Also, in regards to "if he walks that may be a breaking point." He has already walked-just not physically.
If you're not familiar with either of these, I'd strongly encourage anyone following along to look up two things: one is a movie scene, and the other is a famous quote. I have over the years noticed that both of these, when applied to a betrayed spouse's mindset, can have a SIGNIFICANT impact on how successful you ultimately are in DBing.
DBing is a set of concepts, strategies and tactics. What I'm referring to is more your overall PARADIGM -- how you view yourself, and the trauma you've just received.
The first, is "The Stockdale Paradox":
STOCKDALE PARADOX:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
Starsky, thank you for the thought about seeing my DD16's viewpoint in 10 years. That's something I'll have to consider carefully. On the one hand, I would never want someone treating her the way H is treating me right now, as if I don't matter. On the other hand, if there were a miracle and H came home next week and said it had all been a hideous mistake and he was sorry and took steps to build something new with me, then I would say the wait was worth it. I suppose it all comes down to 'what are the chances of that' and I realize they aren't good.
I also took a hard look at the Stockdale Paradox and recognized that I'm not sure I'm committed to enduring any and all difficulties to get to the end product. I'll have to think about that one, too.
In the meantime, I've had no contact with H since early yesterday morning when he and D11 left for the trip. I texted and talked to D11 multiple times, on her own phone, but didn't text or call DH and he didn't me. Just shows me how little effort he's really making right now, something I didn't see because he would reply to most texts that I sent. But apparently he's not going to initiate on his own. So be it. I don't anticipate a real need to talk to him until Sunday morning, when I will pick up D11 from him at the airport. (This is all out of state. He will then continue home and I'll stay out of state with the kids visiting family.)
The most difficult part about this is the kids. I've been working hard to shield them in hopes that H would "come to his senses". I'm beginning to see that there's no shielding them and I'm angry at H for putting them through whatever is coming. How could he make that choice? We have a counseling appointment for when we both get back in town and it might do us good to talk about how to discuss it with the kids. Any advice on that?
First, enjoy your trip. Have fun. Laugh and make memories. Can't get back lost time.
In regards to what to say to your kids, it depends on what you are saying. You definitely don't want to say "we might be separating " or anything that isn't concrete. And honestly, it will be extremely challenging to say anything at this juncture that won't make them feel stressed other than "we love you and I am here is you want to talk about anything.
Be patient. You can bring up your concerns as to what to say to if anything to the kids with the MC. Be warned though. Your h will view the "how can you do this to the kids?" as guilt so tread carefully.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/11/1407:12 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
All I can say is to be The Gold Bar here. The reason gold is so valuable is because its rare and shiny. The reason aluminum is cheap is because its plentiful and is often thrown away. Use this as a metaphor for your "time" around your H. When you withdraw, he will be able to see what it is like to not have you around. People dont like having things taken away from them. I dont think the MC is going to help at all with him at this point though. He might be better going to IC, but probably not willing to as he probably doesnt accept any blame.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Here's my update for today: no contact from H yesterday, I talked to D11 by text and phone many times, but didn't hear from H. D11 had asked me when we were leaving for vacation (could have been today or tomorrow, since we drive we often leave it as a last-minute decision). She said H wanted to know. I told her we hadn't decided, that I'd talk to H when he called me. Remember, the kids don't know anything, and I'm not going to let them turn into the go-betweens. So I got a text from H bright and early today, asking when we were leaving and saying that D11 seemed to be having a good time. I gave a brief reply and I'm prepared not to hear from him again for another couple of days. I don't think it makes any difference to H, seems he'd prefer not to have to interact with me, but I think I'm happy with the way I handled it.
Sounds like you did a great job. Always keep it brief.
Enjoy your trip. Don't forget to sing in the car-that makes it extra fun:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm back from my week away. The kids and I had a nice time. Dh and I texted some days, and didn't some days.
After I got back, I suggested that we postpone our next MC session to pursue some IC. But my caveat on it was that if he was thinking about moving out soon, then we needed the MC session to decide details and how to present it to the kids. He said we could postpone. That relieves a lot of my stress, I was very concerned that he'd take me by surprise by moving out at the end of the summer without having discussed it with me first. And he still might, but he's promised we will discuss it with MC first, so that we can sit down with the kids together. I'm just hoping it won't come down to that.
So, for those of you who have pursued IC for yourselves, what is it exactly that I am supposed to be working on? I'm not trying to decide whether to stay in the marriage or not, the answer is yes. His list of grievances came down to 10lbs and a messy closet. I don't know that I need therapy for either of those. I don't mean to be flip, or pretend that I didn't share any blame for the breakdown of the marriage, I could just really use some guidance on what IC is all about.
Figure out what it is in your life that you want to improve on. Go back to when you and your H first fell in love. Who were you back then compared to now? If you are like many of us, M life has distracted you from your past interactions with your H.
Focus on what you know you contributed to the decline in your M and work on those issues for starters. The rest you can pick up on the way.
Good luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine, although not completely. My H is having an affair (was EA, then PA, then EA again...now I don't know), but also hasn't left (he considered it months ago). I'm still standing, our kids are in the dark (D15, S13).
To the world we look like a totally happy, functioning family. According to H, I'm the only one who thinks things are messed up.
My H ALSO went on a trip with my daughter this month, and I was worried about what to do about communication. Oddly, he communicates with me all the time. Lots of pictures, lots of texts and emails....He sends messages to S and says he's homesick and to take care of mommy.
SO....Since I can't do anything about the OW (yay, addiction), I'm just hanging on for the ride. Sex life before was great (also never had a headache - lol), I've lost 25 lbs since he blew up my life with the OW....The whole thing feels insane.
GAL - working on it. IC - doing that, too...but other than the fact that I'm super depressed about his behavior, I'm trying to figure out what else I need to do. I keep talking about boundaries, which I've been great at with the kids, but don't know how to set with a guy in MLC. When I set boundaries, he shuts down for very long periods of time with me, and I think I drive him to her. He keeps coming back to me. So far the small boundaries I've set (don't communicate with her in my presence) have worked.
The whole thing is a mess. Reading your thread with hope for you (and hoping to glean knowledge for me, too!)
To make things more confusing, H admits that he was happier one year ago than he is now. He LOVED his life with me and the kids...he's not sure why he pursued OW other than the fact that she's really into him and makes him feel great about himself (until he feels guilty and hates himself for being in a relationship where he has to sneak around and lie). He just likes the variety. Well, isn't that great. UGH.
