"When I'm with my W though, I don't bring it up. I have been doing great with talking more, listening, and just forgetting the ML part for a while."
This part is great! "Last night we sat in bed naked and just talked. It helped me not be so nervously upset when the lights went out. " This part, not as good. Because it still seems your focus is on sex, on not on her. Almost as if you're acting like you don't care, (good first step) but deep down, that's REALLY what you're concerned about, yourself and your needs. (If you hadn't said "naked" it wouldn't have popped out to me.)
See if you can really get your mind and heart on HER and HER NEEDS. Put yours on the back burner for now. You might see a difference.
Now, you're on a forum called "Divorce Busting". I hope you're not considering divorcing your wife after 8 dry weeks. (?) I get the strong sense that this might be on the table, as if she/you/somebody needs to fix this, or you're outta there.
Can you say: "PRESSURE"?
Pressure makes ML everything it's not supposed to be. Neither men, nor women, are at their best when there is pressure to "perform" as required.
Think about that and get back...
Caveat: I am a newbie and I would definitely take what the vets say over my two cents. I only feel comfortable posting here because I have personal experience in this area.
---GG
K, I hear you on the naked part.
But understand it wasn't like, "hey, let's get naked and talk." We sleep naked. I never could with anyone before, my W encouraged it and has always slept naked. It was more of, like, let's just stay up a little while but in bed and talk. I'm not gonna say talking while naked isn't a pretty nice way to have a conversation, but it wasn't outright sexual, I promise----it's normal for us, but usually she's so tired that she goes right to bed; this time it was nice that we both took that time to talk, deliberately.
I know it's called "divorce busting," but if there's one thing I've learned fom Michele and this site it's that my W and I aren't nearly as bad off as most. Michele makes it sound like the vast majority of the couples she sees have already experienced infidelity before they reach Divorce Busting. I don't love the name (nor any of the book titles, for that matter), but the content is invaluable.
And yeah, I did consider divorce. I considered it. I would never want it, but I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind, especially when this first started.
But I know now that it was a silly idea. I don't think about divorce. We're not getting divorced. Promise. Learning from here and other experts has helped me realize just the idea of me and my W getting divorced doesn't make sense and isn't the way to solve this problem of ours.
I don't mean to make it sound like, "sex or divorce," but for a while I was focused on Michele's "Just Do It" idea and that if my W would just try to ML again that it would help us both. Frankly, I think she's right, and it would still do us good, only I know I can't be the one to say that, nor do I consider not having sex right now reason enough for divorce. Not trying to listen or change would probably be grounds for divorce, but even then it would have to be eventual, not right now.
For the record, both of us have made it clear, face to face, that we're going to strengthen our marriage and try to figure out a solution. We haven't been as completely specific as Michele outlines (at least not yet), but that might just have to wait for counseling, which we're getting ready for. So for now, it's still just patience. Some days are harder than others. Last night wasn't one of those hard days.
