Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2

[SemperFi00]

Why do I have such a hard time letting go her and moving on? What is about me and my values that makes is so hard for me to move forward down a path of D, etc….???

Seriously, have you seen it be easy for anyone here to let go and move on?

For many of us, we see it as a failure and that just can't be! (she said, sarcastically)

Agreed - with the statement and the sarcasm. This is one of the things that sometimes still pops into my head - and I question why do I see it as my failure????

For me, I loved my H, although we didn't like each other very much toward the end, and it took him leaving for me to realize how much I loved him and also how unhappy I was generally. I say I loved him but my emotions were so blunted at the time that I questioned if I could or did love anyone. I didn't feel much and what I did feel was best described as despair. That's how deep I was in the hole.

I can sense some of this in W.

She seems to have built a barrier and will not allow anyone inside of it - friends or me..... And even her sister to a certain degree.

She seems to have mastered the superficial niceness, laugh, engagement thing though.

But as you have mentioned, at this point it is her work to do if she chooses. What I have the most control over is me and being patient and supportive if needed.......

And kudos to you for doing the hard work and even more kudos now for taking the time to pay it forward.

That's why I'm so verbal about honoring emotions (I didn't say acting on them). Once you start blunting one emotion, they all begin to die out.

Even anger - once a person has figured out how to manage it appropriately.....

went inside and found that nothing had been started for dinner and kids were saying they were hungry
- went upstairs to find several loads of laundry on the floor in the bedroom along with windows open while A/C was on

So how important is it, really?
I ask that as someone who would have been royally p!ssed about these kinds of things in my previous life.

Now I would either do the laundry or decide it's not that important right at that moment and not let it get to me.

I'd close the windows.

I'd make a plan 1)Tell the kids it's catch-as-catch-can tonight, or 2)Let's order pizza, or 3) Always have a something frozen that's a slam dunk for nights like that, or 4)Breakfast for dinner.

That's you taking responsibility for things that are bothering you.

Yep, in the grand scheme of things none of them were life altering. Just had piled up so I had to take the all important "Pause" I think you called it in a earlier post.

There was a time many moons ago where I would not have handled it in the same way (read poorly) but now did much of what you indicated above - closed the windows, started dinner, played with the kids for a few minutes and thanked the W for mowing the lawn....

And miraculously, things didn't get any worse and I didn't have to apologize for any of my actions.......

Btw, big fan of breakfast for dinner.....

I share this as maybe an alternative viewpoint 'cause we have no idea where your W really is on this. Food for thought, a wider lens maybe for you.

True dat!!!! And not sure it will ever be a top 10 vacation destination.

(I have a feeling you're going to be thinking, "So what if I don't want to go to work?")

hah - this is fantastic!! Hadn't thought this in quite a awhile but I think a couple of years ago (very early on in my situation) I actually said something like......

"If you want to change how things are working we can certainly discuss that but you can't just opt out. That would be like me...... " (wait for it...... wait for it....) "quitting my job and not discussing it with you or having a plan. That wouldn't be fair to any of us."

Clearly, how wrong was I about the the inability to opt out.....