ya know, sometimes i do capture the "knowledge" about having done my best, and even tho it may be lacking - in retrospect - at the time i didn't know or couldn't have. and you're right - intention is EVERYTHING.
IT'S THOSE other moments when i think- "well, of course you WOULD tell yourself that" "it's what you want to hear and lets face it - you are you - & need to be your own biggest supporter in life" -
so then, the "i wonder if's" appear. i know you are rite.
i don't want to not hold myself to some standards in life. you know? if i don't at least "try to do my best" - then how the heck can i face o ther people or the world - kind of thing. Or feel good about self and be own support system- if i don't believe i did try my best & do hold myself to some principls in life - something like that , anyway - i worry sometimes about letting my own principls get lax - or if i get "selfish" and i do not want to go around treating other people like nothin - it's a bad m.o.; and i know how bad it feels to be treated poorly- or like we are zero. everyone knows how terrible it feels - soooo i don't want to ever dish that out to anyone. (kind of thing)
i worry that i'll let my own stress crappola blind me and make me bitter and ratty or hypocritical and less careful of those around me in life.
i need to know who i am and what i believe is good person to be - in order to go thru life trying to assess what i'm seeing and so forth. did that make sense?
I sure look at h and people around me- and while they're spouting junk about someone that treated them badly- they're doing it to me or someone else. it's that junk- how blind human beings are (i guess all??) and then i wonder if i am too.
just don't wanna be- i know- i sure am a mess inside that head sometimes.
i THINK i've always tried hard to be fair and decent- but it's me makin the call- who knows what the world sees or feels?????
you're nice- have a great day- thanks fotr thoughts.
(ya know- it's my "catholic" upbringing- reading this book geared toward making one a good monk- i realize what a huge downer & self-critical thing religion can be- and that is a shame- but there you have it. i'm workin on fighting the urge to shave my head into a tonsur - and get a robe i guess. (this is humour by the way) i just see how it's ingrained in kids probably *(my mom) and how it's passed along. the you are UNWORTHY THING.
