1wish, I feel very sorry for you and I hope you can find some support to help you work through your personal issues. You are still very young and have plenty of time to grow into a strong person. If you choose to work on yourself your next relationship can be healthy and happy.
I made many similar mistakes as you before I found DR and this forum. But eventually I was able to make the choice to focus on myself.
There is zero chance she will continue in the R if you continue to act this way. ZERO. You are pushing her away. There is a chance she will decide to work on the relationship if you let her be and work on yourself. She is telling you exactly what she wants from you. Do you love her enough to listen? Do you love her enough to try to work on yourself instead of trying to control her?
[/quote] [11/06 15:55] *ME*: Im in a state where if you want to stay with me I will do all I can to make you happy and love you til eternity, if you dont then I wont stop you, but I wont try and keep u no more. Theres no more of me trying all im going to do is change for myself and better myself as a person. And ive been trying to do that which im very proud of myself for. I am not doing anything for you anymore.. im here if you need me.. im here if you want me.. but I wont be here forever unless you choose to be with me.. the choice is yours
Whoa. Stop. You have just pushed yourself off a cliff and are trying to change directions.
She has a hard time hearing the "i'm changing " when you are pleading " i will do all I can to make you happy" and then ending it with an ultimatum "...but the choice is yours". Thats alot of pressure.
Now that you have gotten all that off your chest you have to live by the DB rules or there is no point coming here. Trying not to sound like a broken record but you have heard this from your loyal db fan base
Being needy is the opposite of what a woman wants. You DETACH and exude strength, confidence, show her you have a clear direction without her (like your GALing). Why do you think everyone wants to be Jason Bourne, Braveheart, James Bond? Does the needy whiny guy ever get the girl? It repulses her and the other guys kick these wimps to the back of the room.
Sharpie this on your bathroom mirror...heck all over the place:
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
This is your bible. She knows you love her...and that you are smothering her. It is tough but read some CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)books and find a way to get a grip on your obsessing pining thoughts for her. Now man up. You can do this.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
In addition to re-reading Sandi's rules again, you would want to learn how to use validation skills effectively when speaking with your W and here's the thread link for your perusal.
1Wish, find ye21's thread on here and read through it. He's a great example of someone who first came on here saying he couldn't live without his wife, he did all the wrong things, wanted the quick solution, etc and now has moved on to an exotic location and sounds like he's happier than ever doing things he enjoys.
I don't tell you this to discourage you, but instead to show you that you can make it through this (with or without your W) by focusing on yourself. Take a deep breath, put your phone down (please!) and start working on yourself. Talking your W into staying right now will only lead to a repeat of this same scenario down the line. She has to want to be with you, not feel forced. Actions speak louder than words.
