He's not in. Hasn't this conversation happened a number of times? I'm not sure why you guys are discussing something that requires all action versus words.
Back off.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
The level of "commitment" that he is offering you is no different than you were getting for 20 years, and that you said wasn't enough for you anymore. It was at that point in this circus that I bought my ticket and started following your sitch.
It seems to me that you ARE willing to go back to that, and in fact are DESPERATE for it. So why don't you just agree to it, and stop driving each other insane?
From the outside looking in, your little "dance" you two do seems dysfunctional, but maybe it worked . . . for BOTH of you?
You SAY you want more, but your ACTIONS of the past month scream otherwise.
Hi G-belle ~ this time I believe him, as he suggested "exclusive dating/fun" and seeing where it goes... ultimately to end back in committed relationship.
BACKING OFF.... will watch for ACTION
Starsky ~ I know.. I know its not enough (long term)... but it is what I was asking for in a "start" position. I know my actions do not match what I want...AT ALL. I know that I am eager for a smidgen of what I had before....I am hoping that I can be patient (new MM) and it can grow on its own without my steering (new MM). I feel that "IF" I can do that... then maybe, just maybe... I will SEE/KNOW what he really wants without my direction/my way. <<<< This will satisfy me... KNOWING! Once I really know what he wants (commitment, but afraid to pull the trigger)... maybe he will then act on it, because its what HE decides, and not from my steering.
So... agreeing to it, but from a skeptical seat.
Fingers crossed. DUCT TAPE on. EYES wide open!
ACTION ACTION ACTION !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today, is my DD Graduation... we will be going together, along with my Dad (only 3 seats, mom is sick).... Sure hope my dad doesn't say anything stupid or regrettable.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I swear I'm not trying to be rude and I am perplexed by something. So you *agreed* to an "exclusive, fun relationship" and there has been no date or fun activity yet? It seems an odd way to start a R.
I say secure the financial piece for yourself. I would take care of THAT fun first. That's just me.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/10/1406:28 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Magic, Well, it appears that postings are still going in a circular motion again and again and it looks like the discussions are pretty much the same as they were last year. Personal relationship vs. business relationship. Okay, I get you want the personal relationship so badly that you are willing to toss everything aside to try again. I really do get it...however, you need to get your business relationship taken care of first. In other words, get your financial situation and partnership on paper so that you are financially secure and know that he's not pulling the wool over your eyes once more w/empty chatter.
So, how can you agree to be exclusive w/your xbf/business partner if you've not dated in over a year? How does that work? When are you moving back in w/him and his mother? After all, if you are going to have this "exclusive" relationship, I would question him about moving back "home" or is he still talking about purchasing a home? If so, you need to find out when the two of you are actually going to go around and see some houses, etc.
If your xbf continues to bs you w/idle chatter and doesn't show "action" in the next few weeks, I'd say you have been hoodwinked all over again w/chatter of this and that just to keep you on the line. Observe, listen and see where his promises of exclusive take the both of you.
But, in the meantime, get yourself in a better position financially and don't put this off another 12 months. This piece of business has been up in the wind for 12 months and still hasn't been completed. This is no way to run a business...unless that's exactly the way he wants it and is not bothered w/what you want.
Ts is hard mm, but how did the lawyer say to dissolve the business partner ship?
I am taking my business side to mediation, but as yet h doesn't know! I want the paperwork done. Period. No ifs buts or maybes. He doesn't understand why he needs it but once he does know then he might just Man up who knows.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ok... so the financial convo went aside again. However, the point of the convo still exists and he "says" its still important to him to get it completed too. I know he fears losing "control" of what he feels he worked so hard for. He feels that I don't trust him to do what is right, and is throwing in curve balls as stall tactics. It is very important to him to figure out the position/purchase of our location & then he feels he will be ready to enjoy life & be a different person.
SO, with that said.... I'm not so sure that battling out "my" situation "right now" with him is timely. I feel I will just keep hitting brick walls and building resentment. Maybe, like he says... once the location is settled??!! I am hoping to approach this again in a gentler way that shows my security is important too. Meanwhile, since a mediated report was given to us... that would likely hold "some" form of intent, if required. It is not a complete lost cause. I will continue to pursue it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scared.
Scared that we are not ready... as he is not willing to "work" on us, yet. Scared of failure. Scared of getting hurt all over again. Scared of past behaviours. Scared to screw up last chance.
He believes that he will be prepared to focus and make the cHanges he wants for himself.... after... the business location has been figured out. His changes include being happier. To live a happier & fuller life than how we were living. Especially near the end of our rel'p (arguing so much), and how he would not take the time to stop & smell the roses. It was work work work. Resentment. He would not date me, dinners, socialize with friends, nothing!! So this is why having "fun" is priority to him. I also think that "having fun" without me hasn't been as much fun as he thought.
With that said, I too need to see/hear/feel his "action" of promoting FUN. As i deserve it. I always tried to coordinate fun resulting in "no, too tired". Resentment for both. Him: jealous that I was still doing some fun events. Me: he's too tired to do things with me & for our relationship. This was a problem within our rel'p.
So... I think I can back off and allow him to steer the "fun ship". I will see things on his terms. I will get to see how much fun he is willing to share "WITH" me.... without me driving/controlling. AND without sex being the motivator. I will keep sex at bay, and off the table for now... is flirting allowed? for now?
I am hoping that we can learn how to have fun AND manage a business successfully without him feeling that I am the only one having a fun life. HIS BIG ISSUE. He doesn't know how to enjoy life & takes it out on me.
How do we separate business & relationship. We will still argue a lot about work & money. This is a problem for him as he holds on to this stuff, where as I don't. I am able to let this stuff go. He holds on & brings it up over & over as required.
He mentioned again on Monday that he has concerns of my expectations. Feeling that if he gives me an inch (saying we are working on us again, etc) that I will take a mile. Not wanting to hear me say that he dangled a carrot and that promises were made. <<<<<< HELP here please? What can I do to appease this feeling?
So, I guess I need to watch and see things for how they really are. I honestly feel he is eventually wanting more with me but is afraid to pull the trigger (as above). My 20 year rel'p was me chasing him. I refuse to chase, this time. I want to see/know/feel that I am loved and desired and that he is willing to compromise to keep me. <<<<<< How can I do this?
My desire to accept his "fun/exclusive dating" seems like an opportunity window to promote compromise, and... as soon as I can. After I accept this "offers" that are from his lead...not my chase/pursuit.
I am skeptical.
Now that I have kinda accepted exclusive fun... How do I manage? Or do I bail out completely until he is prepared to work on self? I will remain skeptical/hopeful and want my friends/DB team to not allow me to accept scraps and to hold out and ensure that I get what I want/need too.
I do not want to be a toy that he pulls off the shelf for "fun" from time to time.
To him, this is how a beginning is created (much like when you first start to go out with someone. No promises, guarantees. Just enjoy company & see where it goes. (he said this on monday).
One final thought. Knowing that HE suggested exclusive takes a lot of pressure off me. Being faithful while figuring this stuff out seems like a step in the right direction. Maybe even just knowing this much will help me to be stronger to getting what I want too. Maybe I can get what I need. Just a thought, because I do feel a knot untangling in my stomach.
On the flip side, I really fear getting back too soon as he has not done HIS work. I have and am continuing to do so. I don't want to fall back into old patterns or behaviours that fail. Doing so too early could wreck any real chances of having a successful reconciliation. I really really really need to watch and be cautious. Authentic to myself.
I am not sure how slow, slow can be... but I know I need to go very slow.
Again, super scared.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Scared because your identity and financial state are in his hands. You have the ability to change that, but all kinds of excuses not to.
He is all talk, and you are all talk. How can you be in an exclusive relationship with someone who is not dating you, and why are you discussing the intent to have fun instead of doing something fun? And if he is not inviting you, and then being fun, you have your answer loud and clear.
If you want to wait until the next hurdle, ie, the property thing is settled, fine. Sounds like you think he'll have some kind of breakdown finishing the financial agreement while handling business uncertainty. This is not a flattering picture of him as either a business partner or a potential life partner. In fact, none of what you say here paints him favorably as a potential life partner. I honestly do not know what you are so scared of.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm sorry but you can't be "faithful" or "exclusive" when you aren't dating.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
