And in one sense they are the victim, when they were much younger stuff happened to them.
They ARE victims. I agree. I sometimes think I would be horrified if I was a fly on the wall watching when H was a little guy. His mother is truly horrible.
The thing we NEED to remember for our own sanity...We didn't do the VICTIMIZING.
No matter how imperfect we were in the marriage. We aren't the source of this pain/frustration/anger.
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The thing that stands out for me is how angry my xh is, still is, nine years on, he feels short changed by life. He is so angry and doesn't recognise it at all.
Bea, he's angry with himself. Can you imagine, nine years later, to see you and these great grown kids and know that you were a centimeter away from having it ALL. And, YOU threw it away. You did that. The burden of that reality must be like carrying an elephant 24/7...whether he can see it or not. It's added to his already scarred up soul.
He can't hide from that truth because it IS THE TRUTH. So, he stirs things up. He sounds like a man who wants desperately for a court of law or some jury to finally say, "You were right in your actions. You're aren't a bad guy."
But, sadly, he IS the bad guy...and the victim. He threw his family away. That marks your soul and can't be erased. Maybe not ever without some redemption and deep soul-repair.
He may never have the courage to really look inwards. He let himself down along with everyone else. So sad that he can't acknowledge the things that happened long ago that created these painful chains he carries.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
good insightful stuff here Heather! Life has been busy for me. Chugging along day after day... Fell asleep early last night. My brain is tired. I have all these books I want to read as well as read threads here. My eyes go blurry and all I think about is a nap!
So just want to check in and say hi. Ive got class today. Got a sitter for my D. Turns out S17 would be available but don't want to excel sitter- may need her help in the future.Got all those future logistics to figure out once I get a job. H has never had to deal with that. Doesn't know even how to call someone if he had to. There is that resentment....He's out of town all week. We are supposed to talk( again) next Tuesday after D goes to camp.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Thanks everyone. Very interesting discussion here. I’ve been reading the updates and other threads, but just don’t have much time to post anymore. I will try to catch up with everybody.
AJM, you might be right that my anxiety is caused by my adjusting to the changes in communication from H.
Bea, I’ve read your updates on Heather’s thread. I don’t mind you high jacking my thread at all. Interesting thought about MLCer being stuck. I think I read it in one of Raine’s updates that her H told her he when he started thinking to come back home, but the thoughts of how much pain he inflicted on his family and that Raine would not want him back stopped him.
Heather, I don’t know how much my H has to work through. I always thought that he was luckier than me in his childhood. His family dynamics seemed to be just fine until his parent’s divorce. His mother loved him very much. I know this because I was going through his stuff and saw her notes and letters to him. The divorce was horrible though. This is where the trauma lays. And I think he’s been going through the process of acceptance of his parents' divorce for his entire adult life. He was 12 when his parents divorced, and this is when he made a decision to not have any kinds on his own. But he always seemed to be well adjusted and had reasonable thoughts and behavior.
I, on the other hand, always thought that I was raised in a dysfunctional family, with no love and emotional support. I realized that a lot of my problems came from that. Why I’m not the one going through MLC then?
Short update. H sent an e-mail today telling me to let him know when I update the company file, because he entered some more receipts. And he asked me if I was able to install the new version of QB ok. Why does he bother? A year ago he would not even think about it. Is he bored and looking for any excuse to get in contact with me? Am I reading more into this than it actually is? I haven’t replied to his previous e-mails when he sent me the file and installation instructions. Now he is asking me a question. I guess I need to reply.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
He was 12 when his parents divorced, and this is when he made a decision to not have any kinds on his own. But he always seemed to be well adjusted and had reasonable thoughts and behavior.
I, on the other hand, always thought that I was raised in a dysfunctional family, with no love and emotional support. I realized that a lot of my problems came from that. Why I’m not the one going through MLC then?
Bright - two things stand out here for me.
One is that a decision made when your h was twelve is one he has lived by - that is just strange.
The second is that I know a number of people from dysfunctional families who have realised the dysfunction and dealt with it. MLC is about stuff undealt with, as far as I can see.
OMG - i'm reading here and seeing the last two exchanges of you both-
my h told me when i first met him - about his parent's divorce being the worst thing ever in his life- his decision then not ever to get married - " it didn't mean anthing and was no guarantee" and is , in fact, still lving out that stilted decision as a 12 yur old. it's insane - but llook at your h and him?
i wonder alot lately if it could possibly be as "simple" as damage done sooo far back- eemmotional inability to "grow up" and thr it- and if this stupid mlc junk could truly be aftermath of that sort of "stuff".
what do you guys think- could it be possible. he couldn't fathom or forgive (still hates his mom- tried for a handful of years to "reconcile" - ended up thinking she's selfish and rotten jeprson - hasn't spoken to her in 8 years or so. *(tho, part of me sees that as a "game" he is playing with her - making her "pay" kind of thing.
idk- it struck me as weird. He never saw it coming- the shock of his happy little home disappearing over nite- she want off with handsome, rich new bf and his baby brother- he got left with nazi, catholic, blaming, condeming dad who could not be pleased by anything- if he got an A, dad said he should have gotten an A+
could this really stilllllll be about that? i'm weary- today he's perfectly nice, planning this trip- it makes me want to cry when it's "pleasant' cause i think of all the wsted time and years and my heart - all the pain & despair and unhappiness for years. what a waste. that's all- what a waste (of my time & happiness)
oh well- just a tho0ught &* observation. oh man
what was "done to them??? and what they've "done" to us??? how does it all reconcile?
xxoo hope you bo th have a great day
ps- oh yeah, i thought he was an exceptionally kind, reasonable man too - he sure seemed like one- this "crazy" just appeard and i think/thought he's doing to me exactly what she did to them. who even saw it coming.??
where is the justice? none to be had really- life sure is nuts
ps- oh yeah, i thought he was an exceptionally kind, reasonable man too - he sure seemed like one- this "crazy" just appeard and i think/thought he's doing to me exactly what she did to them. who even saw it coming.??
Add another! My W's father treated her and her brother so horribly and caused her so much pain. Now, he is back in her life post going into MLC and he's now not only changed but can do no wrong! He has been pushing her to leave me and her kids just like he did for years now (since showing back up in her life wanting to make up for all the hurt he caused her)and has succeeded in getting her to file. Next will be his telling her that she doesn't really want the kids in her life either. Wonder what she'll do then?
Seems common that the MLCer ends up doing the very thing they always swore they would never do up until B-day. Whether it's cheat or D or put the kids through the pain they had to go through or give up without trying, different for each one but the same in it's the ONE thing they always said they would NEVER do!
Bea, yes, this is what H told me when I met him and though out our M, that his parents’ divorce influenced his decision to not have kids. He raised my son since he was 8 years old, and I will be forever grateful for that. Was he a perfect Dad? No, but he tried his best. Just the fact that he wanted to marry me knowing that I had an 8 year old kid makes me think that he was serious about our R back then. He doesn’t like kids in general, he has no patience for the kids. But he accepted me with a kid. I guess he wanted me.
And yes, he lived by his decision to not have kids on his own for his entire life. Do I need to mention that he had a vasectomy last year. Well, he kind of “old” for the kids now. I don’t really know what influenced his decision to have a vasectomy. Is he thinking to date the young girls?
Nero, it looks like your H has some big issues to deal with too. My H had a big resentment for his Mom too. She passed away on the second year of our marriage, so I didn’t have a chance to really know her. I think he still carries this resentment. I just don’t understand why he was trying to be so nice to his Dad. My friends in Mexico told me last year (when H opened up to them) that he said that he didn’t understand why his Dad did this horrible things to his Mom. He meant leaving her and not paying her any money or child support. At the same time he told me after the BD that it seemed like he was doing the same thing his Dad did. Meaning leaving his marriage and starting a new “phase” of his life.
So, I guess there is a huge trauma out there.
Matt, thanks for stopping by. I’ve been reading your posts, just don’t have time chime in. I looks like your W is trying to re-live what she lost at her childhood. She is trying to be a little girl for her Dad, doing what he asks her to. And I think you are right when you say that in order to be a little girl for her Dad, she cannot be a Mom and a wife. If you just let it go, eventually she might get tired of it, and hopefully she will remember that she IS a MOM and a Wife, and a grown up woman after all.
Sorry for the rant. I had a few glasses of wine. My sister’s son graduated from high school and I went to the graduation. Then we went to the restaurant to celebrate. Guess who also was there at the graduation… My BIL, H’s brother. He does consider me and my family as his family. H is just missing on all of it…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
One is that a decision made when your h was twelve is one he has lived by - that is just strange.
This is not strange to me. My W told me early on (I met her at 16) that she didn't want kids. She said this because she feared she would treat them the same way her mom treated her kids, (abusively) and she didn't want to do that. On this she has never wavered, and seems to have no regrets even today.
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The second is that I know a number of people from dysfunctional families who have realised the dysfunction and dealt with it. MLC is about stuff undealt with, as far as I can see.
Agreed.
Originally Posted By: BF from Matts thread
He (H) is not mean, he is quite reasonable in a lot of things, he is not blaming me anymore, it looks like he is content with his life. Should I consider him making it through MLC and being on the other side now? Just with the different views… This is where I’m confused.
I sometimes wonder the same thing with my W. But then I look at my (and your) BD, and believe it is too early for them to be on the other side.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 06/18/1404:13 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, thanks for the comments. Yes, H was living by his decision. I think it only got strengthened with years for the simple reasons, because he was also very impatient with kids and kind of selfish.
Thanks for validating my comments on Matt’s thread. Sometimes I wonder if H is in MLC at all. I guess 2 years after BD is not that long in MLC world, but I get discouraged. Not only because it is taking this long, but also because I start thinking that he is never going to come out of this. This explains my reaction to Mirage’s words. It just depresses me. I’m not sitting around waiting for H to come to his senses. I have life, I’m moving forward. I just don’t understand how else I need to let go.
This is the subject that constantly comes to my mind. I think if I completely let go, I will not be on this board anymore. I know how it feels. I don’t give a d@mn about my first X. I just don’t care, it doesn’t hurt anymore, I don’t have any desire to discuss him. If I remember some bad things he did, it doesn’t bring any feelings. Nothing… At all… The only thing I regret is that he was not a good father to my son. But, I don’t blame him for that. I just think that I made the wrong choice by marrying him.
I’m desperately trying to reach the same state of mind now, but it is not quite working yet. Will it ever..?
Small update. Found out that H joined another dating site. This time for people over 50. I guess the bar scene is not producing the desired results. And it looks like he is lonely again. The excitement of rejoining his friends over there after a few months “vacation” is probably wearing out. The drums “parties” are probably getting old too. Interesting that he doesn’t have a picture on his profile or any details filled, besides the required info. I’m tempted to play some tricks there, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
