Some more. I was aware as I was suggesting it, that it is MY way to look for ways to fix, tolerate, forgive, get back to solid ground. It is very disruptive for me to be in conflict with someone and I just want to make it peaceful, and will sacrifice my own comfort or needs or rights to make it so. That's a pattern from childhood, me the peacemaker who feels for everyone else but not herself, because I'm so strong and capable and healthy that I'll carry everyone. I felt that way growing up, and I felt that way as a parent of kids. Not saying it's a good way to be, but it's where I was coming from making that suggestion to S16.
I would have liked him to say, yeah mom I see what you mean, I can get myself some distance and when I feel better I'll make an overture to dad. I'll do the brake pads with him and we'll bond and he'll feel ok, and he'll like me better. I know he'll probably yell at me a lot when we do the brake pads together too, but I can handle it, I'll just be real quiet until he calms down. He'll act like nothing happened and so I will too.
That is what I would have done. And playing it out in my mind, it is not at all what I want S16 to do. I don't know what kind of a relationship he'll carve out with his dad, but I do not feel competent to guide him in creating it. I didn't do it very well myself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
