I read that first comment as flippant: "Don't take things so personally, another lesson from DB"
I think what you meant was: "Don't take things so personally" is another thing I have LEARNED at DB." Am I right?
Anyhow, according to DB principles, what I am still hearing is you defending yourself, instead of switching your focus to your wife and her needs at this time.
Obviously there is some kind of problem going on, but I think really tuning into HER right now, removing your desires from the equation, is the ONLY way you're going to find out what that is, and how to address it.
--GG
I hear you, and things seem to get lost in translation in talking here and it's impossible to be so specific on every single thing. People take things personally, I can't stop it, but trying to defend it every time, I dunno, it's like, it's not the point in the first place. I try to be both careful and descriptive, but it can't ever really be enough of either.
I think the only thing I feel like I'm having to defend is my right to be here and my right to feel like it's ok to desire to ML with my wife.
I might not be communicating it here very well because I'm defending what I'm saying here so often rather than what I'm actually doing at home with my W. And you're right, tuning into her is what needs to happen. And it's what's happening, both on my side and her side. She knows how I feel, so I stopped, I didn't pursue it further, and not only did I learn that from the DB book but I also agree with it and see it working----seeing progress, more than anything else, has been the most important and fulfilling part of this time when I've had to be more patient than I feel like I ever have been in my life. And during that patience, I've grown stronger, particularly both spiritually and mentally.
It also probably sounds more about me because, well, that's why I'm here----I don't know what she's thinking to write it here, and on the other hand I'm flooded with thoughts and a desire for advice with people here who have experience similar situations. It's all new to me.
With that said, I only talk about my feelings about it here, for now. When I'm at home with my W, frankly you'd never know I had these thoughts or that there was any issue. We have gotten closer this last month, in particular. I didn't even think that was possible because we were already so close and had already adjusted our lives to be closer in other ways, but here we are. Just being honest about going to a counseler, she was thrilled yesterday. Thrilled. I picked her up milk and olives on the way home, replaced the air filters, said nice things. We're talking more deeply lately, just about things other than sex, albeit all of that is a result of me bringing up the sex part a few weeks ago.
I don't want to toot my own horn or sound like a hero, but I have been more focused on her and less focused on sex, even though it might not sound like it here because, well, this is where I come, the only place I come to talk about and seek advice on that issue. The things I've learned from here and Michele's books have made me a better husband. It's really that simple. They are lessons I'll also never be able to forget. It's really empowering stuff.
Let's put it this way----not having sex put a strain on our marriage, albeit that may have been one-sided even if it is ok to feel hurt by being rejected for sex for so long. As a result of that strain, I found experts like Michele, and nobody has helped more than Michele. Today, our marriage is stronger than ever. We're closer than ever. We're so much better at talking and listening. It's very exciting, liberating, even theraputic. And yes, I want sex. But now I think the sex part will just be more of a side effect of a deep love; it will happen, and we're both hopeful for that rather than focused on it.
It's funny to think that not having sex has opened both of our eyes to our ability to connect more closely on a spiritual level despite not feeling like we weren't connecting that way beforehand. I dunno. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. That's still where I'm at, just being patient, forgetting about the sex part, not bringing it up, not focusing on it, and looking forward to seeing what happens next.
