Hi Luke I have a better perspective today thanks you are right. there was much that was good about the weekend.
Short version of 10 years ago.. 14 years ago we met here 12 years ago we moved back to Australia I did not settle there well, after being away I felt foreign, people were critical, my father died. I complained a lot ( So I now hear)I advocated strongly to come back to Germany. he was reluctant but agreed We said we do 10 years here then go back- seemed like a compromise. We were married. he has permanent residency there.
Now he say I destroyed his trust because he thought it was forever. He said I planned not to stay ( which is not true I thought is was forever too) He accuses me of making him move so he could see it was awful? Destroyed his dreams, they are burnt earth and there is no going back. We did not go back last year because he could not find a job he wanted to do.I did not push because he appeared to be stressed .. actually now I know it was the beginning of the depression.Now he gets angry if I say if we divorce I will go home? I say then come with me and around we go.. broken dreams , no trust..
He also has an issue with being controlled and I am getting much better at not pushing that particular button.. takes silence..
My take is he was depressed, stared an affair and now needs to justify it..
I am reading a book or actually working through one called The Solo Partner.I suspect it is out of print.. The author discusses emotional reactivity and blame and pursuing.. it has really hit home on a number of levels.
On the weekend he started with his sarcasm and the monologue thing he has started to do where he talks both sides of an unpleasant conversation.. accusing me of not being able to make up my mind when I said "both options are fine with me, what did he really want." The book talked about not reacting emotionally.. so I just looked at him and listened ( normally i would apologise and make excuses..ect.. babble I call it) I worked at keeping an expression of listening and thoughtfulness not sad and threatened and you know it worked.. he began to apologise for what he was saying and explaining that he needs to do that sort of thing at work .. I call that a victory..
and he is taking a week to help with the move and is paying half.. so things could be worse?
Yes, things could be worse, and he is talking, which is very good. You want things to be expressed and flow (would that they did in my sitch...). If he really wants to go back to Aus, then he/you both should; great place (I loved Adelaide). Or how about a new place, say NZ?
It is best if this stuff comes from him though, at the bottom of the rotten tooth he is opening up, so stay strong and let him talk out his pain, validate.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Thinking you are stuck in a place is foolish... perhaps there aren't ideal jobs where you want to go, but that is just the current situation, and subject to change. Being stuck is also partly one's perception -
I don't know what your H does, but believe that it is crazy to just give up, resigned to BRD the rest of one's life. Think big! The world can be one's oyster if one is willing to try.
the world is his oyster but he is frozen at the moment.. I will wait it out beside him well at the moment He is communicative which is better than a lot I read and seems to be getting better..
you sound so.. wise.. i wish you wife could see that.. work tomorrow.. and wow it was hot here...today
me too, engineer, R+D, and yes, my experience has been that we are generally in demand (knock on wood...). Heck, that is what I was doing in Adelaide, working as an engineer at a small chemical company!
That would really be a breakthrough - for him to see that he can change his situation - to feel free - perhaps we should work on helping him with that, as it seems a major blockage. I don't know how one could help him see that, though.
It is funny because I feel like a broken record, but EE would help him, I think, with this getting unstuck. That was my problem (being stuck in a lousy marriage), and I felt wonderfully unburdened and happy for going to EE, flowing, open, surrounded by good people that care. People change and bloom there - you should see their faces - it is wonderful.
Good on you for facilitating his communicating - that is healing for him - if only the fool could see that your doing this is yet another way of loving him!
Of course, you need to reflect on yourself too. What needs to change there? What is Lou not happy with about herself? Could Lou be a better person in her M?
Global warming is making BRD unpleasant in the summer - I need to go to even hotter Budapest in late July - will then maybe spend a few days after at the not too far away to drive Plitvice National Park in Croatia (there is a gorgeous marathon and half there!).
EE I remember you writing to me about it but have been through threads and can't find it..
this is not the man to tell anything to.. I agree some talk therapy about letting go and not obsessing on the bad things people are planning to do to you might help.. a lot. But he thinks there is nothing wrong with him.. maybe I should record him next time.. he sounds just like his father !!!!
Me .I found myself a counselor and have worked through why I am so controlling, why I am anxious when I can see people making potential mistakes, why I would rather do EVERYTHING than let any one else do it.. so it is done properly.
Lot of very old issues but I am getting better . Have done a tonne of reading.. DB but also the solo Partner has helped. so I do not organise and control and manage.. I have developed a strategy to slow down my old reactions to old issues.. and it actually worked on the weekend.. My H is clearer about things I do that are annoying.. like repeating myself when I feel it is important ( teacher habit!)
I am in a better place..but still want to be married to him.. which could be a fruitless goal..
good that your husband is telling you what (he finds) you do wrong - take it to heart - listen - and as far as he is right, perhaps you can adjust your behavior a bit. The truth will be somewhere in the middle, where you both have expressed yourselves, and come to an arrangement.
good on you for finding a counselor - you actually sound like my W with the controlling and wanting to do everything yourself ... what sort of therapy or school does this person follow?
your trick of slowing down your reactions - observing yourself - is good too - you are not always right, you know... - and other people have perhaps a different POV or way of doing things, equally valid. And pride (perhaps they resent your telling them they are "wrong"?) can be wounded by too much controlling. But you know this.
the counselor uses Transactional Analysis some 12 step stuff, Buddhism and common sense.. He asks hard questions and makes me think, reflects and calls me on my B###S####
we have linked high levels of anxiety when things are not perfect back to the values I was raised with.. which are fine values in moderation.. The controlling all comes from there..and the rescuing.All done to reduce my anxiety..
Thanks for the positive feedback.. actually it is the first time I have really seen some of this psycho stuff really work as they say it will.
what do you mean I am not always right.. of course I am, i am a teacher we are on impotent!:-)
actually one thing that is irritating is I repeat myself, checking for understanding and then with him I guess reassurance.. HAVE to do it at school HAVE to NOT do it with adults in the real world.. that is tough to have 2 personas.
so the EE programme??
also took note that sending more than one email led to (I think ) a cooler reaction yesterday.. so need to back off even from.. How to sort and sell our stuff emails!" all this tiny dancing around,.. AHH i am not patient person.. thanks for listening
yes, it sounds like your anxiety (why be so? the world will go on if something is done differently...) and controlling are good things to focus on. It also sounds like yoga or meditation would be good for you - learn to let go -
EE is an experiential program that shows you yourself and lets you share your real self with supportive others. It opens people and helps them bloom. The website has more details.
Yes, too much reassurance seeking or 'confirm you have received and understood my transmission, please repeat it to me' could be a liability...
