abuse situations. There is nothing wrong with this as I respect your opinion and your right to have it and express it. It doesn't make you wrong or me right. I just would never choose to spend my life with someone who believes differently than I do and when the person I did live with for almost 25 years goes from one extreme to the opposite, can't give a coherent reason AND seems hell bent on destroying everything we both worked our butts off for for 20 years, it brings out the negative in me.
Please remember I just had one D crying in my arms 2 days ago and the other, younger one doing the same this morning. I have had a really bad couple weeks, nothing calming about that.
