Help please

[Ben2010]

SO Rayzzz
Since you seem to know a bit about this subject. I just started taking Wellbutrin. How long should that take to kick in and help me cope with some of this?

[GoatGal]

Ray and Ben... I'm thinking maybe we should start a new thread?

We don't want to tromp all over Maybell's territory here.

[Maybell]

Grr... Whiplash. Communicating about kids this morning makes me feel hostile and ok to be separated. Later today I'll probably miss him. Then I'll wonder if I miss *him* or the fantasy of the relationship I want to have with him. The fantasy that probably won't happen. Then something will happen with the kids and I'll wonder how I could have had children with this guy.

I wish life and feelings were simpler and clearer.

[SemperFi00]

I wish life and feelings were simpler and clearer.

Don't we all - lol..........

You're doing great!!

Stay strong

[Cadet]

Reality is that you did have children with him.

And I hope that you love them very much.

Remember that they are 50% of him and 50% of you.

So being angry and hostile to him means that you are half angry at your children.

Just like with children you are angry at his ACTIONS,
you need to detach from those actions and
store your love for him away some where in a safe place.

Food for thought

[Maybell]

Thank you Cadet.

I don't know how to do that. I'm trying.

I adore my children. They are wonderful, interesting people. They have challenged me to grow into a better person and to be more generous and compassionate.

Just like my husband.

[labug]

What's up, Maybell?

Why do you think your H works so much?

Being a great provider is one thing but ignoring your family is another.

What are your goals?

[mdu]

Just wanted to say I really identify with emotional 'whiplash'. I try to remind myself that feelings don't last so don't put too much stock into any one moment, hour or even day.

[Maybell]

Thanks for checking in, labug & mdu.

Why does my H work so much? Well... here are some thoughts.

When we first married one of the things I REALLY admired about him was that he was able to put work aside at the end of the day. When he was at work, he was at work, when he was at home, he was at home. He worked hard and he worked weekends/evenings when necessary (he has a white collar job) but ONLY when necessary. My dad had a similar kind of job and growing up we just never knew when he was going to show up, how late he was going to work, etc. Sometimes he worked into the wee hours. So H having a bright line between what was reasonable and what wasn't was very appealing.

When he took this job we knew there would be significantly more travel but the job itself is a great opportunity for really taking his career to a new level. After BD he expressed amazement that he had allowed himself to be so sidetracked by OW. He even said, "I can't believe I did all that. I've been totally distracted at work. I can do better." So there was a little bit of panic involved that he found that he was "that guy." This much was sincere. I don't know what has changed in him since then, but he's still in touch with her (I can't tell how much).

After BD he didn't take any time at all off for US, even though the MC was his idea, the repairing the R was his idea, etc. Since a lot of his schedule was already set at that time I could see that it was difficult for him to get away and didn't object. As time has gone by, though, it's one of the things that really made me into the flaming shrew I became the last 3 months or so before he finally moved out. He has made zero time for us. Then I find out he never really stopped contacting OW at all and I think his working so much is partly an excuse to stay in touch with her. If he took time off to be with his family then he wouldn't have the means to keep in touch with her, since they mostly communicate through work channels.

What are my goals?

1. Reinstate my professional certification
2. Find a job
3. Get the separation agreement/property settlement implemented so I have some security
4. Continue GAL
5. Not gain back the marital crisis weight loss
6. Clear out the house in case I have to be ready to sell

I don't know what my goals re: H should be. I don't know how I feel about him right now. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever really cared about my happiness. He's a very withdrawn, but somewhat demanding guy (MC calls it an ADD bubble) and now that I'm experiencing a certain amount of liberty from worrying about him all the time I'm wondering what I hope for from the R. He called last night and was reasonably friendly, which confuses me. My kids clearly, urgently want him to come home and for our family to be repaired. I don't want to hurt my kids but I also WILL NOT go back to the relationship as it was. I think if I didn't love him I wouldn't have felt confused after our brief chat last night, because it was nice to hear his voice, but I will no longer compromise on only being with someone who really cares about me and appreciates my caring about him.

I welcome suggestions. I am still in IC but a lot of our conversation has been about navigating this time, less about what I want from the future. I described DR/DB to C and he's on board with it but more concerned with helping me adjust healthfully at this time.

[GoatGal]

Have I been blocked from replying on my own thread?

"Go DANCE!"

Sheesh, Maybell, you sound like my husband.

As for posting, even a "Dancing Queen" needs to rest those barking dogs on occasion and the ADD makes me lose the great thought I THOUGHT I had...

Ergo...

But. Point taken.

But what do I do if I have a crisis?

(I know, post an S.O.S. on Maybell's thread. . Ha-ha! )


OK, Y'All...

I know you did it cause you love me...

I'll be home Monday night so I should be off restriction then.

Meanwhile, I'll dance one for each and every one of you!

Signing off until I ricochet around the dark side of the moon and can restore radio contact,

---DQ/GG

PS: I clicked "notify" because I didn't know what that meant.
PPS: I can still READ, can't I?