So before you got married your interests were "clubbing" and "messing around" with girls... and now that you are married, it sounds like your hobby is mostly...your wife?
I'll be blunt:. You are both quite young. Still adolescents, technically. She is telling you very clearly and honestly that she doesn't quite know who she is, and she wants some time to find out. In my opinion, that is a pretty reasonable request for a 21 year old to have. It sounds like she wants more out of life than just hanging out at starbucks or the mall, or her apartment cooking you dinner. She wants to explore life a bit. I'm not sure why you seem to be unwilling to do that... perhaps you are afraid to realize that you don't quite know who you are, or what you want out of life? That you are not quite ready to become a grown up?
Re-read that chat through your wife's eyes... if you were her, would YOU want to be married to you?
Take this time to let her discover herself...and more importantly, take this time to discover YOURSELF. What is holding you back from GAL? (And that doesn't mean going clubbing). What are you afraid of? Why are you so afraid of letting her have some time to work on yourself? (That sounds like a very mature attitude for a 21 year old, IMO.)
So before you got married your interests were "clubbing" and "messing around" with girls... and now that you are married, it sounds like your hobby is mostly...your wife?
I'll be blunt:. You are both quite young. Still adolescents, technically. She is telling you very clearly and honestly that she doesn't quite know who she is, and she wants some time to find out. In my opinion, that is a pretty reasonable request for a 21 year old to have. It sounds like she wants more out of life than just hanging out at starbucks or the mall, or her apartment cooking you dinner. She wants to explore life a bit. I'm not sure why you seem to be unwilling to do that... perhaps you are afraid to realize that you don't quite know who you are, or what you want out of life? That you are not quite ready to become a grown up?
Re-read that chat through your wife's eyes... if you were her, would YOU want to be married to you?
Take this time to let her discover herself...and more importantly, take this time to discover YOURSELF. What is holding you back from GAL? (And that doesn't mean going clubbing). What are you afraid of? Why are you so afraid of letting her have some time to work on yourself? (That sounds like a very mature attitude for a 21 year old, IMO.)
What do they mean discover themselves.. I didnt get married for a yr or 10 or 40 I got married til death did us part.. she should have found herself before she got married.. fair enough its a mature request but it doesnt seem that fair tearing up someones life just because your uncertain about your own.
end of the day she wants space to 'get her emotions back' as she says she feels numb but she wants me to move out for that time and from what others have said you shouldnt move out as they wont see your changes.
To be honest I dont want to go clubbing its not what I wanted, and stopped just before I met her. I found myself hence why I settled down. She wanted the marriage more than I did to be honest but at the same time I also wanted it, I want to be married have a kid and start a family.
You got a point but I dont see why me and her cant do activities together. I want to go exploring the world with a companion and I wish it be her.. she wants the same.. but by herself from what she says..
I don't know what to do and where to go from here.. I dont believe in you were too youbg to be married because most people I know were married really young and are still together.
Its about maturity, commitment and also forward planning dedicated with problem solving solutions. I dont think im that mature but I damn well sure am committed.
I dont know what to do but from what your saying I should leave and move out and just get the divorce over and done with and if she comes back like a loser take her back.. thats not fair on me.. but if I have to do that then ill do it. As long as your certain thats fine.
1Wish, I can tell you that I'm in a similar scenario in that my WAW gave me the 'we got married too young' line. She's also trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. I was 22 and she was 19 when we married 15 years ago. Initially I had the same reaction and that was 15 years into our marriage! How do you not know 'who' you are by then?? Looking back on it now, we were too young, even though we both wanted to be married. You go through so many life experiences in your 20's that you're start to realize who you are and what you want out of life.
The best advice I can give you is to give her some space/time. In the meantime, GAL- figure out what makes you happy (outside of W). Your hope now is that by giving W space/time, she'll come to realize that she wants to be with you. Trust me, pressuring her to stay or for a decision will only push her further away.
1Wish, I can tell you that I'm in a similar scenario in that my WAW gave me the 'we got married too young' line. She's also trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. I was 22 and she was 19 when we married 15 years ago. Initially I had the same reaction and that was 15 years into our marriage! How do you not know 'who' you are by then?? Looking back on it now, we were too young, even though we both wanted to be married. You go through so many life experiences in your 20's that you're start to realize who you are and what you want out of life.
The best advice I can give you is to give her some space/time. In the meantime, GAL- figure out what makes you happy (outside of W). Your hope now is that by giving W space/time, she'll come to realize that she wants to be with you. Trust me, pressuring her to stay or for a decision will only push her further away.
What happens if she enjoys it too much?
We dont have kids yet but I hear WAW even leave with kids in tact.. mine has hardly any reason to stay.. she even told me that if I was the best husband ever she still doesnt know if she'll stay... she tells me thay she just wants to be alone but doesnt know if shes making a mistake n if she stays its for my sake.
I could let her go but I will not come back, thats not fair on me not fair at all.. do I not deserve happiness? Yes I mucked up but end of the day I changed to make amends and did it work no its not working.. she wants to go she can go doors fully open.. I want her to stay but I know I dont need her.. its a preference and to be honest if shes going to be cold towards me then whats the point of it all?
I love her to bits but I somehow feel im growing distant from her.. shes been harsh like when I begged pleaded and tried reassuring her with promises.. she spat on my face.. she scarred me with scratches.. she bruised me with punches.. she slapped me across my face.. she wished death upon me and my family and my baby niece who is 3yrs old.
And like a fool I still want her. If she stays ill do my best to keep her happy if she goes ill resent her.. but I cant hate people im just not like that..
What if she realizes what she's missing with you? 2 sides to every question. Your signature says it all - 'she's still deciding...' You've been given the gift of time. You work on yourself and become the M only a fool would leave. I know how difficult that is to believe so early in your situation, but I'm 8 mos in and my WAW has still taken no action to D.
A good friend of mine, who I've shared a lot of my story with, broke up with a girlfriend a few mos back. He then told me how she was constantly calling, texting, etc and it only pushed him further away. It wasn't until he was telling me this that I really realized how unattractive pleading and begging can be.
"I managed to read the book a bit more yesterday and got to the part about change what doesnt work part."
So you haven't actually read the book yet? This should have been your first priority instead of texting your W so much.
Im sorry your right its just that shes home when I am and because theres lobg gaps between the times I read it, im not fully managing to follow it and have to re-read it.
What would be the best chapters to read?
Btw I dont know if I mentioned this but my wife was talking to a guy mate to get advice about us for 2 and a half months before she asked for a divorce.. I spoke to him and he was very kind and gave me advice in what to do and how she feels.. but I got her to stop talking to him and she fully has now for over a month
The thing Is my wife said shes seeing 1 of her friends and she didnt she went somewer else and says she went coffee shop because she didnt want to come home as she wanted some space. But she only admitted it only after I said I know she didnt see her friend.. she said that if she said she was going by herself id try tagging along or think shes seeing someone.
All of them. There are no shortcuts. If you want your M to succeed, you have to do the work. You can't expect those of us who did the work to give you the shortened version.
"Btw I dont know if I mentioned this but my wife was talking to a guy mate to get advice about us for 2 and a half months before she asked for a divorce.."
So? YOu had problems before this guy came into the picture. And the problems still exist, because you haven't changed. If you don't do it now, she's going to find someone else.
"The thing Is my wife said shes seeing 1 of her friends and she didnt she went somewer else and says she went coffee shop because she didnt want to come home as she wanted some space. But she only admitted it only after I said I know she didnt see her friend.. she said that if she said she was going by herself id try tagging along or think shes seeing someone."
I have no idea what this means. This paragraph doesn't make any sense.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
@mrbond - my W said shes seeing 1 of her mates last Wednesday but the mate she was meant to see was not even in the country.. I didnt know this until yesterday.
I confronted her and she still lied and said she was with her friend. Until finally she said that she went by herself to thebxoffee shop because she wanted some space from me and our marriage. I asked why did she not tell me and she said it was because she knew id try tagging along.
