Been married for almost four years now (we're both 38, no kids). W started an EA with a colleague, and when discovered (she was doing it pretty much in plain sight, but in any case I got proof and confronted her).
She has announced that she doesn't think that she was ever in love with me, that she is unhappy in the relationship and needed to get out to have a chance at happiness. First thing I did, when she went to stay at a girlfriend on the first night after the "event", was to download Michele's conference, and took about 10 pages of notes of things I wanted to tell her. The next day we drove out to the country for lunch to discuss it. I poured by heart out to her, basically telling her about my failings and how I believed that I could fix things by changing. I basically summarised the seminar for her, in between tears.
No need for anyone to point out that this wasn't the thing to do, but I did it. I have Michele's books on order from Amazon and I can't wait to read them through.
I am under no illusions that this will be a long, steep climb. She have been together for about 7 years, but have gone colder physically in the second year only. Yet still got married. Because I hadn't had much experience in relationships, I just assumed that this was the way we were, and that the deep bond I felt for her was as good as "passion". I had no idea what connection was or meant. The flood of information and understanding I got from watching the seminar was painful because it was all so obvious in retrospect; why couldn't I handle this before? W doesn't think this would have made a difference, because we were never meant to be.
I suppose the house situation is a bit complicated, it's a hole right now as we are waiting for license to complete works. W is at a hotel for the week. Will not be able to afford these rates indefinitely, however. She's quite intent on moving out and cutting off asap.
She has a different interpretation to mine. She can't believe that I stuck with her for so long, and although I am not the man she would ever fall in love with or have children with (I don't think this is a serious desire on her part anyway), because she was such a B during our whole marriage. Her words. She did struggle with depression. Long before the separation, when she was telling me that we didn't have a connection, that I didn't talk or showed interest, that our relationship was doomed, I put it all on the account of the depression. I was so stupid, to assume I was smart enough or have anywhere near enough knowledge to make such an outlandish assumption.
Thus far (it's only been 4 days), I have reached out to friends and family for comfort. I was moved and delighted by how thoughtful they were, even when I hadn't spoken to them in a while. I will keep my powder dry and I cannot keep tapping them to get a quick fix of comfort, but just knowing they are there is amazing. W has been telling me that it's good that I talk about my feelings, that's not something I ever do.
It's a bit frustrating that she's so "good" about all this. Everything she says is expressed as taking my needs into consideration too, for instance: - that I don't really want to stay with her anyway - that we'll both be happier this way - that we should remain friends
She has said she would end the EA immediately, that she needs to figure herself out.
So I guess, like everyone else I am looking for support and advice. One thing I am unclear on is the "not chasing" bit. How do you signal that your heart is open without coming across as chasing? Now that my cards are on the table, who's to say she won't pick up the books and figure out my tricks? If she finds a boyfriend, at what point do I start going on dates myself or do I not do that at all? I mean, I guess that I am confused as to what signal staying alone and waiting (and sure, while working on you and taking classes and whatever) sends to the spouse. It sounds like a passive position, and not a seductive one. But I haven't read the books yet, maybe it'll be clearer soon. Failing that I may get a coach...
