Continuing my DB'ing journey...

[T384]

Thank you GB.

I'm sorry to hear about your sitch but your children are lucky to have such a strong mother.

I am really struggling. IRL I am pretty great and strong but here and behind closed doors I am really struggling with detaching. I received a call from my lawyer today that his lawyer is stating my H refuses to return my premarital possessions. We have not discussed divorce once since he just said he had talked to a lawyer and was seeing his options. It's like a big elephant in the room that he doesn't ever mention anything

I am trying to better myself and not let him bring me down but I can't help but feel tremendous guilt. I feel guilt that I did things in my marriage that made him unhappy enough to leave and engage in another relationship. I feel guilty that my boys are hurting especially my older son because he wants his family together

On to another day

[Georgiabelle]

It's normal to feel a range of emotions including anger and guilt. Of course it is painful to watch your children suffer. I know that is heartbreaking. However, they we watching you and it sounds like you are reminding them how loved and wonderful they are.

I know it's difficult when you start to think about things. If only , should have, could have etc. The reality is that you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. No one wants this to happen, but it did. And your life can be better.

What possessions won't your h return ? Did he take them when he moved out or did he get them on a visit?

[Thornton]

Hi TO,

I understand the guilt, I go through that myself.

However, ALOT of the time, the WAH has issues within himself that he can't figure out. He could be dating Cindy Crawford and still have these issues. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you.


Don't beat yourself up. More than likely it's mostly about the unresolved issues he is dealing with internally.

[woundedfool]

I am really struggling. IRL I am pretty great and strong but here and behind closed doors I am really struggling with detaching.

It may sound elementary (or totally OCD/Crazy). But I found when I had trouble detaching (my head would start spinning with thoughts of what W was doing with OM, et al).... I would just stop what I was doing, Go somewhere quiet, and just repeat to myself (out loud). "let go".

Like I said... sounds crazy, but it helped.

I received a call from my lawyer today that his lawyer is stating my H refuses to return my premarital possessions.

Your L should be giving you thoughts/options on the likelihood of that stuff getting returned. Do not pick a fight with H.

We have not discussed divorce once since he just said he had talked to a lawyer and was seeing his options. It's like a big elephant in the room that he doesn't ever mention anything

Good, leave that to your L, as I said before: Let her do the "dirty work". No need to ruffle his feathers with D discussion between the two of you. Again, don't pick a fight.

Also, the elephant is only as big and as white as YOU make it out to be. Part of acting "as if" is being able to turn that elephant into a fruit fly.

I am trying to better myself and not let him bring me down but I can't help but feel tremendous guilt. I feel guilt that I did things in my marriage that made him unhappy enough to leave and engage in another relationship.

Yep, so did I. But until Doc Brown actually creates a "flex capacitor"... you can not go back in time and change anything.

All you can do is learn from your history, and to learn from your mistakes.

[T384]

Just got word from my attorney. H attorney states he does not alledge the marriage is broken it is and there will be no reconciliation as far as H and his attorney are concerned. They also state they will not be returning pre marital assets and we will have to schedule a court hearing

How do I DB these kind of situations

I'm having trouble facing and accepting there is no more hope of R

[T384]

Hi TO,

I understand the guilt, I go through that myself.

However, ALOT of the time, the WAH has issues within himself that he can't figure out. He could be dating Cindy Crawford and still have these issues. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you.


Don't beat yourself up. More than likely it's mostly about the unresolved issues he is dealing with internally.

Thank you I guess it's that he has rewrote a lot of history.

Majority of all mutual friends say he will regret this when it's too late. I don't know if he will ever even feel like this is something to regret.

[Thornton]

My Exwife regrets divorcing me to this day. When she left, she had a field day, bought a house, dated, lived it up.

One day after the divorce she called me freaking out. She had found out I started dating again and had let her go. For months she cried and begged. She even told me she considered suicide.

Trust me, the roads these Walk always take isn't always rosy.

[T384]

My Exwife regrets divorcing me to this day. When she left, she had a field day, bought a house, dated, lived it up.

One day after the divorce she called me freaking out. She had found out I started dating again and had let her go. For months she cried and begged. She even told me she considered suicide.

Trust me, the roads these Walk always take isn't always rosy.

Yes living it up is what my H is doing - taking this teenager away for her birthday this weekend, going out on the boat with her and her family, going out all the time, all of which he thinks he is hiding from me. However I have kept quiet and not said a word. It's honestly not worth letting him know I know - he will just continue to lie about it anyway or justify it that it is somehow my fault.

The possessions are 2 vehicles in my name only that he has hidden and will not return.

[woundedfool]

The possessions are 2 vehicles in my name only that he has hidden and will not return.

First, IANAL.

Second, your attorney (or his) may have prepared a temporary restraining order (not a protective order), that would prevent ANY of the parties from transferring assets, if not discuss with her about doing this. Most courts take it very seriously if one of the parties starts having a "fire sale" on any assets to turn them into cash. Since they are in your name only, he cannot sell them or transfer the title. If he does, expect the court to take him to the woodshed on that one. Further, if he vandalizes them... courts frown on that as well. Finally (on a side note), with him so "close" to his bosses family, there will be a point where his pay will be looked at.... courts don't like sudden decreases in income once one party files for divorce (they call it underemployment) and they do know/see that this is to reduce the "look" of their true financial position. Having the "close" relationship with the boss reeks of paying under the table, withholding money owed until after a divorce.... and courts really, really hate that.

Third, Do you actually require the use of the vehicle? If so, let your attorney know you need it. If not, just think of it as a chip you can cash in later during your settlement.

How do I DB these kind of situations

DETACH! Remember, the court system will not be quick. So turn to patience. Hearings/conferences/meetings will be scheduled, rescheduled, moved, postponed, taken under advisement.... so accept you have ABSOLUTELY ZERO control over the flow of this. To take something from your Nursing career, be clinical about it: You see a patient naked... you do not get aroused, you understand (because you spent several years interning/externing/nursing school to learn how to focus on the medical/natural) that there is a wall between your profession and a physical/emotional attachment to the patients personal life.

Act "as if", this should not bother you. Again, this may be elementary, but: Just own the fact: "yep, I am getting divorced... so be it".

Yes living it up is what my H is doing - taking this teenager away for her birthday this weekend, going out on the boat with her and her family, going out all the time, all of which he thinks he is hiding from me.

Sounds fun, maybe a bar? (oops, nope) Dave and Busters (nope, not after 9:00pm) oh wait Seminole Casino? (oops, no to that too) daddy daughter day at Disney? (nope too creepy). Oh I know, freshman orientation at FAU!

[T384]

So wounded do you take cash or credit for phone consultations? Lol