Sex was great, then we married?

[GoatGal]

Grey,

I know you're trying hard to find the magic bullet, but I don't think it's there.
I appreciate all your efforts, the reminders, the lobster tails... but face it, it ain't working, is it?
Time for a new approach.


I'm the same way.

" Tell me what to do to "fix this"!!!"

I'm going to tell you as someone who has been beating my head against the wall, that the way we feel we should go about it is all wrong.

I think this is something that is going to take time and some understanding on your part, not to mention, patience.


I still feel like I'm hearing how you're doing everything "right" and things haven't changed fast enough for you.

You have to be patient and create an atmosphere of trust for her to talk to you about what she's going through.
Your statements are still: "I'm doing this, that, and the other thing. When is she going to change?"

Maybe stop "doing" for awhile. Let her take over for a bit.
I strongly suspect there is something going on with her that she is afraid to share with you because she knows this is SO IMPORTANT to you.

Focus on that thought and try to let the rest go.
Don't try and pry it out of her either.
Don't try and "nice" it out of her, hoping if you "do" this or that she'll be ready and willing to come out with it.



Just--BE.
Enjoy her. Do things together that in no way are related to ML.
If you "do" anything, put the focus on letting her know that you love her NO MATTER WHAT.
That she can talk to you about anything, anytime, and that you love her enough not to judge anything she has to say.
That you want to know what she's going through because you LOVE HER.

That you're willing to work through any and all issues to find a way for both of you to be happy, however you can find a middle ground, because being together is the most important thing.

And, if you can swing this one and really mean it:
Promise her that you will love her no matter what, and that you will NOT LEAVE HER.
Right now I have the distinct impression that you will dump her if things don't improve quickly, and I'm not married to you.
How do you think she feels?

Let it go for now.
Let her set the pace with this.
Not forever, just for now.

(And by "for now", I mean at least a week--or five--with NO discussion or "trying" on your part. At the very least.)

Meanwhile, she gave you a BIG CLUE last night.
SHE would like it in the afternoon after the pool.
And what do you make of that?

Who sets the where/when/how traditionally?

Meanwhile, what does this mean? "I have been doing more of the "staring" thing with her" ?

----GG

DISCLAIMER: This post is not a substitute for the wisdom of the DB Veterans who have been giving great advice for years.
I'm just a woman of your wife's age who has dealt with some of the same issues. Maybe I'm totally off base. It's happened before.