It's a better day

[adinva]

16 year old boy discusses his father (journaling)

Was trying to figure out how to be in two places at once this weekend as a baby shower I'd like to attend conflicts with getting S16 early to lacrosse tournament in Annapolis. I already had arranged a potential ride with a friend. On the 20 minute ride from practice just now, I brought up the subject with S16. He immediately said "I'm not riding with dad."

I was about to explain that I didn't mean that and I had already lined up--- but I backed up and asked him about that statement instead and got a lot a lot of response.

S16 said H had been texting him like 20 messages in a row and he started reading them to me. It was annoying, then insulting, then almost funny. It was a complete firebomb of texts. It started out asking for S16's GPA for the insurance discount. S16 doesn't know because he's in the middle of finals. H said figure it out. S16 said he didn't have all the info. H said it's not hard do you know what an average is (at this point he's starting to use all caps). H followed this up with several other rapid fire additions such as look at one semester, it doesn't have to be up to the minute, I don't know what-all more but it was absurd. Then H said he'd come out to change the brake pads, S said he knew how to do it and didn't need help, and I won't repeat the whole next argument they got in. All via text message. S told H he would not change the pads or do anything with H because he is an assh*le.

Wow that was more talking than S16 has done in a long time.

I said I was really sorry H was acting like that, and I understood exactly how it felt, having been on the receiving end of that behavior myself.

I said I happened to know, and maybe H didn't explain, that H was probably stressed out trying to fill out the insurance form and needed the number to put in the blank, and was getting more and more stressed because he wasn't getting what he needed at the moment. S16 said well if he would have explained that it would have made it easier to know what he wanted, and plus he didn't want to be spoken to like that anyway.

I agreed that he shouldn't have to. I commended him for standing up for himself, though I said I would have used more explanatory words myself and avoided the word assh*le. S said "he knows what I meant because he knows what assh*le means and he knows he was being one."

I said I was sad for H, because he is and has taken out his stress on people around him such as me and S16 and that's not fair, and it makes people mad and not want to be around him. S said he doesn't ever want to be around H. I said that's your choice. It's sad for H but it's also not ok for him to treat you like that. I said I had hope for people to change, that I felt H had some good qualities when he was not under stress, and that I had some hope for him to be different in the future. I said, so I like to think he's BEing an assh*le instead of he IS one. S16 said "he's been one for the past 10 years. I don't ever want to be around him and I don't want to be like him."

I said personally I didn't see that much of this stuff in S16, I said "I think you're pretty chill most of the time." I said, I think H, though he doesn't talk about his dad, I think he might have been treated exactly this way by his dad and just doesn't know a better way. S16 said that's why I want to stay away from him, I don't want to ever be like that.

I said, I'm sorry, he was great when I met him, or maybe I didn't know better. My dad was pretty controlling so controlling seemed normal to me. H was a lot of fun back then.

I settled it with him that he'll ride with his teammate. He said a couple of times I don't have to go to the tournament. He said "I play because it's fun, it doesn't matter if you don't go." I said I watch because that's fun for me so I'll go anyway, but I'm glad you play for fun. (Now I'm wondering if he would rather I not go and was trying not to hurt my feelings but get me to back off...he did say it twice. I said I thought there might be some I would miss so when I can I like to go.)

I said I was expecting the conversation to go somewhere else when he gave H the GPA (I figured H will have a problem with it whatever it is.) S said, it's fine, it's like a 3.1 and you have to be above 3.0. (now I'm laughing because I just now realized after alllllll that, that darn kid knows what his GPA is just fine.)

Sidenote, I worry a little about the GPA thing but S prefers to be independent and not have me helicoptering around him. He needs to get into the college that is right for him, and that's going to be the one that accepts the grades he has gotten. We had a conversation this week about whether a C is a good grade (I said to me it's not and S said it's AVERAGE and that's good).

son behind back brb