Hi cat, My W has wanted her father to be different, to want her in his life since I've known her. I put up with some awful behavior on his part just because I knew this was so. The problem I have is that my W has allowed him to set the conditions of what he wants from her before HE will accept her in his life. He has made it clear from the moment he told her he wanted to "make up" for all the bad that he wanted only her, not her H or kids. Hell, the first thing he wanted to do was for her to go away to Europe with him for more than a month without me or the kids! What grandfather do you know who would even suggest that?
Yes, she has a void that she needs to at least try to fill but when that comes at the expense of 20 years of marriage and what is best for her own kids that is too much. Why do you think my W is so worried about how our D14 sees what she is doing? When filling that void means pretty much doing what her own father did to her, knowing the pain it caused her for so very long, how can she justify doing that. How can she think causing the same kind of hurt that her father caused her, her brother, her mother be worth it to her?
She has even gotten to the point now of blaming her own mother, the parent who took care of her, who wanted her in their life no matter how hard it was for "making" her father be the jerk he was! It's not just that she isn't doing it the way I would but she's doing it in a way that most any normal person would see is wrong. I remember her saying many times that as long as her father was still alive, there was always a chance that she could have a good relationship with him. Now, since she is afraid time is running out she seems willing to ignore the reality of who and what he is and change 47 years of history to disbelieve anything that doesn't put him in the best light.
That void you talk about is most likely the cause of the pain my W has been going through for the last 7 years. I really don't think it is just a coincidence that she fell into her first depression right after her father came to her and told her he wanted to make up for everything BUT just her. What kind of position is that to put your own D in after all the years he mistreated her? After that when he would come to visit, my W would ask him to come when the kids weren't in school so we could all do things together and he NEVER once did. He always came when they were in school.
I see parallels between what she said to me on B-day and her relationship with her father. She told me I should have "made" her do things together as a family like go on vacation together. Now she talks about how the best memories she has of being with her dad as a child was when he "made" her do things with him when she didn't want to. Now she wants me to "make" our D14 live with her 50% of the time! Does she really want me to become like him with our own D? She wants to blame her mother for being the one who fought for her M, who didn't want her M to end for "making" her hate her father and is afraid that because she is the one who ended the M, filed for D, that our D will want to blame her. Sorry, but that is up to our D. I won't try and make my W out to be a horrible person but she is the one who filed without trying, who couldn't even wait until she was out and on her own to file because that isn't what her father wanted or thought was important. Who is willing to make her own kids pay the price for what she thinks she wants in her life. These are the facts, nothing can change that. Nor do I have to point them out (and NEVER would) the kids are old enough to have seen what was happening. They had to live with a mother who basically stopped being one. Who never made time for them. Who put other things first.
I understand that my W is in pain and has wanted the void in her life filled for a very long time. I accept that she needs to try and find a way to heal. What I cannot accept is that if she wants to do this the way she is, in a way that causes so much pain to so many, she doesn't have to face that it comes at a cost. She seems to think that getting a D is some simple parting of the ways where everyone will be happier, even her kids. Just as long as I don't do anything to make my D be angry at her, she will be happy that her mom is getting what she wants. My W is already not abiding by the terms of her own D petition. She is refinancing the car she drives most because she says "I don't see why we can't just keep the cars we both use most". Well, the problem there is it's in both our names! It's part of whatever settlement we come to and until then you just can't do what YOU think we will at some point come to terms about. She just seems to refuse to look at this for what it is, a hard, painful process that is going to hurt everyone involved.
There was no reason for her to do this the way she has. She could have done this in a way that didn't destroy her M and cause so much pain. I would have supported and did her having a relationship with her father. I do hope she can find some way to come to terms with what is missing in her life, I really do. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life unhappy or regretting what she did or didn't do or never having the kind of love and acceptance from her father that she so badly wanted. The reality is that when you get M, you make the choice to move ahead with your life where your H and kids are now the most important things. When adopted people look for their bio parents, they don't need to totally remove the parents who raised them and loved them from their lives. If the bio parents say to them that they will only accept them into their lives if you totally remove the adopted parents from their life, is it right for them to do that? If they were good parents who would think that was a reasonable thing to ask the person who is trying to fill that void?
cat, I do have compassion for my W, really I do. I know it's a bad situation she has been put in where she feels to have her father accept and love her, she must change her life and hurt everyone who has loved and been there for her. The fact that she is in MLC and is already questioning everything about her life up until now only helped her along with that choice but it is a choice I can never feel was the right one. Yes, it is reality and I have to deal with it, so in that respect I do accept it. I just don't think I will ever agree that it was the right or only choice she could have made.
I understand where you are coming from and appreciate what you are saying. She is trying to stop years of pain and want and after all is said and done I do hope she finds what she is looking for, if only because of the high price being paid by so many.
Now, I have to stop thinking about these kind of things and plan what I must do for me. I have spent WAY too much time trying to understand why. Why no longer matters. What must be done from this point on is all that I need to think about. I will never do anything out of pain or spite and must not let myself get angry or ask why questions as all that does is take my attention from what needs to be done for me and my kids.
