Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #5

[Matt165]

Found out tonight that my W told our D18 that she was moving. The only reason she gave was "it's unhappy here". Not a word about her and our M. Not a word about the fact that she has filed for D. W asked if she wanted to live with her. My D told her no because she needs to go to school and it would be too far. Apparently my W said she figured that. She added that she doesn't know what to tell her sister and is worried about that.

Again, the reason isn't her marriage or me but that it's "unhappy" here in our home. My D18 is so not understanding how she could file BEFORE evening leaving. To her that just doesn't make any sense nor does she think her mom will be happier. She said she thinks her mom may be "happy" at first because she is in a new place but "reality will set in and she will be back to exactly where she is now" (quote). Even my D18 is upset about what is going to happen to her sister. How her mom could want to do this after 25 years together with me. How she can't understand how her mom let her father get in her head.

I'm proud of how she has behaved with her mom. Not being angry but not liking it one bit. Now on to our youngest and how she will react.

[Matt165]

Now my W spoke with my D14 without me which she promised not to do. She also lied about her school (told her that she never said she didn't want her going to private school) and didn't tell her she is ending our M nor that she will be needing to decide where she will want to live! She needs to be honest with her. Tell her the truth about what she intends to do. Tomorrow I will talk to her myself. I will be honest and not hide the truth from her. If my W had done this the way we agreed before her dad came into town, she would be fine. Now she can't just hide the truth from her D and think that's that. Who the hell is this person?

[mleigh4]

I'm so sorry Matt. I can't imagine how frustrating your W behavior is to deal with. Especially with children involved. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. Keep being the solid rock for your D's. I always believe in honesty. My S is only 7 and I am always honest when he asks questions. I always tell him never give up on what you believe in. I have a strong feeling your W will not find happiness by leaving home. I hope she will wake up and appreciate what she is leaving.

Hang in there

[Matt165]

Hi M and thanks,
Had a dream last night where I was at a party with my W and kids. My W and D disappeared and I couldn't find them anywhere. At one point everyone found out that another couple were divorcing. I asked the H of that couple why he was doing it. All he could say was he wasn't happy and wanted more. I told him what a jerk he was and we fought. I was so angry he could do that to his family. I woke without ever finding my W and D.

My W bribed my D with an iPhone before telling her without speaking to me first. I have told my W our D should have a phone for some time and my W wouldn't allow it! I have heard about parents who do this stuff but I can't believe my W turned out like that. She has lost any good will I would have had towards her and I am taking the gloves off so to speak. My W will be finding out very soon that things can't make you happy. Happiness comes from inside and if she can't be happy now, she never will be. Of course she said while we were watching TV the other day that she was an optimist! I thought the girls were going to lose it! Reality will hit my W and I have a feeling it won't take long. She isn't the person I married. She isn't even someone I like being around anymore.

[willbwell]

Matt, I know how hard this time is. They are going to do what they want to do and we have no control over that. i agree with mleigh above. the best is to be there for your D's and to be honest with them. I am sure it is extremely painful to them. I see that pain in my s20 and it is so hard. My kids know that I am a strong person. They know this sit makes me sad,but they also see me doing stuff for me. I think that is important too.
I have not read all your sit and I am interested to go back and read what 25 wrote.
I am beginning to learn my h is really gone. For my part, I can keep our d amicable for the sake of the kids.our home a pleasant place to be.

[Wonka]

Matt,

I am sorry that it has come to this. Let. Go.

Where are you with the list?

[Matt165]

Thanks willb,
I hope things work out OK for you. Sorry to hear that you think H is long gone. I just don't get how they can do these things and hurt so many.

My W keeps saying that it's our home that's "unhappy". She has wanted to move for some time as have I but we just couldn't afford to with both the kids in private school and now my not making much yet in new job. The thing is she is weird about it. She never wants to have people over and is embarrest by where we live. Look, it's small, older and not the nicest house but it's the only home my kids have ever known. The only thing that makes it "unhappy" is her! Why can't she see that happiness comes from inside herself, not from where she lives or from someone else. We didn't promise to make the other happy in our vows because it's not possible to do that no matter how hard we try.

My world is forever changed in such bad ways now. I don't know how I'm going to make enough money to survive yet, let alone feed my kids and take care of the animals. For my W to do this the way she has is so wrong in so many ways and she keeps piling on like I have so wronged her. She knows I never did anything to hurt her. I never cheated, never lied. Tried to be the best H I could yet doesn't seem to care about anything but her.

Sorry, just a bit upset this morning. Didn't mean to go on a rant!

[willbwell]

but look outside? is it a nice day where you are?
You get to decide how to spend this day....
your wife's antics or unhappiness is her deal.
Give your d's a smile. It is not what we chose or want,but it is where we find ourselves presently. Decide that it will not inhibit you from being the best you can be.
I am (trying) to do the same!

[2BHappy]

Matt

TRY HARD to let it all go! Talk to your D's yourself, be gentle and honest, TRY not to speak negatively about your W.

Just be there for your D's and your W (if she ask you to be)

Are you trying to be the H only a fool would leave?

Be calm, nice and distant.

Even if your W never comes back, finalized the D. YOU will be a better person.

How is the job search coming? Put all your focus on you and getting a job, that will help you not feel so "stuck".

Fake it till you make it!!!

I know its not easy, but you have to get it together NOW!!!

I dont know you of course, but to be honest your posts feel like you are pushing your W away even more. Just pull back , stop worrying so much about what she is doing?

Let your W worrying about her relationship with your D's. They are old enough to see who is each of you really are.

[adinva]

Your anger is coloring events. Sounds like the phone thing really sent you over the edge...but you wanted D to have a phone right? And now she has a phone right? Let go of the anger over the past phone dispute and the present interpretation of phone motivations because that stuff helps no one. It's a phone, put it in the whatever category. It should not be the thing that sends you over the edge, gloves off, no holds barred...detach.

Also. You get to choose. You got a cr*ppy deal, it makes no sense, and you can't fix it. You want to fixate on that and be miserable there's a world of people who will support you in that and rail against the universe with you. Will do no good whatsoever. You can rise above, look for the good, release the bad, and do the best you can NOT to be miserable, and have a good life and be a great model for your kids. It is 100% your choice and has no relation to what your W does or why or how it makes no sense and is wrong. The world doesn't conspire to make YOU happy, it just exists, happy comes from inside you. I would suggest happy not even being the right word, it's joy and peace, in my opinion.

It's my goal and I'm not always moving toward it either, but it's a lot easier to spot in others and that gets me back on track. Best of luck to you, keep doing the next right thing.